Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Video Blog !

Here's our latest video blog, showing us working (hah!) in the studio recording our latest single "Kisi Aur Ka Intezar"

Watch it all the way to the end to hear a preview of the song!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Are You Dating A Crazy Woman?

In my travels, I have come across many species of women. There are many things I have learned and many more things I wish I never had to learn. One of those things is the ability to spot, at a great distance, and with great accuracy, a Crazy Woman.

The Crazy Woman is one of nature's most devastating forces, especially since they are so difficult to spot. Most guys spend their time making apologies or rationalizing the behavior of the Crazy Woman they are dating because they just assume “she's difficult” or “she's opinionated' or “she has a tiny but adorable tendency to be a raging bitch'. Crazy Women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always, hot. This coupled with Male Stupidity and Male Horniness increases the likelihood of a Crazy Woman preying on a Nice Guy with alarming frequency.

Normal Women however can spot a Crazy Woman from miles away, because Crazy Women tend to be their number one competition in finding a good man. Sadly in the world of Crazy Women, everything is upside down. Nice Guys never listen to Normal Women who tell them about Crazy Women. In an cruel twist, if Normal Women complain about Crazy Women, they in turn are labeled Crazy Women.

So I have, in my vast experience observed both the behavior of Crazy Women and listened to the advice of Normal Women. I used graphs, bar charts and rigorous statistical analysis and found that Crazy Women do in fact exhibit an extremely predictable pattern. Here are my 10 surefire signs to spot and avoid a Crazy Woman. Now in isolation, any one of these 10 points may be harmless or insignificant. But taken as a whole, you've got yourself one huge pile of batshit that you need to eliminate from your life. If you spot more than five of the following signs you're dating a Crazy Woman.

1.She hates your friends. And loves your enemies.

That's right, she not only hates your 'bros' but makes it a point to hang out with the assholes you hate. She avoids hanging out with you and the guys, gets quiet when she calls you and you're out with them, she glares when you narrate some awesome anecdote about the last time you were with them and subtly drops hint that she thinks your buddies are tiny little shit pieces. Now, most of you rational women will protest because hey, let's face it, most of your boyfriends have at least a couple of douchebag friends that you don't like. There's a key difference. No one likes a douchebag. But a Crazy Woman will hate the nice friends or the extra friendly friends even more because they represent someone who is more pleasant/nicer than her. Conversely, they will enjoy the company of people you cannot stand. It will scare you how accurate this is. Oh and you know the guys you can't stand because they always think they have a shot with her when she's with you, she'll definitely want to hang out with them the most.

You know what you should do right? You should tell her that you have a problem with this, because open communication is the best thing for any relationship.

Haha. No. You're an idiot.

2. She can dish it out, but she can't take it

Crazy Women claim they have a great sense of humor. They usually do. When it's at the expense of somebody other than them. They will constantly berate you and insult you in front of your friends under the guise of “oh c'mon, can't you take a joke?”. She'll bring up embarrassing times when you've tried to be romantic, draw attention to your stress acne and make fun of your failures. Because she is hot, people around her will laugh. You, being the schmuck that you are will be lulled into a false sense of “oh my girlfriend is so cool, we can totally make fun of each other” and you will try to retaliate by playfully teasing her about something. Hey, looks like she's been getting a little round, so you affectionately put your arms around her waist and whisper “I love your chubs”. Haha. You're an idiot. Hell hath no fury as a woman's chubs discovered. She will remove her shoes and beat your testicles with them, while screaming incoherently about carbs and happiness.

3. She has crazy moodswings without being pregnant

When a woman is pregnant, all bets are off. You need to shut the fuck up and be there for her, no matter how crazy she gets. Us men understand this. We give you women that license. However, you may not under any circumstances receive pregnancy treatment if in fact you are not, pregnant and are in fact, Crazy. Does your girl go from laughing to crying within five seconds? Does she make a joke about fat people but when you laugh, does she turn the tables on you by saying “do you think I'm fat?” Does she appear amorous and romantic one minute and switch to Lorena Bobbit the next? Yup. You're dating a crazy girl. And you're fucked.

4. She has a scary laugh

Does her laugh make your junk shrivel? A beautiful woman laughing is one of the best sounds any guy can hear. However, a Crazy Woman laughing might be the most terrifying thing to hear. The way to certify this is to look at her eyes. Do you feel like you're staring at Satan's butthole? Is there a vast chasm of emptiness, blackness and terror. Go ahead. Listen to her laughing closely. Is it joy? Or a prelude to torture. When she laughs, can you imagine her waterboarding you?

5. When she 'playfully' hits you, she leaves bruises.

It's awfully cute when girls playfully punches you in the shoulder when you're teasing them or gently smack you on your thigh when you crack an inappropriate joke. It's a sign of affection.
Crazy Women however, will beat you like Chris Brown. They will never ever hit you if they're feeling genuine affection for you. However, if you tease them, or crack a joke that mildly offends them they will beat you like they caught you breaking into their house. The worst part, they'll make sure they do it in public so that you can't admit that it actually hurts when their delicate little hands turn into tiny little estrogen fueled fists of rage.

6.She hates your mom

You know how most girls think it's endearing when guys have a healthy, warm relationship with their mum (unless that mom is desi). Crazy girls hate your mum. They consider her the root of all your prejudices and complexes about “liberated women” or “free thinking”. They are of course, right. You see most moms, used to be Normal Women. And as I have mentioned before, Normal Women are able to identify Crazy Women faster than frat boys can spot the drunkest girl at the party.

7.She hates her mom

Crazy Women do not have good relationships with their mothers. Their worst fear is that they will turn out exactly like their mothers. Most of the time, they already have. If you are dating a crazy girl who constantly has fights with her mother, complains about how her mother doesn't understand her or has her mom saved on her phone as “Controlling Bitch Birth Canal Person” you need to run the fuck away.

8.They will find a way to be the victim

Did she beat your ass in public, yet you find yourself apologizing? Did she yell at you in front of all your friends, yet you find yourself grovelling? Did she flirt with some other guy at a party yet you're the one begging for forgiveness? Crazy Women will always find a way to make you the fascist, misogynistic mullah in the relationship. If she does anything to upset you, it's because of your inability to handle a 'strong independent woman'. Anytime you cast so much as a disapproving fart in her direction, she will snarl at you while lobbing the eternally despised morality loophole “HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME”

9.They will take over your Facebook page.

You know how most animals pee in a large circle to mark their territory? Crazy Women will do the same thing to your Facebook page. She will flood your wall with inane comments that will start off fairly innocuously with cutesy, humorous little quips followed by smileys or their immoral cousins, winky smileys. e.g
“Call me today :)”
“I miss you!”
“Haha..this picture of yours is silly:)”

They may seem harmless but they are in fact none-too-subtle messages to the public that she keeps your manhood locked in an old shoebox under her bed. This graduates to more sociopathic behaviour:
'Why are you ignoring me?”
“I hate you”
“Fuck you. Call me”

10. Her ex is visibly relieved to not be dating her

Usually it's always a tense situation when you meet your girlfriend's ex. You start sizing him up, comparing yourself to him, wondering what she liked about him and whether he still has feelings for her. If however, you mention her name and the guy's expression glazes over like he's having a Vietnam flashback you need to be worried. Is he overly enthusiastic about meeting you? Does he give you a man hug and repeatedly confirm whether you and the girl are still together? Does he walk away from you while singing and clicking his heels together like a guy who's just been given free nachos ? You need to be worried. Very worried.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


It'll be a year today since Imran passed away.

It's funny how time passes by so quickly. It doesn't feel like a year. So much has happened in that time.

I think about Imran a lot. I wonder what he would say about the way things are in the music industry today. Imran was way ahead of his time, although he didn't know it. He knew that the Pakistan music industry was going to be all about live shows and songs were going to distributed almost exclusively on the internet. He knew that we were wasting our time chasing sponsors and record deals. He knew that there was no point spending money on big studios when we could record the same quality in our living rooms. I'm sad he isn't around to see how absolutely spot on he was in his predictions. I'm sad he isn't around for me to tell him, "Imran, you crazy bastard, you were right all along"

Imran's family has been absolutely amazing throughout this ordeal. they have show tremendous grace and spirit through the tragedy and they inspire me everyday. His mother still sends me text messages whenever we get a mention in the newspaper, or we come on television. She's still one of our biggest fans.

I pray for Imran and I hope he has found peace wherever he is. I hope he knows we miss him and still think of him.

I pray for his family and I pray to God to give them peace and the strength to carry on.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

The West Indies Get Stoned

No no...not that kind of stoned.

Turns out that us desis have been at it again, going all apeshit over cricket
Last night the West Indies hammered Bangladesh by defeating them by 9-wickets in the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011. The match was at Dhaka, and the Bangladeshi crowd were, less than thrilled. So they attacked the West Indies team bus by throwing rocks at it.

Here's the story at cricinfo

Now don't get me wrong, anytime people get attacked, its a serious matter and given what happened with the Sri Lankan cricket team 2 years ago in Lahore, The WIndies had every right to be terrified. But surprisingly, hilarity ensued.

Chris Gayle (pictured above) took to Twitter to vent his frustration.

henrygayle (Chris Gayle)

"This is some bullshit.....Bangladesh stoning our bus!!! Freaking glass Break!!! This is crap,can't believe..what next bullets!!!! Kiss teeth"

Kiss teeth? No doubt some colorful Carribean expression or maybe Gayle has some unusual ways of expressing anger.

He follows up with

"This is ridiculous!!! Damn!!! W Cup with so many security an this happen!! Big Joke!!! Trust me I'm not keen here!!! Av players lay flat!!!

I love how Gayle types exactly how his Carribean accent would sound.

The Bangladesh authorities were quick to sort out the matter

"A Bangladesh police official said the fans had mistaken the West Indies bus for the Bangladesh bus. "The fans thought it was the Bangladeshi team bus and they hurled stones at it," Imtiaz Ahmed, deputy commissioner of police in Dhaka, told AFP."

Oh alright. That's fine. ...carry on then.

Mustafa Kamal, the Bangladesh Cricket Board president, apologised for the incident, but insisted that there was enough security in place. "We are sorry about the incident. This is the first time it is happening here," he said. "Now we will take extra care. Much more security measures will be taken care of."
Kamal said the stones did not come from inside the cordoned-off area, but from far away from the main road. "Enough and adequate security measures were in place," he said. "The teams were moving away from the ground to the hotel, and there were enough convoys. There were three buses: one was a dummy bus and the two others were the team buses. The entire route was cordoned off by the police, and the security was enough.
 Here's my question. Who do they convince to ride in the dummy bus?
"Hey dude, you wanna just ride in a bus for a while?"
"Sure! I love bus rides!"
"Ok cool. Just  pretend to be all cricketery. Oh and you might get shot at or rocks thrown at you. But the plan will have worked because only you will die"

Kamal was at the team hotel to meet both sets of players. "Normally we know our crowd, they are okay," Kamal said. "The match was undoubtedly much below the expectation, and the crowd was a little upset. They wanted to show their anger and frustration against the Bangladeshi boys." 

Yes. They wanted to show their anger and frustration against the Bangladeshi boys. So they attacked.....The West Indies. Bangladeshis = Angry, passionate but mostly confused between most dark skinned people.

However, Kamal rejected the notion that the miscreants were actually targeting the Bangladesh bus.

What the fuck yaar! Who do they really want to attack? Make up your damn mind.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Batshit Article of The Day

One of my biggest New Year's resolutions was to be nicer to people on the internet. I realized that there were things I was reading everyday that were making me want to rip off my own arm just so I could beat myself over the head with something, especially in places like The Express Tribune blog section. Now I've already dueled with commentors on the Tribune site and every now and then I will read something that will infuriate me, but I've been trying to let it go, because hey! It's the internet. Everyone is mean, opinionated, self-righteous, judgemental and batshit insane.

So I choose to ignore most comments and most dumbass articles. However, this latest piece in the Tribune's blog section is once-in-a-lifetime amazing in its batshittery.

Go ahead and read it. Then do what I did and read it again, not believing what you read the first time. Whats that? Can't read the whole thing? Stabbed yourself in the eye? I know. So I'm going to spare you reading the whole thing and give you the highlights.

Title of Article: "Will ICC Investigate England vs. India Match"
Author: Ahmed Fuad.
Premise: The ICC should investigate the England vs. India Cricket World Cup league match because it was a high scoring tie. Also Shane Warne predicted it, proving that it was fixed and Shane Warne is in fact, Satan.

Best Batshit moments:

"I was unable to understand why England was unable to secure a victory against India in the recent Group B World Cup match until I heard the breaking news on TV. Shane Warne’s Twitter prediction, although it reached me late, resolved the whole matter."

Other than the fact that he was unable to stop using the word 'unable', Fuad clearly had major issues understanding how a match could be tied, an outcome that has happened, oh I don't know, 24 times already in the history of One Day Internationals.

But luckily his mental anguish came to an end when he read this prophetic tweet from Shane "Dajjal" Warne.

warne888 Shane Warne
Looking forward to the game between india and England today should be a cracker… My prediction a tie !
And as luck would have it, 8 hours later, England scored 338 runs to tie with India in what turned out to be, indeed a cracker of a contest.

Damn you Shane Warne and your evil sorcery.

Shane Warne, during his early days at Hogwarts.

Warne later faked amazement and amusement that his flippant, cheeky prediction had come true

warne888 Shane Warne
Before u think there was something untoward re prediction of a tie, thought it was going to be a cracker-tie was tongue in cheek-but right
He then offered a terrifying warning about the future mayhem he would wreck on cricket/world order.
warne888 Shane Warne
Thanks for all your nice replys re my prediction.. Will think of some more for the rest of world cup-maybe have a flutter @888sport...
Anyway, our author clearly smelled something fishy using the following reasoning:

"Predictions in cricket are usually about victory or about a close contest, not about a draw. It is not like soccer or hockey where draws are routine. One day cricket matches rarely result in draws, but this is a different case altogether."

Yes. Because a draw is not a close contest. But then Mr. Fuad goes all Sherlock on our asses as he investigates the match itself.

"After Sachin Tendulkar’s outstanding innings in this match, no one knows what happened to the strong Indian batting line. Why could it not survive for a complete 50 overs? ...To me, the reason is that the Indian batting line-up is over-rated by their media and cannot survive when it needs to; they can only perform well in favourable conditions. The same happened yesterday."
To me this is the awesome logic used. The Indian batsmen are shitty. they only score well (like, above 300) when conditions suit them (like when the track is clearly a batting wicket where both teams can score 300). But yesterday, they were even more shitty (by scoring above 300) in conditions that didn't suit them (like when the track is clearly a batting wicket where both teams can score 300). Therefore: While the Indian batting is generally shitty, what is suspicious is when they are generally shitty.
Then there's my favorite part, where he reveals that the Indian bowlers had a plan to not fight back and indeed it was strange/suspicious that they in fact...fought back. But it didn't count as a fightback because they used shitty bowlers.
"The Indian bowlers hardly fought back. It was strange that they managed to topple the England’s batting line up thanks to Zaheer Khan. Now if it had been Wasim, Waqar, McGrath or Shane Warne, it would have been easier to digest."
Translation: The most shocking fact was that they took wickets through that turd with a haircut Zaheer Khan! Zaheer Khan! who has no bowling ability but somehow was only their leading wicket-taker in Tests last year
"But Khan is someone who averages around 30 runs per wicket and has never enjoyed the status of being a fast bowler"
Yes. All this time, poor chootia that he is, Zaheer Khan has been fooling himself into thinking that he's a fast bowler and can't understand why Harbhajan keeps trying to teach him off-spin/bhangra. Indeed he has 'never enjoyed the status of being a fast bowler', so he should stop trying to bowl fast and kill himself.
Zaheer Khan, after being denied fast bowler status and told to fuck off.

Fuad then puts across another plausible argument,
"There could be psychological reasons behind England’s inability to defeat India. They were playing in a stadium where the audience was largely pro-India, a crowd that is known to be hostile. Remember the Sri Lanka/India semi final in the 1996 World Cup and Test match between Pakistan and India in 1999 when players had to leave the ground because of rowdy Indian supporters?"
Yes. So they decided to tie the match on the last ball. Because just outright LOSING it and handing victory to India in a World Cup Match would have just pissed off the jaahil Indians who couldn't decide who they wanted to win.

To end, I will pettily draw attention to Fuads use of the term "the land of bookies" repeatedly throughout his article. I don't really have to make fun of it since it was used legitimately. But since I'm corny and also kind of a douchebag, here is what I think the inhabitants of "the land of bookies" look like.

I believe the last one is Mazhar Majeed.

UPDATE: It appears that the batshit insane response to this whole episode is going to continue thanks to none other than the combined stupidity of The Pakistan Cricket board