Thursday, May 28, 2009

Kanye West: Chootia

I have always maintained that Kanye West sucks ass all day. I hate his music. I hate his rapping. I hate the fact that he's a fashion icon and now the final straw, Kanye West has written a BOOK.

That's right Kanye West who is a self proclaimed hater of books and all other things containing knowledge and low to mild reading (including Twitter) has written a book full of shit that Kanye says. Aaah, irony thou art a sneaky bedfellow.

Please read this quote. I know I can't without wanting to punch myself in the nuts.
"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph"

That's right! I agree Kanye! Like that motherfucker Dostoyevsky! Why he be so sad n shit? And don't even get me started on them ho's Emily and Charlotte Bronte...bitches be runnin' wild.

I also love how he would never want a books' autograph. Imagine all the rest of us stupid fuckers crowding around the 19th edition of "Great Expectations" with pens while Kanye's all like standin in the corner and shit with his posse bein all like "fuck that shit man! I ain't gonna be askin for that". I'm sure he'd get an autograph from a DVD though. I hear the Godfather 2 DVD doesn't like public appearances. But I'm sure it'll make an exception for fuckin' Kanye.

The article goes on to explain how the book is a collection of"Kanye-isms". It is knowledge straight from Kanye to you. His collection of thoughts and theories.
"His book is 52 pages -- some blank, others with just a few words -- and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads "I hate the word hate!"

Whoa....hang on a second...he wrote a 52 page book....some pages BLANK? Does anybody else reading this feel like shooting themselves in the dick? Who the fuck writes a book with blank fuckin pages? Forget that, who the fuck buys a book with blank pages? Is Kanye trying to cleverly make a statement about how sometimes his brain is filled with no fuckin thoughts whatsoever. Aah thats probably it. He's smarter than I thought. As can be inferred by this gem

"I hate the word hate!!"

Fuck! Kanye has me confused! First he say he hate the word hate! Then why he be using the word hate! Now I used the word hate! Does that make me a bad person in the eyes of lord and sovereign Kanye? Kanye you sneaky word playing bastard.
"My favorite one is 'Get used to being used,'" he said.

Aah, this one is clearly for all the fellas chillin in jail out there. Kanye provides them with solace by telling them to quit whining and get used to all the ass rape.

This leads up to the most bizarre moment in the article.

So does he fancy himself a modern-day Confucius? "I'm trying to end the confusion," he said, laughing and adding, "I'm gonna put that on the next album."

Is it just me or did Kanye West actually think the word "Confucius" meant "Confused Person"? Because it seems to me that would make his answer slightly less fucktarded. But it's ok since we all know that if Kanye is unclear about something, he will just put it on his next album.

Me: "Hey Kanye! What's the capital of Sweden?
Kanye: "Sheeeeet, I dunno! But I'ma put it on my next album".

"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life," he said.

DOH! That's what I've been doing wrong! All this time I was living my fake life as King of Bonerland talking to my imaginary friends Bashir The Obsessive Compulsive Bunny Rabbit and Maqsood the Transsexual Midget. No wonder I had no information about anything or anyone. But we had some good times though.

West dedicates the book to his late mother. "My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness," he said, defining "flyness" as confidence.

Poor Kanye, can't help rhyming! all that pesky wordplay talent seeping through. And I'm glad he defined "flyness" for all us who don't speak Kanye. For a minute there I actually thought Kanye was in fact, motherfuckin Superman.

Sigh. Kanye West = Chootia.

P.S: i know I was supposed to put Part 2 of the Great LUMS Trip, but this got me really riled up, stay tuned, for Part 2, should be up tommorow.


Anonymous batty said...



2:05 PM  
Anonymous goll said...

lets all bludgeon Kanye to death with his book! whee! and make it rhyme too!

2:39 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Goddamn, this guy is an idiot.
What he needs is a good fucking agent who keeps his batshit insane ideas locked up.

Though, gotta disagree with you on one thing, he makes great music. He makes shit music sometimes, but great music too. Listen to heartbreak and 808. At first, its just a collection of songs with synthesized voice and will appear shit.
But listen to the whole album sequentially and you get an image of a broken man. Its pretty good actually.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous laila said...

Ha. You amuse me. ^^
"West, a college dropout, said being a non-reader was helpful when he wrote his book because it gave him a childlike purity." I suppose, that it would be accurate to speculate that this 'childlike purity' is what enables him to believe that books are, in fact, fully animate objects, the autographs of which are easy to procure as well as decline.
I love how he needs help to write a 52 page novel, with blank pages in between.
And I used to think that Twilight was the worst book I'd ever heard of, I guess we really do learn something new everyday. ^^

5:01 PM  
Blogger Nabil said...

Watch the southpark episode about him!

5:12 PM  
Blogger Maryam said...

A book with blank pages. MASTERPIECE. Sheer genius, mayn. Only Kanye West, eh? OHMYGODSOMEBODYSHOOTTHISGUY!!

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHHAHA!!! oh my lord! i dont think i have laughed the way i did after reading this post, for ages!!! you made my day! its just the way you'v written it all - actually you should write a book! i'd be there to get the autograph! :p

'written a 52 page book with blank pages', jeebus, that is hardwork! and ofcourse we'r all fools.

(my first time commenting here!!)

6:34 PM  
Blogger Ali. said...

brings to mind an omer sharif quote.

"kitab ka naam:

'ghora kese bhagta hai?"

pehla page:

'ghora aise bhagta hai'

baqiya saray pages:

'tugdugtugdugtugdug' "

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

lol, u write so well. This is probably one of the funniest pieces I have read in a while.
The sad part is that now a days every Tom, Dick and Harry is writing books. I mean if Britney Spears, Spears's mom, Paris Hilton can write books (and correct me if I am wrong but didnt Paris Hilton's dog write a book too:P) then so can Kanye West. The sad part is that they get publishers who want to publish them and pay them money for their crap. What is sadder is the people who buy their books and help these losers make even more money (like they need to make more). It's all just stupid money making business. While people continue to starve and die all over the world, retards like these continue to make money every way possible.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Kanye West book launch would be, quite possibly, the most amazing book event ever, no? (Lucas Jackson/Reuters)

indeed.. indeed.. indeed.. *thud*

11:49 AM  
Blogger Opinionated Jaahil said...

Literature should shoot itself and start turning in its grave.
Kanye West.
Wrote a book.
Man. Seriously?

11:01 PM  
Blogger . said...

hahah good write up!

4:02 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...


You are an asshole.

10:02 PM  
Blogger Ali. said...

ADP doesnt suck Saad Ghauri!! You suck!

11:30 PM  
Blogger Faisal.K said...

Another stoooped rapper getting a ghost writer to fill some pages...they are all the same... friggin never get out of the ghetto. RESPECT yo

4:48 AM  
Blogger KM said...


LUMS part2. pliss!!

8:53 PM  
Blogger Ali. said...

wut khizzy said

2:01 AM  
Blogger Purely Narcotic said...

I can't stop laughing. What a brilliant read.

This Kanye idiot goes on to collaborate with some T Murakami and that one week when it was in the news (and luck has it that I had to be reading Haruki Murakami's After Dark that week) every other yo-yo idiot told me they loved the 'Mura-something man'. Argh.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Zash said...

wayne is a Choo-tia.
wayn is a choo-tia..

and so is his dad.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Ahsan said...

Why is the spelling of "chootia" different in the headline of the post vs. his forehead?

3:06 AM  
Anonymous Bilal said...

The spelling doesn't matter. He remains one in any given case.

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Sarah B. said...

Omg!! What The Hell Is A *Proud Non-Reader Of Books?*. Asshole, Much?

And Bloody Hell. Bwahahahaawrgh. Kanye Kanye Kanye! *shakes head in dismay*. He's The Next Picasso, If Someone Has Seen "The Nude Woman", They'd Know what I'm Saying.

But A Book With blank Pages? Hahahaha. *points finger at West and laughs her ass off*

9:33 AM  
Blogger Babar Javed said...

Yo OBA, Ima let you finish, But Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all Tyme

_ Kanye yo brotha


I screamed my mouth off at your Rangoonwala concert. ("OBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA")

That was fun

9:03 AM  

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