I'm not going out with her.

OK so I am totally not gonna go out with this girl. This is why.

1) She has the crazy eyes.

Now this may come as no surprise to you guys, but here reality is, most hot girls who are single have 'the crazy eyes'. There's an old saying, (by old saying I mean 'read it on a t-shirt') that goes "Show me the hottest girl in the world, and I'll show you someone who is tired of her shit". And the sad bit is that guys like me can never see it! But I've seen it now. So next time you consider going out with this girl, look deep into her eyes. She may think you're being romantic. But look. More often than not you will see the vast blackness, a portal of neediness, possessiveness, PMS rage and moodswings.

There is apparently a scale that shows you have to be of a certain hotness to be that crazy. They are directly proportional, i.e. A girl is allowed to be pretty crazy the hotter she is. But if a girl batshit insane and not hot enough, run. No one wants to take shit from an uggles.

2) She hates the gym. But she loves the food.

Yep, this seems really shallow. But sometimes you know she's gonna get fat. Now I don't mind a woman putting on a few pounds. But I hate dealing with the awkward situations that arise after she has, like when she tries on her old clothes and finds herself not fitting into them. Sample conversation.

Girl: Omar! I can't fit into my old clothes! Why oh why! I'll never get them adjusted in time for the wedding/party/circumcision celebration.

Now one can react to this in a variety of ways.

Reaction #1: (Sweetly) Babe, it's OK, I think you look much better this way, even sexier...mmm I love your curves...let us kiss with tongue.
Analysis: Women can see lies much the same way men can spot the drunkest girl at the party. Quickly and clearly.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction#2: (Rationally) Babe you haven't put on that much weight, you've still got time, let's join the gym and lay off the carbs for a while.
Analysis: Not only have you implied that she is a lazy bitch for not going to the gym before but you've decided to control her make-bad-feeling-go-bye-bye food intake. That means the next time she is depressed, rather than reaching for the comfort of cheesecake or ice-cream she is going to call your ass up and expect you to comfort her when you are doing something important like watching TV or having a furious wank.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction #3: (Frankly) BITCH WHY YOU SO FAT!
Analysis: Now obviously one could have done a little better with this sentence. The inclusion of 'bitch', is demeaning. And technically you should have put an "are' between the 'why' and the 'you', so as to be clearer. This is basically a make or break, your honesty will show her that you are a brave person and willing to be the man to hold up a mirror to her. She nows you will always do the right thing.
Result: Passionate love making......just kidding.... death by asphyxiation you stupid choot.

3) She blatantly evaluates me for marriage.

Hey I'm all about getting married, but do you have to be freaking obvious about it? We will be having a random conversation about life and other fun things and then she will suddenly ask me, how many kids I want. And the worst is when they try to sneak this shit in the middle of a conversation so that it creeps up on you like a midget ninja.

Girl: Hahaha, I love watching the Simpsons!
Me: Wow that's awesome! I love watching the Simpsons too!
Girl: So are your parents Urdu-speaking?

Let's not forget when they spring hypothetical family situations on you. I will happily be enjoying a joke about pathans when she will pose this question to me,

"My uncle's wife is Pathan. And she's speaks with a lisp. She's kind of a midget. And she has a huge mole. Would you make fun of her too?"

Fuck.

4) She types LOL. And then she types 'HAHAH' right after.

This is pet peeve. I'm generally not a huge fan of LOL. It seems like you are too lazy to actually laugh. I feel like I have been cheated out of a reaction. I'm suspicious that she is not really laughing but in fact humoring me. But I understand this is the norm So I deal.
On the other hand a hearty "hahahahahaha" makes me elated. Especially if there is an exclamation mark or two after it. It seems genuine.
The problem arises when she types LOL and then HAHAHA in the same line. This seems shady. Like she is trying to hard. It might mean she is desperate for attention. or maybe she think LOL means something other than Laugh Out Loud. Bottom line, this is just plain redundant.

Other net abbreviation that will make me judge you include ROFL. Rolling On the Floor Laughing? You have no dignity.

LMAO: If you mention your ass. We will think about it.

LMFAO: A Lady does not speak this way.

Also any combination of ROFL, LMAO, is completely unacceptable. If you are truly tickled by what someone has said, use the vocabularly to express it. Or else I will have to come up with my own.

IOLCUH: I'm Only Laughing Cuz U Hot
ICBWI: I Could Be Wanking Instead.
TUDGTJBALA: Thinking You Didn't Get The Joke But Are Laughing Anyway
DOS: Dreaming of Suicide.

5) She's kinda like...my mom.

Freud fucked shit for us forever. Deal with it.

6) She asks me for my email password.

By far the worst thing a girl can do in order to get more couply is ask you for your email password. What the hell is this disturbing trend? When did couples feel the need to share every fucking thing? Don't be fooled if she comes up with a guilt inducing argument like "What do you have to hide?" I GOT PLENTY TO HIDE! I have emails from old girlfriends! I have dirty pictures my friends sent me! I have dirty jokes my friends sent me! I have emails of me bitching about your friends! I have sexist exchanges with my buddies!

This is an unacceptable breach of privacy. And even if she gives your her email password, don't fall for it. a) It's probably her dummy boring email account, not the real one where she still talks to her ex. b) Grow a fucking pair.

The Great LUMS Trip: Part 2

11:00 AM: The blinding sunlight of Lahore makes me wake up. It's a slow and lazy morning. I look around and laugh because I have a room all to myself, while the other guys are slutting it up in the other rooms. I guffaw victoriously and prance.

11:10 AM: After a shower and change, I go to wake up the other guys. Ali Alam is awake and missing. Rahayl is bleary eyed. I walk into the next room where OK is calmly smoking a cigarette and Yasir is passed out. This really does not look good.

11:30 AM: We hit Yasir repeatedly till he wakes up. OK tortures Yasir by implying that he may or may not have teabagged him in his sleep.

11:45 AM: Yasir does not know what teabagging is.

11:46 AM: Yasir finds out what teabagging is. We console Yasir.

12:30 PM: We find Ali chilling in the TV lounge, it's a long day ahead of us, its hot outside, and we've got nothing but time to kill before we have to go for soundcheck in the afternoon. For some reason all of us are pretty down, not really excited about the show yet. So we spend our time in the most un-rock'n'roll fashion, lazing around on the couches and watching "Jodhaa Akbar"

12:45 PM: Boredom reaches epic proportions as we flip through channels and discover this really weird channel that displays some sort of frequency graph. We think we have stumbled across some hidden spy communication thingy. Or something that responds to loud noises. now I'm not proud of this, but we made Yasir go stand near the TV screen and wave his arms to see if it woulf affect the frequency graph while we shouted loud noises.

1:00 PM: Massive debate ensues about what we need to do for lunch. Yasir leaves to visit relatives, Rahayl leaves for adventure. Returns with a drink in a soda can called "Panda", which is 0.5% Alcohol. I kid you not! Apparently this stuff is commercially available in Lahore. Just so you know, we ADP, endorse PANDA DRINK.

2:00 PM: In a fit of diva-ness, I call up manager Aamir and demand that LUMS send over a couple of roadies to help us transport our equipment to LUMS. Sure enough within a couple of minutes, two kids from LUMS show up at the rest house. We are nowhere near ready, so instead we convince the boys to chill with us and have some pizza and Coke. One of them is pretty friendly, a Lahori guy also a musician, who wants nothing more than to meet the great Omar Khalid of LUMS. He assumes it is me. Sigh. The other one, a Karachiite, doesn't say much and refuses our offers of food and drink. I'm pretty sure he thinks we're going to drug him and rape him.

3:00 PM: Despite our attempts to stall, the LUMS boys load our stuff into their cars and we head out to the LUMS campus, hoping we'll be able to soundcheck soon.

3:15 PM: We get to the campus and discover that while the stage has been set up, nothing else is ready. Just as we feared, we were going to be in for a long long wait...

3:30 PM: The worst part about these things is sitting around waiting for other people to hurry up. From what we can see, the setup is definitely going to take longer than expected. There is no place for us to chill and relax at LUMS except the students rec room, which is where we all head. OK has brought his laptop and is on the net. Rahayl engages Aamir in an animated discussion about something. Yasir is stressing because some local musicians want him to play with them at the show tonight and he doesn't know if he should do it. Ali and I go searching for ice cream.

4:00 PM: Did you know LUMS has it's own Hot Spot? The ice cream is a welcome relief from the heat and boredom. Ali, Rahayl, Aamir and me discuss our game-plan for tonight. We are told that there are going to be almost 17 LUMS musicians performing as opening acts before we take the stage. Now the band Laal was also supposed to be performing and were heavily promoted in the events posters, but hilariously enough, the members of Laal are all in London and have no idea that they were doing this gig. These two bits of information should have been warning signs. Anyway, we figure we're going at a good time because we'll have a full crowd and it wont be too late. We're going to be followed by EP and then Noori are going to close the show, I'm really excited to be meeting both.

5:00 PM: Ali Alam walks back to the rec room, where he sees OK working on his laptop. Next to OK he sees a couple passionately making out. OK smiles looks back and makes a thumbs up gesture. How awesome is this place?

6:00 PM: We are bored shitless waiting for soundcheck to happen. But I have to say, the stage and sound setup looks incredible. But the heat, combined with the boredom is sapping our energy and making us all slightly cranky. It's interesting to see how everyone in the band is reacting differently, it's such a reflection of the personalities. OK and Ali are the cool cucumbers of the bunch, although OK has been betraying signs of nervousness on this trip, probably because he's performing at his alma mater and he has to deliver on his reputation.

7:00PM: The concert was scheduled to start at 7pm, but we now only start our soundcheck. We're the first band on, and feeling especially drained, we start the process. However, getting up on that massive stage is a huge rush for me, especially when they test the lights. It really does feel like we're playing at Woodstock, with this massive stage in the middle of an open field. The soundcheck starts badly, with Rahayl and Yasir both not being happy with their sounds. It's always hard to remain calm and patient during these times, because the rest of the band wants to move forwad quickly and so when one person is being picky about their sound, it gets a little annoying, but it's really important for these guys to be satisfied, so we keep going. Some LUMS kid is talking us through the soundcheck but he's beginning to get annoying because he clearly has no idea who is playing what, nor does he know our names.

7:24PM: Right in the middle of our soundcheck, Noori show up at the stage ready to check. Ali Noor and Ali Hamza walk up to the stage and greet us warmly, (I am of course secretly thrilled but jelly-legged to be soundchecking in front of Noori). This is the first time they are hearing us and they keep telling us about how our reputation precedes us and they are really looking forward to tonights show.

7:30PM: We start our soundcheck with "Kiss". As I hit the opening chords, I feel extremely faint, the heat and the excitement and the lights are making me completely weak, but the other guys are feeling pretty good. I growl out the opening lines and after a shaky start settle into a nice funky rhythm, very aware that the Noori brothers are up on the right of the stage listening to us, and I'm terrified of messing up. Thankfully we perform really well, and the sound sounds amazing. The few people that are in the area stop and applaud as we finish, giving the sound guy a thumbs up.

7:35PM: Ali Noor chats with Ali Alam and tells him he thought we sounded great. I'm still extremely shy to go talk to him myself, so I quietly squat by my guitar case and pack up my things till I feel a loud thud on my back. Ali Noor comes up behind me and tells me how well I sang and that he honestly wasnt expecting us to be this good. I smile, slightly embarassed but I'm completely psyched inside to be getting a compliment from one of my idols. Noor then laughs and comments on how I'm a vain bastard who knows he's good ("Issey to pata hae bhai! He knows he's a good singer..bastard!")

7:45PM:Farhad Humayun from Overload and Shehzad Hameed join us on stage along with Salman Albert from EP who is drumming for Noori. Ali Noor is showing off this really complicated new monitoring system he is trying out for this show which basically uses his laptop and his own digital processing along with loops. It's way over my head. The atmosphere is really cool, a whole bunch of great musicians on stage chatting informally. Farhad and Shehzad are slated to perform one song as a last minute addition, but their bass player has bailed on them They shadily pull Rahayl into a corner and ask him to join them for their performance, which has Rahayl over the moon.

8:30PM: I chill out on the lawn with Ali Alam and we sit through Noori's soundcheck. Ali Hamza gets shocked from his microphone within the first song and hilariously yells out in that patented Lahori accent "Microphone change karo oye! Krunt lag raha hae".

9:00PM: It's getting really late and at the back of my mind, I'm tensing up about how late everything is moving. Noori have just finished their soundcheck. The guys from EP aren't here, and there are still 17 amateur acts that have to perform before us.

9:15PM: I go to my friend Asad's house to shower and change and relax a bit with some of my friends in Lahore, looking completely like the Asshole Lead Singer that I am. For some reason, the guys in the band think that every time I go off on my own, I leave them to be partyin with skanky ho's and groupies. This is only partially true.

10:30PM: I had told Aamir to call me just before we go on. When I call him, he tells me that there is still almost an hours worth of amateurs who are going to perform. Shit.

10:45PM: I come back to LUMS. Hilariously I am stopped at the gate. I try to convince the guards that I'm one of the musicians performing tonight but he's having none of it. So I have to call Aamir to come bail me out. I sheepishly stand on the sidewalk while random guys drive by me, one of whom spots me and yells "ADP?!! Wooooohooooo". Not cool.

11:00PM: Wow, within a couple of hours, the entire field has been transformed into this sea of people. I'm overwhelmed byt how massive this crowd is, and how fantastic the stage looks. I get their just in time to see Rahayl take the stage along with Shehzad Hameed and Farhad Humayun and watch them perform a balls-out incredible version of Led Zeppelin's "Rock'n"Roll" that brings the crowd to their feet. What a rush.

11:30PM: The guys from EP show up backstage and we meet them. Ahmed Ali Butt is really friendly and freely chatting with everyone. Ali Noor is backstage too animatedly talking to someone or the other. Fawad from EP is surrounded by a gaggle of girls asking for his autograph. Omar Khalid is chugging away at cans of Red Bull. I start to get really tense. We're pretty suspicious that the organizers are going to make us cut our setlist down. I hurriedly scramble to find a pen and paper and we write out two setlists, one complete, one shortened.

11:45PM: Sure enough, as the last LUMS acts winds down, the organizers approach me and tell me "Omar Bhai, can we talk to you about the time". I'm not in the mental state to discuss this because I'm already tense and I'm afraid I'll lose my cool. I tell them to talk to Aamir. Aamir walks off with them, followed by Ali Alam and Yasir. I can see a heated discussion taking place and I expect the worst. They come back to me and tell me to the organizers want us to shorten the playlist in the interest of time. I ask them how long, they ay "Half-an-hour". Half an hour? That's more than I expected. I tell them we'll do it. Crisis averted.

Midnight: After what seems like an eternity, we finally take the stage. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. The band members are no longer excited, they look exhausted and haggard, the tension showing on their faces. There is just a general uneasy vibe. I can't get over how tired we are, maybe it's the heat, or the lights or the crippling nerves before going up in this massive crowd that stretches back as far as the eye can see. The trek up the stairs to the stage is slow and heavy. Our name gets announced and theres a loud cheer from the audience.

I very slowly, very deliberately walk towards my guitar case and kneel down beside my amp to make sure all my settings or in order. I go through my little pre-show ritual of running my fingers over the strings, allowing the warm hum of the amp to swell. I place my pick, my slide, cap and harmonica on top of the amp. Aamir comes on stage and hands me a water bottle I can barely swallow from. I take out the crumpled setlist and place it under my mic stand.

One section of the audience is playfully taunting us with chants of "Aunty Aunty". I play along, smiling and pumping my fists in unison with the chants. I still can't get over how many people there are.

I make my way over to the drum riser. During the soundcheck I had practiced jumping off it, but now it looks pretty dangerous to jump off. I climb up and talk to OK as he runs over the tom-toms and does little runs on the snare. He's ready. I get back down and make eye contact with Rahayl and Yasir and ask them if they're good to go. The nod silently. Ali is at my right, he's the last guy I look at before I start. Everyone's ready to go. But my voice is failing me. I walk up to the mic and I croak "Ladies and Gentlemen, we're the Aunty Disco Project".

The crowd erupts as I start the opening riff from "Baba O'Riley" (by The Who). OK starts the count in with the sticks. The crowd start clapping along building up the momentum. I feel like this huge bundle of energy waiting to burst as the guitar notes ring out across the field 1..2..3..4...Clap..Clap...Clap...Clap...

Fuck it...I'm going to jump off the drum riser.

1..

2...

3...

4...

and

BRAAAAAAANNNNGGGGGGG

I close my eyes and take a massive leap off the riser and land staggering back onto the stage. The band is a little shell-shocked by my jump, (I'm later told that they were convinced I was going to break something) but they recover just in time to come in with the crashing opening chords. OK's drum intro thunders through and we tear into the song.

I scream out the opening line and I can hear my voice resonate loudly and clearly. The sound mix is a little confused and all over the place. I can tell that the guys are having a hard time hearing each other, but we power through it.

The crowd is incredible, singing along with every word and jumping in time with the beat.

As the break in the song comes, everybody in the field joins me and sings "Don't Cry, Don't Raise Your Eyes, It's Only....TEEENAGE WASTELAND". The hair on my neck stands on the end.
We end the song in a manic storm of guitars and drums and build up to a crescendo and crash.

The audience is wildly cheering. I look over at the guys and smile. We won over the crowd. all the jeering stopped from the minute we hit that first chord.

Seconds later, we launch into the soaring opening notes of "Sultanat". As we start, I see Aamir standing in the middle near the soundbooth giving us the thumbs up. The volcanic buildup launches us into a ferocious version of Sultanat. Once again I'm surprised by how many people know about the song and are singing along.

The kids in the front row are headbanging and jumping and screaming, it's truly magical. Watching guys and girls just having a good time, letting themselves go and enjoying themselves to something we created is just mind-blowing.

We get through an intense, almost flawless version of "Sultanat" and I can see the crowd are ready to rock out even more.

The intensity of the last two songs has taken it's toll on the band, and I can see them visibly fatiguing, especially OK and Yasir. Which is why our start to "Rock The Casbah" is a little sluggish and confused, with a couple of us missing our cues. But the crowd doesn't notcie and goes wil for the darbuka. They're dancing and singing and pumping their fists in the air.

This is easily our best show ever.


Well.... it would have been.


As soon as we end "Casbah", Aamir comes on stage and walks up to me, takes me aside and says "It's over". I'm confused,
"What do you mean?"
"They shut it down, the concert, the faculty shut it down"

I'm still dazed and not completely taking in the information. I sit down on the riser wiping the sweat from my face. The president of The LUMS music society take the stage and announces on the mic that the concert is over, because it has run overtime and the faculty is threatening to cut the power. He's greeted by booing and jeering, most people shake their heads in disbelief. As the situation becomes clearer to me, I'm surprised by how resigned I am to this.
Ali Alam comes up to me and tells me "We should probably tell the crowd to calm down, they look like they're going to riot"....sure enough, people are shouting abuse and getting worked up. Shaking myself out of the daze, Ali and I walk up to the mic's and plead with everyone to exit quietly and thank the Music Society for having is in Lahore. People disbelievingly start to exit. There's is a gaping black hole of disappointment all over the field.

The guys and I get off the stage. The Noori and EP guys congratulate us and shake our hands and tell us what an exciting performance it was. At the same time, I can see that they are absolutely, understandably livid and how the night has turned out. Ali Noor jokes about how ADP is jinxing his band (we were slated to perform with Noori in a Karachi show that got cancelled). Ahmed Ali Butt from EP comes by and tells me he really regrets that he didnt getto hear us do "Nazar" because it's one of his favorites. I'm really touched by how gracious these guys are, and let it be said that they were complete gentlmen and they didn't lose their cool at any of the LUMS organizers, no matter what any newspaper reports might say.

12:40AM: Things start to lighten up as a bunch of fans come backstage and chat with us and get their pictures taken with us. We hang around for awhile and then start the unglamours packing up process. Thankfully some LUMS students are only to happy to help us carry our equipment.

1 AM: OK and me get a headstart and start transporting our stuff back to the cars. As we walk down the footpaths of LUMS, guitar in hand. Something special happens. All the LUMS students along the road break out into spontaneous cheering and applause as we make our way amongst them. I'm humbled, and deeply touched and emotional at this outpouring of love. All along the way people shake our hands and slap us on our backs...

And thats where I end it, because thats how I want to remember it.




Here are some links to articles that appeared about the event in The News to help you guys get a better, more fact based idea of things

Article in INSTEP by Hani Taha Salim

Article in SHEHR section of The News on Sunday by Aziz Omar

Kanye West: Chootia

I have always maintained that Kanye West sucks ass all day. I hate his music. I hate his rapping. I hate the fact that he's a fashion icon and now the final straw, Kanye West has written a BOOK.

That's right Kanye West who is a self proclaimed hater of books and all other things containing knowledge and low to mild reading (including Twitter) has written a book full of shit that Kanye says. Aaah, irony thou art a sneaky bedfellow.

Please read this quote. I know I can't without wanting to punch myself in the nuts.
"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph"

That's right! I agree Kanye! Like that motherfucker Dostoyevsky! Why he be so sad n shit? And don't even get me started on them ho's Emily and Charlotte Bronte...bitches be runnin' wild.

I also love how he would never want a books' autograph. Imagine all the rest of us stupid fuckers crowding around the 19th edition of "Great Expectations" with pens while Kanye's all like standin in the corner and shit with his posse bein all like "fuck that shit man! I ain't gonna be askin for that". I'm sure he'd get an autograph from a DVD though. I hear the Godfather 2 DVD doesn't like public appearances. But I'm sure it'll make an exception for fuckin' Kanye.

The article goes on to explain how the book is a collection of"Kanye-isms". It is knowledge straight from Kanye to you. His collection of thoughts and theories.
"His book is 52 pages -- some blank, others with just a few words -- and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads "I hate the word hate!"

Whoa....hang on a second...he wrote a 52 page book....some pages BLANK? Does anybody else reading this feel like shooting themselves in the dick? Who the fuck writes a book with blank fuckin pages? Forget that, who the fuck buys a book with blank pages? Is Kanye trying to cleverly make a statement about how sometimes his brain is filled with no fuckin thoughts whatsoever. Aah thats probably it. He's smarter than I thought. As can be inferred by this gem

"I hate the word hate!!"

Fuck! Kanye has me confused! First he say he hate the word hate! Then why he be using the word hate! Now I used the word hate! Does that make me a bad person in the eyes of lord and sovereign Kanye? Kanye you sneaky word playing bastard.
"My favorite one is 'Get used to being used,'" he said.

Aah, this one is clearly for all the fellas chillin in jail out there. Kanye provides them with solace by telling them to quit whining and get used to all the ass rape.

This leads up to the most bizarre moment in the article.

So does he fancy himself a modern-day Confucius? "I'm trying to end the confusion," he said, laughing and adding, "I'm gonna put that on the next album."

Is it just me or did Kanye West actually think the word "Confucius" meant "Confused Person"? Because it seems to me that would make his answer slightly less fucktarded. But it's ok since we all know that if Kanye is unclear about something, he will just put it on his next album.

Me: "Hey Kanye! What's the capital of Sweden?
Kanye: "Sheeeeet, I dunno! But I'ma put it on my next album".

"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life," he said.

DOH! That's what I've been doing wrong! All this time I was living my fake life as King of Bonerland talking to my imaginary friends Bashir The Obsessive Compulsive Bunny Rabbit and Maqsood the Transsexual Midget. No wonder I had no information about anything or anyone. But we had some good times though.

West dedicates the book to his late mother. "My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness," he said, defining "flyness" as confidence.

Poor Kanye, can't help rhyming! all that pesky wordplay talent seeping through. And I'm glad he defined "flyness" for all us who don't speak Kanye. For a minute there I actually thought Kanye was in fact, motherfuckin Superman.

Sigh. Kanye West = Chootia.

P.S: i know I was supposed to put Part 2 of the Great LUMS Trip, but this got me really riled up, stay tuned, for Part 2, should be up tommorow.

The Great LUMS Trip: Day 1

The fact that I had so much to blog about usually puts me in denial of how much I have to blog about. The result is I don't blog. But here I have forced myself to go back to writing and give you the account of our concert at LUMS. Last weekend ADP were booked to play at LUMS University's 10 Year Re-Union of their Music Society. Now we got the gig mostly because Omar Khalid is a favorite son of LUMS and he seems to have this legendary reputation there as an extraordinary musician. The kind of awe that OK inspires in LUMS freshies is pretty surprising to me. No doubt OK is an extraordinary musician. But as we all know, he is mostly a choot. Anyway, I was pretty sour-grapes because for once I wasn't hogging all the attention, and for some reason everyone in LUMS seemed to assume that OK was the lead singer of ADP.

I also want to introduce a new character to the cast of ADP. Everyone please welcome Mr. Aamir Rauf, our newly appointed manager. Aamir is a cool, sweet guy. He as a degree in music management from Berklee School of Music. So basically you can all suck his balls.

So here is the chronological, impossibly long self indulgent version of The Great LUMS Trip.

Saturday Morning

6:45 AM: Yasir and I are waiting outside OK's house because he isn't ready. Our flight leaves at 8pm.We have 15 mins to get to the airport. When I called OK in the morning to see if he was up, he faked his consciousness by saying “Haan haan, I'm ready”. I believed him. Until he said “Hey OBA, what time is it?”. This tipped me off to the fact that not only was OK not ready, but he probably hadn't packed either. Anyway, OK finally comes out of the house. As predicted, he admits that the only things he packed last night were...the drumsticks.

7:00 PM: We reach the airport after driving like madmen and hurriedly check in. We discover that some of the VJ's from Aag are also going to Lahore and are on our flight, this includes the impossibly cute VJ Mahirah and the guys from 3-to-5, Yasir J and Raheel. Yasir and I reminisce over the mind numbingly stupid show we did with them last year. Aamir and Rahayl are already there, and as predicted Rahayl is not too pleased that we left him waiting there so long. He has a unique swear word for all of us.

7:30 PM: Security lets most of go through without a problem, some of them assume we're some big time band and are mildly starstruck. This however does not prevent them from stopping big bearded, long haired Rahayl at every chance. I worry about Rahayl's temper. He is one glare away from getting a body cavity search.

8:15PM: We board the plane. Yasir is terrified of flying. When Ali, OK and Rahayl find out about this, they make it their life's mission to make his life miserable.

8:30PM: Ali, OK and Rahayl are loudly inventing different scenarios where the plane crashes and we all die. Yasir is pale in the face and praying to the Almighty. This really is quite evil. But hilarious.

9:30PM: We all land in Lahore and Yasir vows never to fly with us again. At least until Monday.

10:30AM: Lahore is ridiculously hot. And the taxi drivers are ridiculously stupid. The cab that takes us from the airport to the rest house is pretty much a metal box. The entire front dashboard is held together with rope and duct tape. Rahayl has only been to Lahore once so he sits behind me and does the whole Japanese tourist thing.

Rahayl: Ooh whats that?

Me: It a tree.

Rahayl: And oooh what about that.

Me: Another fucking tree.

Rahayl: And what about that??

Me: For the last time Rahayl its a tre...oh...oh yes, you're right..that donkey is rather well endowed.

10:45AM: We reach the rest house. We have three rooms and there are five of us. There is a minor argument about who gets the single room. Using my awesome Jedi Mind Tricks I manage to get the awesome single room, becoming Asshole Lead Singer in the process. Yasir and OK shack up, while the beardy twins Ali and Rahayl take the other room. There is a discussion about whether OK is going to do something horrible to Yasir. At night. In his ass.

12:00PM: We take Rahayl on a tour of Lahore, where we stupidly decide we are going to visit Jehangir Ka Maqbarah (The Tomb of Emperor Jahangir). It is the hottest point of the day and only us stupid Karachiites are out. We see the Canal of Lahore running through the city. Rahayl asks the driver what people do in it. The driver answers “swimming”. But we all know this is code for “masturbate furiously”.

3:00PM: We are supposed to go to LUMS tonight to take part in a Music Conference. OK is supposed to be part of this panel of musicians who will talk about the music industry in Pakistan today while we field questions from the students. OK is not too comfortable in the public speaking role. Yasir takes him aside and gives him pointers, which are more or less along the lines of “Bhai, please don't be a chootiya”. OK writes this down in his notes. “Avoid Chootiya-pah”.

7:00PM: We arrive at LUMS.

7:01PM: Holy shit LUMS girls are hot.

7:25PM: We are taken to the conference room, where we meet Farhad Humayun from Overload and Shahzad Hameed, who is an incredible and highly respected rock'n'roller from the Lahore underground scene. It's a great atmosphere and we're all hanging out in a room, being served refreshments. All of a sudden this dude who looks strikingly like Atif Aslam walks into the room.

7:26PM: We realize Atif Aslam has walked into the room.

7:27PM: Now I know that Atif Aslam is the butt of many peoples jokes and its kinda uncool to like him now. But I'll say this, when he walked into the room, I'm pretty sure all of us were just a teensy bit starstruck. I mean let's face it, the guy is pretty much the biggest non-political, non-sports celebrity in the country. So there is an awkward silence in the room as Atif quietly says hi to everyone. He's accompanied by a bald dude in a tight yellow t-shirt. Kinda like a gay nazi skinhead. Its always weird meeting a big celebrity. You obviously don't want to fawn all over him. But you do want to show some sign of acknowledgement. So you have to strike the perfect level of admiration and coolness. Which is why I said "Hey Atif! I loved Aadat!" and then swiftly punched him in the nuts.

7:28PM: I introduce myself and the rest of the guys to Atif as the Aunty Disco Project. Atif admits he's heard of us but he hasn't heard any of our music. This breaks the ice, and Farhad starts talking about the lack of gigs and some heavy metal band from Karachi who he's recording. I jokingly suggest to Atif that he needs to switch paths and record a death metal album. I am shot a glare by the gay Nazi dude. But Atif is gracious, really polite and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised. He sweats a lot though.

8:00PM: We shoot the shit with the other musicians, and we are told that we're only waiting for Zeb and Haniya to come so that the discussion can begin. I'm looking forward to seeing them again. OK remarks about how far those two have come along, although we started out at the same time. I think we've come along too. I mean here we are at LUMS hanging out with Atif right?

8:30PM: The conference starts, OK looks like a deer in the headlights when the first question gets thrown at him about the state of the music industry in Pakistan. OK is usually pretty eloquent, but since he is not able to use any swear words, he struggles a bit into a rambling answer that has all of us confused as hell. The conference itself was enjoyable in some bits but on the whole it was kind of pessimistic as none of the musicians, maybe with the exception of Zeb and Haniya were as optimistic as we were about the industry. But just being there was a start. There were talks about forming a musicians union, Atif brought up the idea of banning Indian songs from Pakistani airwaves so that our artists would have a chance to grow. Not everyone agreed, but it was an amiable discussion. And OK finally found his groove once he got over the nerves and started answering the questions intelligently.

10:00PM: After the conference, we are asked to come to the LUMS Music Society Jam room where they ask us to perform for them. The jam room is tiny and insanely hot and we're all dying in the heat. But we give it a shot. It was incredible. First Shahzad, Farhad and Rahayl jam out a rocking version of Led Zep's rock'n'roll and then we join in and do “Kiss”. Atif respectfully declines and only manages to play around on the cymbals while I do a version of “Fever” that Ali Alam finds objectionable. Apparently when I sing without a guitar, my hip movements are quite indecent.

11:00PM: It's an incredible night and I feel blessed to be in the company of such wonderful musicians. There's a buzz around campus and everyone is excited about the concert tomorrow. We say our goodbyes and head out to Food Street for dinner.

12:00AM: We now only have one car to take the 7 of us including the driver. We decide to rough it. So like a bunch of circus clowns we pile into a tiny little car and bathe in each others man sweat. Rock N Roll.

12:15AM: I lose all sensation in my right leg. And all reproductive ability.

12:16AM: We reach Food Street and I forget that my right leg has no sensation and I collapse in the middle of the street like Amy Winehouse on New Years Eve. My asshole band members are amused and do not make any effort to help me get up.

1:00AM: Dear lord the food in Lahore is good.

2:00AM: We reach back home and everyone turns in for the night. Tommorow. It's ROCK N ROLL TIME.

Stay tuned for Day 2.......

Official Announcement: Ali Alam has officially joined ADP and officially so has Rahayl Sidikey. Officially.

Yep, the rumors are true (by rumors, we mean Yasir and me talking and giggling amongst ourselves). Ali Alam has decided to ruin his life by officially joining the Aunty Disco Project as a full time member. This comes as a great relief to me because now we have access to the incredible songs Ali writes without having to plagiarize them and we also have the secret to his lustrous hair/beard combination.

Here were some of Ali's stipulations for joining the band.

1) Fire Yasir (we did it immediately)
2) Just kidding, don't fire Yasir. (oh dear.... this is going to be awkward.)
3) End feud with Ali Zafar (unacceptable)
4) Snacks must be mandatory during jam (accepted)
5) No sexual innuendo during jam (not accepted).
6) Hire a permanent, proper bass player so he can go back to playing guitar

Which leads me to my next bit of news....

Rahayl Sidikey from Mizraab is our new bass player!


Rahayl and I have been playing together for awhile, he's a fantastic bass player and he can play almost any style. He's been playing with Mizraab for over 3 years now and he's also recorded with solo artist Faraz Haider. I first played with him when we were part of Tee-Em's back up band for a Beatles tribute show. Then we played together for my side project "The Big Cheese" and hit it off muscially.

To be honest, we've always been on the lookout for a permanent bass player. Back in the days when Imran was in the band, him and I used to switch instruments midway through the set and then he would sing and play guitar with me on the bass. While this kind of became our trademark, the guys in the band hated it because it broke the flow of the concert and it was awkward and unwieldly. Plus Imran and I were both primarily guitarists so we were make shift bass players rather than proper ones.

I think that kind of bass playing defined our earlier sound. Since Imran and I both thought like guitarists, the bass playing on our earlier songs was more note oriented and punk-ish rather than finding a groove or laying a foundation with the drums. As a result, we always felt that ADP didn't sound as full or as powerful as it should have.

When Ali took over on bass duties, it was the same case, because he's also primarily a guitarist who we had slotted into a bass playing role. This also meant that we were missing out on his services as a guitar player and Ali really is quite an innovative guitarist in his own right.

Enter Rahayl. Originally Rahayl was going to play a one off show with us at Shanaakht where we were scheduled to perform an acoustic set. His playing really filled out our sound, and he was gelling well with the other guys, so after the whole debacle, we all talked about it and offered him a slot. He abused us all and told us that he was only into playing Michael Bolton covers. We were confused since he was the bass player for Pakistan's premier metal band. After cornering him with our superior logic and promising him 72 virgins (thats usually our male fan demographic), we got him to join ADP.

So there you have it everybody, please welcome Ali and Rahayl to the ADP family, I promise you, we're going to be bigger and badder and nuder than ever before.....

An Incredible, Heartwarming Moment...

The last couple of days have been extremely depressing and frustrating. Until today, when I saw this video.

Unfortunately embedding has been disabled. But it's clip from the show Britains Got Talent, which includes Simon Cowell as one of the judges.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY


A 47 year old Scotswoman, who's never been kissed sang for me, and by the end of it, I had tears streaming down my face.

You have to watch this video, it will make your day, and warm the hearts of the most cynical of you :)

The Freedom of Speech and the Price we Pay for it.

Shanaakht is over

Here's a video of the PPP workers vandalising the Arts Council.




As many of you know by now, The Shanaakht Festival and all the events related to it have been cancelled. The government could not provide assurances of safety and the organizers could not risk the safety of the festival volunteers and attendees.

This has been an extremely painful and frustrating time, especially for those who had been involved in organizing the festival. I attended the press conference where they announced the cancellation amidst a barrage of hostile questioning from the media present. It was heartbreaking to see something that was truly one of the best things to happen in Karachi, something we could hold our heads and be proud of, come to an end.

It has been an even more soul-crippling experience to read some of the comments on the internet and even on this blog by people who have been blaming the organizers for the entire episode. I know the people who were organizing Shanaakht. They are some of the most passionate, and patriotic citizens of this country I have ever had the honor of working with. It is important to me that their integrity should be defended loudly and unequivocally. These people put their lives into organizing this festival, by Pakistanis, for Pakistanis. It was completely open to the public, a chance many people are not willing to take here. These people were genuinely working towards bringing Pakistanis and Karachiities together, to give us something to be proud of, to celebrate our heritage. But these are the people who today we are lambasting from our safe little shells on the internet.

Not only do I support them because I believe in the ABSOLUTE freedom of speech, I support them because I feel it is our duty to support people who set out to do good for this country. However many mistakes they make on the way, we all know that the greater good was always the point of the Shanaakht Festival.

But more importantly it is our moral duty to speak out against those who commit acts of violence and injustice. If we do not, we are just as guilty of perpetrating it. It is not the criticism of the actual photograph that bothers me. People are entitled to their opinion on a piece of work and I wholly encourage healthy debate over it. What has appalled me is the lack of condemnation for the acts of the Pakistan Peoples Party. It's as if people are implying that the protestors could not be blamed for their acts of violence, destruction and intimidation because their feelings had been hurt and their great love for Benazir Bhutto drove them into a self-righteous frenzy of destruction.
Are we so resigned to the fact that we are always going to be a nation of barbarians?
No, I don't think we are a nation of barbarians. Which is why it is so crucial for us to draw a distinction between ourselves and the perpetrators of those violent acts. You cannot support them. You must not.

It has horrified me that somewhere among the educated people of this country, from people who should clearly know right from wrong that there hasn't been a stampede to CONDEMN the violence that we were witness to that day. This should not be something we are debating over. Nor should this be something people should be looking to justify. It is dangerous to even play Devil's Advocate here because it is our moral fabric that is under question. What kind of people are we that would condone a violent attack over somebody's expression?

There are some of you who seem to have gotten the wrong facts over the incident. Here is a huge misconception which must be cleared up.

Nobody had asked the organizers to take down the photograph before the incident. No one had raised any objection. The exhibit had been up since the morning and no one had raised any objections. When the hooligans from the PPP entered the exhibit they immediately removed the photograph themselves and took it with them. They did not make any requests or ask for it to be removed, they simply attacked the exhibition. The notion that the organizers refused to take down the picture when asked to before is absolutely false. This simply did not happen.

It is important to note that had the organizers in fact decided to refuse to take down the photograph, they would have been well within their rights to. They were not doing anything illegal. Whether it was ethical or not is open to debate. but that's exactly what there should have been. A debate. Not a physical attack. This is extremely important for everyone to realize. There is no law in Pakistan that would consider the display of that picture illegal or obscene. We may be a lot of things but we are not China and we are not the United Arab Emirates. Political commentary is still protected speech.

A long time ago, before I decided to throw away my life and become a musician, I was a journalism student, and the issue of free speech has always been a crucial one. I studied journalism in the US. When it comes to the laws on free speech, I admit I am better versed in US law than Pakistani law. But I do know that displaying a picture like the one at Shanaakht, while it may be offensive, is not illegal. It does not fall under the same category as blasphemy. However you would think from the reactions of the PPP and people over the internet that some religious figure had been mocked or insulted. That is not what has happened.

The point I am trying to make here is that freedom of speech is not a clean cut golden shining value that is going to make all of us happy. It is dirty, and messy but it is the most important value we have. It is worth dying for. Freedom of speech doesn't just mean allowing the people who agree with you to speak. Freedom of speech was made for the people who disagree with you.

"Goebbels was in favor of free speech for views he liked. So was Stalin. If you're in favor of free speech, then you're in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise. Otherwise, you're not in favor of free speech"
Noam Chomsky, Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media (1992).

We can't simply cherry pick the freedoms of speech we like and disregard the others. We must learn to accept that when we fight for the right to say what we think, we must be prepared to hear things and see things we may not want to.
It scares me that freedom of speech is such a lowly regarded value here in Pakistan. It's worrying because its not just uneducated people or fanatics who disregard it, it is educated people who are politically and morally conscious. The freedom of expression is the God-given right of every man, woman and child on this planet.
We are Pakistanis who may not have a lot to celebrate but we can celebrate the fact that we can criticize our government and we will not back down when they censor us and we will protest when they block out our news or violate our Constitution. Is this the same country that only a few weeks ago loudly exercised their right to free speech by marching on the government and loudly denouncing it's leaders? Once again, we should be on our hands and knees savoring every moment of the few freedoms we have. Because somewhere in North Korea, there are terrified people who fear for their lives for so much as suggesting regime change. Somewhere in the United Arab Emirates there are activists being whisked away by secret police for daring to criticizie the Draconian laws of the state.

And here we are expressing our opinion on the Internet, freely, without fear of being violently reprisal. And if you cherish this freedom and are willing to fight for it, you must denounce those who try to take it from you. It doesn't matter that you find the photograph at Shanaakht offensive. It doesn't matter if you thought it was art or not. What matters is that it was somebody's expression and no matter what it was, whether you agree with it or not, it is your duty as a Pakistani to stand up and defend their right to say it.

We have a real opportunity for debate and discussion here and while the events of last week are tragic, it will give us an opportunity to talk about it, in a hopefully civilized way. You have my point of view. Now lets hear yours.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
Evelyn Beatrice Hall, writing as S. G. Tallentyre in 1906 (commonly attributed to Voltaire, of whom Hall wrote a biography).