The A.D.P Diaries

The End Of Aunty Disco Project

2011-05-05T15:25:00.001+05:00

Aunty Disco Project is breaking up. We've been sitting on this decision for a long time. Now's the time to tell you guys. Here's our official statement.

To all our fans and friends,

It is with a heavy heart that we're announcing our decision to end Aunty Disco Project.

We are in no way breaking up because of personal animosities or differences. We will always be family to each other. We're breaking up because the demands of real life were too difficult to ignore and because of our duty to fulfill individual personal and family commitments. We have decided to give each other the space to pursue our own ambitions.

We never in our wildest dreams imagined we would achieve what we did and we've savored and cherished every single moment. All we ever wanted to do was be in a rock band and play the kind of music that made people feel something. All we have ever wanted to do is give people an experience at our shows that they would always hold on to. It has been one of the greatest, most rewarding and magical experiences of our lives and it is time for us to leave while we can still hold our heads high.

We aren't ruling out the possibility of performing together in the future but Aunty Disco Project will formally cease to exist as of this summer.

In the coming months we will try to release several recorded songs, some of which you've heard at our shows, some of which are brand new. We'll also continue to be active on our Facebook page.

We will be performing one final time on June 25^th, 2011 to say goodbye and thank you for all the love and unending support you have shown us for the last 5 years.

Thank you all for your love and understanding. We truly hope you'll continue to listen to our songs and tell your kids about us someday.

Most of all, thank you for the memories.

Love,

Aunty Disco Project.

Video Blog !

2011-03-16T10:52:00.000+05:00

Here's our latest video blog, showing us working (hah!) in the studio recording our latest single "Kisi Aur Ka Intezar"

Watch it all the way to the end to hear a preview of the song!

Are You Dating A Crazy Woman?

2011-03-09T11:22:00.001+05:00

In my travels, I have come across many species of women. There are many things I have learned and many more things I wish I never had to learn. One of those things is the ability to spot, at a great distance, and with great accuracy, a Crazy Woman.

The Crazy Woman is one of nature's most devastating forces, especially since they are so difficult to spot. Most guys spend their time making apologies or rationalizing the behavior of the Crazy Woman they are dating because they just assume “she's difficult” or “she's opinionated' or “she has a tiny but adorable tendency to be a raging bitch'. Crazy Women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always, hot. This coupled with Male Stupidity and Male Horniness increases the likelihood of a Crazy Woman preying on a Nice Guy with alarming frequency.

Normal Women however can spot a Crazy Woman from miles away, because Crazy Women tend to be their number one competition in finding a good man. Sadly in the world of Crazy Women, everything is upside down. Nice Guys never listen to Normal Women who tell them about Crazy Women. In an cruel twist, if Normal Women complain about Crazy Women, they in turn are labeled Crazy Women.

So I have, in my vast experience observed both the behavior of Crazy Women and listened to the advice of Normal Women. I used graphs, bar charts and rigorous statistical analysis and found that Crazy Women do in fact exhibit an extremely predictable pattern. Here are my 10 surefire signs to spot and avoid a Crazy Woman. Now in isolation, any one of these 10 points may be harmless or insignificant. But taken as a whole, you've got yourself one huge pile of batshit that you need to eliminate from your life. If you spot more than five of the following signs you're dating a Crazy Woman.

1.She hates your friends. And loves your enemies.

That's right, she not only hates your 'bros' but makes it a point to hang out with the assholes you hate. She avoids hanging out with you and the guys, gets quiet when she calls you and you're out with them, she glares when you narrate some awesome anecdote about the last time you were with them and subtly drops hint that she thinks your buddies are tiny little shit pieces. Now, most of you rational women will protest because hey, let's face it, most of your boyfriends have at least a couple of douchebag friends that you don't like. There's a key difference. No one likes a douchebag. But a Crazy Woman will hate the nice friends or the extra friendly friends even more because they represent someone who is more pleasant/nicer than her. Conversely, they will enjoy the company of people you cannot stand. It will scare you how accurate this is. Oh and you know the guys you can't stand because they always think they have a shot with her when she's with you, she'll definitely want to hang out with them the most.

You know what you should do right? You should tell her that you have a problem with this, because open communication is the best thing for any relationship.

Haha. No. You're an idiot.

2. She can dish it out, but she can't take it

Crazy Women claim they have a great sense of humor. They usually do. When it's at the expense of somebody other than them. They will constantly berate you and insult you in front of your friends under the guise of “oh c'mon, can't you take a joke?”. She'll bring up embarrassing times when you've tried to be romantic, draw attention to your stress acne and make fun of your failures. Because she is hot, people around her will laugh. You, being the schmuck that you are will be lulled into a false sense of “oh my girlfriend is so cool, we can totally make fun of each other” and you will try to retaliate by playfully teasing her about something. Hey, looks like she's been getting a little round, so you affectionately put your arms around her waist and whisper “I love your chubs”. Haha. You're an idiot. Hell hath no fury as a woman's chubs discovered. She will remove her shoes and beat your testicles with them, while screaming incoherently about carbs and happiness.

3. She has crazy moodswings without being pregnant

When a woman is pregnant, all bets are off. You need to shut the fuck up and be there for her, no matter how crazy she gets. Us men understand this. We give you women that license. However, you may not under any circumstances receive pregnancy treatment if in fact you are not, pregnant and are in fact, Crazy. Does your girl go from laughing to crying within five seconds? Does she make a joke about fat people but when you laugh, does she turn the tables on you by saying “do you think I'm fat?” Does she appear amorous and romantic one minute and switch to Lorena Bobbit the next? Yup. You're dating a crazy girl. And you're fucked.

4. She has a scary laugh

Does her laugh make your junk shrivel? A beautiful woman laughing is one of the best sounds any guy can hear. However, a Crazy Woman laughing might be the most terrifying thing to hear. The way to certify this is to look at her eyes. Do you feel like you're staring at Satan's butthole? Is there a vast chasm of emptiness, blackness and terror. Go ahead. Listen to her laughing closely. Is it joy? Or a prelude to torture. When she laughs, can you imagine her waterboarding you?

5. When she 'playfully' hits you, she leaves bruises.

It's awfully cute when girls playfully punches you in the shoulder when you're teasing them or gently smack you on your thigh when you crack an inappropriate joke. It's a sign of affection.

Crazy Women however, will beat you like Chris Brown. They will never ever hit you if they're feeling genuine affection for you. However, if you tease them, or crack a joke that mildly offends them they will beat you like they caught you breaking into their house. The worst part, they'll make sure they do it in public so that you can't admit that it actually hurts when their delicate little hands turn into tiny little estrogen fueled fists of rage.

6.She hates your mom

You know how most girls think it's endearing when guys have a healthy, warm relationship with their mum (unless that mom is desi). Crazy girls hate your mum. They consider her the root of all your prejudices and complexes about “liberated women” or “free thinking”. They are of course, right. You see most moms, used to be Normal Women. And as I have mentioned before, Normal Women are able to identify Crazy Women faster than frat boys can spot the drunkest girl at the party.

7.She hates her mom

Crazy Women do not have good relationships with their mothers. Their worst fear is that they will turn out exactly like their mothers. Most of the time, they already have. If you are dating a crazy girl who constantly has fights with her mother, complains about how her mother doesn't understand her or has her mom saved on her phone as “Controlling Bitch Birth Canal Person” you need to run the fuck away.

8.They will find a way to be the victim

Did she beat your ass in public, yet you find yourself apologizing? Did she yell at you in front of all your friends, yet you find yourself grovelling? Did she flirt with some other guy at a party yet you're the one begging for forgiveness? Crazy Women will always find a way to make you the fascist, misogynistic mullah in the relationship. If she does anything to upset you, it's because of your inability to handle a 'strong independent woman'. Anytime you cast so much as a disapproving fart in her direction, she will snarl at you while lobbing the eternally despised morality loophole “HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME”

9.They will take over your Facebook page.

You know how most animals pee in a large circle to mark their territory? Crazy Women will do the same thing to your Facebook page. She will flood your wall with inane comments that will start off fairly innocuously with cutesy, humorous little quips followed by smileys or their immoral cousins, winky smileys. e.g

“Call me today :)”

“I miss you!”

“Haha..this picture of yours is silly:)”

They may seem harmless but they are in fact none-too-subtle messages to the public that she keeps your manhood locked in an old shoebox under her bed. This graduates to more sociopathic behaviour:

'Why are you ignoring me?”

“I hate you”

“Fuck you. Call me”

10. Her ex is visibly relieved to not be dating her

Usually it's always a tense situation when you meet your girlfriend's ex. You start sizing him up, comparing yourself to him, wondering what she liked about him and whether he still has feelings for her. If however, you mention her name and the guy's expression glazes over like he's having a Vietnam flashback you need to be worried. Is he overly enthusiastic about meeting you? Does he give you a man hug and repeatedly confirm whether you and the girl are still together? Does he walk away from you while singing and clicking his heels together like a guy who's just been given free nachos ? You need to be worried. Very worried.

Imran.

2011-03-08T13:35:00.000+05:00

It'll be a year today since Imran passed away.

It's funny how time passes by so quickly. It doesn't feel like a year. So much has happened in that time.

I think about Imran a lot. I wonder what he would say about the way things are in the music industry today. Imran was way ahead of his time, although he didn't know it. He knew that the Pakistan music industry was going to be all about live shows and songs were going to distributed almost exclusively on the internet. He knew that we were wasting our time chasing sponsors and record deals. He knew that there was no point spending money on big studios when we could record the same quality in our living rooms. I'm sad he isn't around to see how absolutely spot on he was in his predictions. I'm sad he isn't around for me to tell him, "Imran, you crazy bastard, you were right all along"

Imran's family has been absolutely amazing throughout this ordeal. they have show tremendous grace and spirit through the tragedy and they inspire me everyday. His mother still sends me text messages whenever we get a mention in the newspaper, or we come on television. She's still one of our biggest fans.

I pray for Imran and I hope he has found peace wherever he is. I hope he knows we miss him and still think of him.

I pray for his family and I pray to God to give them peace and the strength to carry on.

The West Indies Get Stoned

2011-03-05T13:07:00.002+05:00

No no...not that kind of stoned.

Turns out that us desis have been at it again, going all apeshit over cricket
Last night the West Indies hammered Bangladesh by defeating them by 9-wickets in the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011. The match was at Dhaka, and the Bangladeshi crowd were, less than thrilled. So they attacked the West Indies team bus by throwing rocks at it.

Here's the story at cricinfo

Now don't get me wrong, anytime people get attacked, its a serious matter and given what happened with the Sri Lankan cricket team 2 years ago in Lahore, The WIndies had every right to be terrified. But surprisingly, hilarity ensued.

Chris Gayle (pictured above) took to Twitter to vent his frustration.

henrygayle (Chris Gayle)

"This is some bullshit.....Bangladesh stoning our bus!!! Freaking glass Break!!! This is crap,can't believe..what next bullets!!!! Kiss teeth"

Kiss teeth? No doubt some colorful Carribean expression or maybe Gayle has some unusual ways of expressing anger.

He follows up with

"This is ridiculous!!! Damn!!! W Cup with so many security an this happen!! Big Joke!!! Trust me I'm not keen here!!! Av players lay flat!!!

I love how Gayle types exactly how his Carribean accent would sound.

The Bangladesh authorities were quick to sort out the matter

"A Bangladesh police official said the fans had mistaken the West Indies bus for the Bangladesh bus. "The fans thought it was the Bangladeshi team bus and they hurled stones at it," Imtiaz Ahmed, deputy commissioner of police in Dhaka, told AFP."

Oh alright. That's fine. ...carry on then.

Mustafa Kamal, the Bangladesh Cricket Board president, apologised for the incident, but insisted that there was enough security in place. "We are sorry about the incident. This is the first time it is happening here," he said. "Now we will take extra care. Much more security measures will be taken care of."

Kamal said the stones did not come from inside the cordoned-off area, but from far away from the main road. "Enough and adequate security measures were in place," he said. "The teams were moving away from the ground to the hotel, and there were enough convoys. There were three buses: one was a dummy bus and the two others were the team buses. The entire route was cordoned off by the police, and the security was enough.

Here's my question. Who do they convince to ride in the dummy bus?

"Hey dude, you wanna just ride in a bus for a while?"

"Sure! I love bus rides!"

"Ok cool. Just pretend to be all cricketery. Oh and you might get shot at or rocks thrown at you. But the plan will have worked because only you will die"

Kamal was at the team hotel to meet both sets of players. "Normally we know our crowd, they are okay," Kamal said. "The match was undoubtedly much below the expectation, and the crowd was a little upset. They wanted to show their anger and frustration against the Bangladeshi boys."

Yes. They wanted to show their anger and frustration against the Bangladeshi boys. So they attacked.....The West Indies. Bangladeshis = Angry, passionate but mostly confused between most dark skinned people.

However, Kamal rejected the notion that the miscreants were actually targeting the Bangladesh bus.

What the fuck yaar! Who do they really want to attack? Make up your damn mind.

Batshit Article of The Day

2011-03-01T23:30:00.005+05:00

One of my biggest New Year's resolutions was to be nicer to people on the internet. I realized that there were things I was reading everyday that were making me want to rip off my own arm just so I could beat myself over the head with something, especially in places like The Express Tribune blog section. Now I've already dueled with commentors on the Tribune site and every now and then I will read something that will infuriate me, but I've been trying to let it go, because hey! It's the internet. Everyone is mean, opinionated, self-righteous, judgemental and batshit insane.

So I choose to ignore most comments and most dumbass articles. However, this latest piece in the Tribune's blog section is once-in-a-lifetime amazing in its batshittery.

Go ahead and read it. Then do what I did and read it again, not believing what you read the first time. Whats that? Can't read the whole thing? Stabbed yourself in the eye? I know. So I'm going to spare you reading the whole thing and give you the highlights.

Title of Article: "Will ICC Investigate England vs. India Match"
Author: Ahmed Fuad.
Premise: The ICC should investigate the England vs. India Cricket World Cup league match because it was a high scoring tie. Also Shane Warne predicted it, proving that it was fixed and Shane Warne is in fact, Satan.

Best Batshit moments:

"I was unable to understand why England was unable to secure a victory against India in the recent Group B World Cup match until I heard the breaking news on TV. Shane Warne’s Twitter prediction, although it reached me late, resolved the whole matter."

Other than the fact that he was unable to stop using the word 'unable', Fuad clearly had major issues understanding how a match could be tied, an outcome that has happened, oh I don't know, 24 times already in the history of One Day Internationals.

But luckily his mental anguish came to an end when he read this prophetic tweet from Shane "Dajjal" Warne.

warne888 Shane Warne

Looking forward to the game between india and England today should be a cracker… My prediction a tie !

And as luck would have it, 8 hours later, England scored 338 runs to tie with India in what turned out to be, indeed a cracker of a contest.

Damn you Shane Warne and your evil sorcery.

Shane Warne, during his early days at Hogwarts.

Warne later faked amazement and amusement that his flippant, cheeky prediction had come true

warne888 Shane Warne

Before u think there was something untoward re prediction of a tie, thought it was going to be a cracker-tie was tongue in cheek-but right

He then offered a terrifying warning about the future mayhem he would wreck on cricket/world order.

warne888 Shane Warne

Thanks for all your nice replys re my prediction.. Will think of some more for the rest of world cup-maybe have a flutter @888sport...

Anyway, our author clearly smelled something fishy using the following reasoning:

"Predictions in cricket are usually about victory or about a close contest, not about a draw. It is not like soccer or hockey where draws are routine. One day cricket matches rarely result in draws, but this is a different case altogether."

Yes. Because a draw is not a close contest. But then Mr. Fuad goes all Sherlock on our asses as he investigates the match itself.

"After Sachin Tendulkar’s outstanding innings in this match, no one knows what happened to the strong Indian batting line. Why could it not survive for a complete 50 overs? ...To me, the reason is that the Indian batting line-up is over-rated by their media and cannot survive when it needs to; they can only perform well in favourable conditions. The same happened yesterday."

To me this is the awesome logic used. The Indian batsmen are shitty. they only score well (like, above 300) when conditions suit them (like when the track is clearly a batting wicket where both teams can score 300). But yesterday, they were even more shitty (by scoring above 300) in conditions that didn't suit them (like when the track is clearly a batting wicket where both teams can score 300). Therefore: While the Indian batting is generally shitty, what is suspicious is when they are generally shitty.

Then there's my favorite part, where he reveals that the Indian bowlers had a plan to not fight back and indeed it was strange/suspicious that they in fact...fought back. But it didn't count as a fightback because they used shitty bowlers.

"The Indian bowlers hardly fought back. It was strange that they managed to topple the England’s batting line up thanks to Zaheer Khan. Now if it had been Wasim, Waqar, McGrath or Shane Warne, it would have been easier to digest."

Translation: The most shocking fact was that they took wickets through that turd with a haircut Zaheer Khan! Zaheer Khan! who has no bowling ability but somehow was only their leading wicket-taker in Tests last year.

"But Khan is someone who averages around 30 runs per wicket and has never enjoyed the status of being a fast bowler"

Yes. All this time, poor chootia that he is, Zaheer Khan has been fooling himself into thinking that he's a fast bowler and can't understand why Harbhajan keeps trying to teach him off-spin/bhangra. Indeed he has 'never enjoyed the status of being a fast bowler', so he should stop trying to bowl fast and kill himself.

Zaheer Khan, after being denied fast bowler status and told to fuck off.

Fuad then puts across another plausible argument,

"There could be psychological reasons behind England’s inability to defeat India. They were playing in a stadium where the audience was largely pro-India, a crowd that is known to be hostile. Remember the Sri Lanka/India semi final in the 1996 World Cup and Test match between Pakistan and India in 1999 when players had to leave the ground because of rowdy Indian supporters?"

Yes. So they decided to tie the match on the last ball. Because just outright LOSING it and handing victory to India in a World Cup Match would have just pissed off the jaahil Indians who couldn't decide who they wanted to win.

To end, I will pettily draw attention to Fuads use of the term "the land of bookies" repeatedly throughout his article. I don't really have to make fun of it since it was used legitimately. But since I'm corny and also kind of a douchebag, here is what I think the inhabitants of "the land of bookies" look like.

I believe the last one is Mazhar Majeed.

UPDATE: It appears that the batshit insane response to this whole episode is going to continue thanks to none other than the combined stupidity of The Pakistan Cricket board

http://tribune.com.pk/story/126057/pcb-wants-inquiry-into-warnes-prediction/

IN-FUCKING-FURIATING

Behind the Scenes of "Hum Naa Rahay" : Return of The Blog

2011-02-19T00:09:00.004+05:00

Guess who's back?

Once again, the start of another blog post where I apologize for my long absence and promise to be better in the future. But you guys know better don't you...you've been played before. However you should know that every time I come back and promise to keep writing regularly, I well and truly mean it. However, in my defense, I should say that..well..shit, I'm supposed to be ROCKSTAR. I should be waist deep in a world of guitar riffs, screaming fans and and women of questionable morals rather than feigning literacy on this extremely self absorbed website. However, work, travel and hanging out with my band members (who have sufficiently questionable morals) seems to have taken most of my time, alas it has been devoid of debauchery.
I find myself returning here to my little dick-joke-filled sanctuary on the internet.

When I started writing here about five years ago, I was 24 years old, I had just returned to Pakistan after living and studying in the U.S. for five years. I had just formed the Aunty Disco Project and was in the middle of recording our album. Here we are five years later, I'm in the middle of recording my second album with ADP. Out of the four original members, Yasir and I are the only ones left. Justin Bieber is the King of Pop. A black guy is the U.S. president. Crazy shit has clearly occurred. We've had the most incredible highs and the most heartbreaking lows. But now, for the first time, we're actually tasting real success. Last year was a big year for us, it featured our performance on Coke Studio that suddenly got us a whole new fan base. For the first time we began to think that maybe, just maybe we had finally made it.

We haven't made it.

But we've come real close. If the popularity of our Coke Studio performance made us feel vindicated, the runaway success of our latest music video "Meray Masoom Dost (Hum Naa Rahay)" was just pure exhiliration.

As of today, the video has already received 13,500 hits. The response has been truly amazing and we've just been riding the wave of attention and praise that's come our way because of the video. A whole lot of credit goes to our two directors Bilal Khan and Shayan Agha over at Forward Media productions and they deserve all the praise they get for their work on the video. I think this is the first video we've done that truly captures the attitude of the band. Over the years we've made a conscious effort to not take ourselves too seriously and to really hold up our music for what it was, which is pure, unpretentious entertainment. , I think I've been the slowest to embrace this kind of mentality, (propagated mostly by Ali Alam and Rahail), I've always wanted to project that air of mystery and unforced cool that was the hallmark of my rock idols, like Keith Richards or Robert Plant. But I guess that's not who I am. And for the first time I'm comfortable with just being a musician without a cool image. Four years ago, if you'd told me I would be doing a music video with a giant panda in it I would have pulled out my rape whistle and screamed. But here I am with an amazing panda music video and a story of just how we got there.

We always knew "Hum Naa Rahay" was going to be the first single we released from our upcoming album. The song is special for us in many ways, it was the first song Ali brought with him to the table when he joined ADP and it was the first song we recorded on our own at Rahails. To see a song become a hit knowing we did everything in it from the composition, the lyrics, the recording and producing, was really satisfying. We finally managed to prove to ourselves that we didn't need to moonlight as whores on the street to pay for our audio recordings.

So the song got a fair amount of exposure on the radio channels and through Youtube, when we released just the audio version for Superstars For Flood Relief. We purposely chose not to make this song available for free download simply because we wanted all the money to go towards the victims of the floods in Pakistan. Anyway, we were in talks with a bunch of directors for the music video and one day, in the evening we got an email from Bilal Khan telling us he loved the song and him and his partner at Forward Media, Shayan Agha were really interested in making this music video for us. When he pressed us for ideas, I think it was Rahail who brought up the idea of having a person in the panda costume. For us, the panda didn't even have to be central to the theme of the video, we just thought it would be insanely cool to have a giant panda just lurking somewhere in the background while we rocked out. Why? Pandas are inherently funny animals.
To elaborate:

1) They are bi-colored. All bi-colored animals are for some reason regarded as stupid and hence hilarious. E.g. zebras, penguins, pandas. Black and white animals are especially prone to being stereotyped as being cute and brain damaged.

2) My panda obsession started with a hilarious South Park episode entitled "Sexual Harassment Panda" where South Park Elementary hires a man in a panda suit to teach 5th graders about sexual harassment. Best quote: "When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda"

3) Will Ferrell's incrediblehilariousepicawesome movie "Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy" revolves around a news story of a giant panda giving birth at the San Diego Zoo. Ron Burgundy and his news team cover this news in a series known as "Panda Watch"

4) Then of course...there is this:

So armed with this crucial piece of information, Shayan went and wrote an entire concept for the music video within a couple of hours and emailed it back to us. We loved it. He sketched an entire plot about how the panda was like the sixth ADP member and we did everything with him. We were all just bowled over by the idea and we couldn't wait to shoot it. Literally we were on the phone immediately setting up meetings and saying YES YES WE SHOOT THIS NOW PANDA SO FUNNY HAHA OMG LOL.

Luckily for us, Bilal and Shayan were as enthusiastic as we were and they set the ball rolling immediately.

The biggest problem of course was finding a convincing panda suit. I had never seen one in Karachi and all of us went around asking friends and trolling the internet with such dubious search terms as "How To Make Panda Costume", "Panda Costume Karachi" and "Furry Animal Costume Fighting Party". The last one wasn't really relevant but still...I was curious.

Apparently, Bilal and Shayan were able to find the only adult-sized panda costume in all of Karachi, in one of these novelty costume/prop/party stores. I believe this is how that conversation went.

Bilal/Shayan: "Suney, aap key paas jaanwar kay costume hain?" (Do you have animal costumes?)
Shop Dude: "Hain leykin sirf bachon kay size mein hain" (Yup, but only kid sizes)
Bilal/Shayan: "Baron key liay costume nahin hain?" (Aww man, no adult sizes?)
Shop/Dude: "Nahin...humarey paas sirf bachon key hain....waisey aik adult costume hae...leykin woh panda hae" (Naah...all kid sizes...actually wait, i think we have one adult costume...buts its a panda)
Bilal/Shayan: *spontaneous bhangra* (*instant flailing of limbs*)

Long story short, we got ourselves a panda costume.

The first time Bilal and Shayan came over with the suit, I thought I was going to die laughing. This panda was not cute. It was terrifying. Especially the eyes. This panda was Satan. We had to make sure the ears were taped up so that they always looked perky (yes...perky panda ears are important to us). We also stuffed its belly with cushions because a skinny panda is a shady panda. With the final piece of the puzzle acquired we set off to shoot the video guerilla style one fine Saturday morning.

No one is a happy camper Saturday morning. Especially not a guy in a panda suit. but our panda, Haris was a real champ. It got crazy hot in there so we had to remove the panda head (much to the horror of any children who were watching us) after almost every shot so that Haris could breathe. The initial scenes of us walking down the street were the funniest because a crowd of chowkidaars gathered out onto the street to gawk at a most retarded sight of five dudes buddying it up with a giant panda. What was more disturbing was how many dogs the panda costume was attracting. Apparently the neighborhood dogs thought they were being attacked by a giant man/panda hybrid and went insane barking their heads off. At one point Haaris refused to come out of the car because he was so sure he was going to be mauled by a pack of rabid pandacidal dogs.

We shot the park scene next in a park that can only be described as a death trap. The swings were rusted, the slide had a huge hole in the middle into which many a short sighted kid must have fallen and many a fat kid must have got stuck. The tunnel slide was coated with a liquid that I do not care to comment on, but I'm pretty sure we should all get tested for STDs.

It's interesting to note looking at this picture that we hadn't actually told Giles what the concept of the video was. Since Giles is a minority, this was to be expected. But it was extra hilarious because he kept asking what the hell the point of the panda was and just being genuinely confused throughout the video shoot. At this point in the picture, I think we were trying our best to get a sad reaction shot of him (upon losing his panda friend) but we ended up just trying to make him laugh instead. Actually we cracked up at several times in the video, because every now and then, we'd look at Haris in the panda suit and I don't know how the guy did it, but he managed to bring the most hilarious/tragic expressions to the panda face. The shot where the panda gets dejected and bows his head in sadness was performed by Haris with the intensity of a Shakespearean death scene.

You won't believe this but the popcorn/movie watching scene was actually shot in the basement of Bilal Maqsood, that's right, Bilal Maqsood from Strings. Don't ask us how we managed this, but basically we needed a room with a overhead projector for us to pretend like we were watching a horror movie together, and so we somehow ended up at Bilal Maqsood's basement and he was gracious enough to let us use it. We even met the great Anwar Maqsood while we were walking in. Which was..awkward. Note to self, next time you meet a television/comedy legend, don't do it in a panda costume.

Yup, that expression was about right.

That was probably the most fun part of the shoot, we got to eat a whole bunch of popcorn and sit on a couch and act like douchebags.

Food was to feature yet again as we shot the cafe scene next, at The Roadside Cafe, which is one of my favorite, most awesome places to hang out in Karachi. (They were also the only ones who let us shoot inside their premises.) Since their kitchen wasn't open, we got our own food, which if you observe closely you'll see that we ordered burgers from CHIPS at Boat Basin. Try the Roast Beef Burger. It'll make you poop like a bullet train, but it's totally worth it.

The funniest scene at Roadside Cafe was when we asked the old man who was standing guard outside the place to act in our video. He was massively stressed about his acting debut, the simple action of stopping the panda from coming inside the cafe was making this guy crazy anxious. I had to bite my lip to stop laughing because this old baba was approaching this acting job with an almost Nicolas Cage-like intensity. If you look at his face during that scene, it looks like he was going to murder the panda on the road. I think we had to re-shoot that sequence a couple of times because the old baba was just making it look too much like Die Hard 4.

The last scenes we shot that day were the ones in my jam room at home. By this time, we had all given each other a variation of the cold or some allergy and we were sneezing like maniacs. You can't tell from the video but there was a box of tissues going around after every take. The "Don't Feed The Panda" sign was my idea and Ali Alam was responsible for the artwork.

Yes. I have a banana stand.

We also filmed a highly uncomfortable sequence where Yasir, the Panda and I crammed into the backseat of Giles Suzuki FX while he drove like a maniac outside my house, leading the three of us to inadvertently molest each other. By this time, Haris had been inside the panda suit for four hours. I did not want to imagine what he was smelling like inside. (I believe Rahail used the expression "day-old ass")

The next day, we shot the live performance sequence at the BOSE showroom on a tiny stage we constructed. We threw out an open invitation to any fans who wanted to attend and we managed to assemble an amazing crowd who were really patient, really enthusiastic and totally into the whole video. Even thought it wasn't a large number, credit to Bilal and Shayan, the way they shot it, it completely looked like we were in a massive concert. With so much energy and such a great crowd, we felt guilty lip syncing, plus we weren't able to perform with the same kind of intensity. So we ended up playing 100% live. I think that's why you don't see too many shots in the video where the audio syncs up with the video while we were singing, but I'm glad we didn't lip sync. Everything you see during the performance segment is us actually performing and really putting on a show for some die-hard fans

Here's the stage before

I know right? It's tiny! And here's what it looked like while we were shooting

At the end of the day, it really didn't feel like a music video shoot to us at all. It was just like somebody stepped into our everyday lives and decided to document us. (Except we're never that pally to each other in real life. Don't think we've ever gone to a park to play on swings together either). We got to just hang out and eat a crap load of food and not deal with idiot crew members, make up or random technical people. The shoot was really personal and as directors, Bilal and Shayan were completely on top of their game, knowing exactly what shot they wanted and when to get it. I think the best thing about those guys was they just got our sense of humor. When we were sitting around tossing out ideas, nothing was off the table. A lot of the shots were just conceived at the moment and it was just a fantastic, really creative environment to be in. Now that I have effectively advertised you guys, Bilal and Shayan, will you please come back and make our second video and stop wasting your time trying to make other people famous instead.

Anyway, so that's pretty much the back story for how "Hum Naa Rahay" got made, here's some links to what newspapers had to say about us, do be sure to check out the video and spread it around to all your buddies and leave us some comments!

Blog review by Iftikhar Bin Waqar

Review by Maheen Sabeeh for The News Instep Today

Media Gallery and Interview in Dawn

The blog is back!

We have a brand new single out!!

2010-10-28T17:26:00.000+05:00

OI!

Finally finally finally, we're releasing a brand new song called Hum Naa Rahay "(Meray Masoom Dost)"! So here's some cool stuff you need to know about it

1) The song is available to download from iTunes for $0.99. All proceeds will be donated to the Karachi Relief Trust who are collecting funds for the victims of the Pakistan Floods. We're part of this amazing initiative called "Superstars for Flood Relief" where musicians are donating their songs for download and giving the proceeds to helping out the flood victims. Please do check out their website to see how you can donate.

2) It's the first officially released ADP song that features Mr. Ali Alam on vocals! The song was written and composed by him too.

3) We produced and recorded this song all on our own, mixed and mastered by Rahail. It's the very first thing we've managed to produce all on our own and we're really really excited with the results. Let us know what you think of it!

4) We'll be following up with a music video pretty soon...stay tuned for that! In the mean time please share this with as many people as possible. The last time we released a single was exactly 2 years ago. So this song goes out to all the fans who've been waiting very patiently for something from us.

We love you all :)

Something awesome this way comes....

2010-10-18T14:02:00.001+05:00

Exciting news people! We're releasing a brand new single and all the proceeds go to helping the flood relief victims in Pakistan. More to follow: Here's Ali and I telling you what it's all about and giving you a sneak preview of the song! "Hum Na Rahey (Meray Masoom Dost)"

Music Channels need to end.

2010-09-17T18:51:00.001+05:00

Hello loyal blog followers, I trust that all 15 of you have been keeping well? So I was on a break for the last month, travelling and then chilling out on Eid. Obviously a lots happened in the country since then which I've already addressed here in my column for the Express Tribune. But being away from Pakistan allowed me to gain some perspective on a whole bunch of things regarding the industry I'm in. So here, in my most self-important and pompous bit of writing yet, I tell you why our music channels need to stop existing.

Watching our local music channels on TV makes me want to find a blunt object and pay someone to slowly beat me to death with it. First of all, you can't call them music channels at all, at best their shows can be described as "time spent between advertisements". Now for everyone who's going to parrot back at me and say "they have to make money somehow yaar" that is no excuse for the mind numbingly stupid programming they have. Radio stations make it work all the time. Just because advertisements are a revenue stream it doesn't mean you can't manage them within quality programming.

To be fair, I know a lot of good, intelligent kids who genuinely wanted to work for music channels. They had visions of interviewing new and exciting bands, talking and promoting music, being innovative and having the chance to really entertain people with our own homegrown talent. Not one of them stuck around for more than a year. In fact as a general rule, they all left waving one middle finger in the air and having one index finger pointing to their balls. (not on the same hand, that's tricky to do...but not impossible..just saying). Nobody can deal with the incompetence and the sheer cynicism shown by the people at the top of the management.

Nobody else in the world is sticking with the same VJ format. VJ's are a thing of the past. No other music channels in the world have them. The typical formula here seems to be to pair a fresh faced, pretty 20 something girl with some obnoxious douchebag guy who is supposed to be streetwise and uses the word "tight" to describe something he finds appealing. I really feel for these kids. I know a lot of VJ's personally and most of them are nice people, smart and intelligent and they have a lot to offer. I've also heard directors barking orders at them telling them how to act so that the 'masses' will appreciate them. So the girls become stupider and the guys become more obnoxious. There is a strong sense of resentment against anything considered "Western" or intellectual or foreign or burger mostly because of the complexes of the directors working there.Eventually any sort of creativity or individuality that these kids would bring to a TV show is wiped clean and what we have is a parade of zombies on television who desperately pinball between different tv channels in the hopes that things will be different but they never are.

Bands are still chasing the dream out there. There's a few poor sods out there who are still investing their life's savings into recording that one killer song with the awesome video shot on 35mm. I truly feel sorry for these guys because they're relying on television channels to make them successful, which is the equivalent of taking a picture of a lump of your shit, putting it on TV and then expecting people to know that it is in fact your lump of shit.
TV channels will play your video for a week and then retire it. Heck they'll probably lose it. I wouldn't be surprised if they took your video out of the system after a week, gave it to one of the brain-damaged engineers working there who uses it to wipe his ass while singing the first verse of "Khamaj".
I recently went to a TV channel for an interview and they asked me what video of ADP's should they play. I told them to play "Nazar". They said they didn't have it. I told them that was impossible considering that it had already run a whole bunch of times when it was released and that I had personally delivered the video to them myself. To which they replied "The system was cleared out, so we lost most of the videos before 2006". I told them 'Nazar' came out in 2008. And I also pointed out that they were playing a song by Faakhir that came out in 2003. They didn't even bother apologizing. They just remained silent while, I kid you not, I pointed and loudly laughed at them calling them out on how they were blatantly lying to me.

TV channels aren't even trying. A lot of apologists are going to come back at me saying they don't have budgets. If you don't have a budget then please exit the market. Please close up shop. Cut your losses and end. But the black cynicism prevailing through every single one of these channels is that "we'll just put Bollywood Songs on television. "The 'masses' love them jhankaar beats! Oh and we get to show indian actresses half-naked and defying gravity with hips and nips, they'll love it.". What you're seeing is an insult to your intelligence. What music channel producers are saying is that you are too stupid and too horny to deserve any better.

Our 'masses' deserve better. They deserve intelligent, smart programming. They deserve to know about upcoming bands. They deserve to see live concerts with great sound recording, shot by professional directors rather than three dudes with cameras. They deserve to see profiles, reports and news about our mainstream artists, what they're upto and what they plan to do. They deserve to see hot girls doing something more than just coming on screen being shot from the waist up taking calls from semi-retarded people and simply telling you when they're going to break for ads. They deserve to see something special on Eid rather the hellish "Eid Lounges" year after fucking year asking the same questions. More than anything our public deserves to watch and listen to Pakistani music videos and judge for themselves, develop their own taste and have a fucking clue about the music scene today. Don't for one bit buy the myth that TV channels are simply giving people what they want. People want to hear music, and they want to hear good Pakistani music, so blaming Bollywood for being so darn sexy that you can't play anything else is insulting to everyone involved.

I probably wouldn't have written this piece 3 years ago when I too was one of those desperately struggling bands offering to whore myself just so you could play my music video. I realize with this post I might be burning a lot of bridges. But for once I dont find myself caring. We've already been banned by one music channel and you know what, no one even fucking knew about it. Because the incredible thing that has happened is that within the last year or so, the TV channels are now finding themselves increasingly irrelevant as the Internet is becoming THE place to find out about the latest Pakistani music. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a website like KoolMuzone. These kids are true blue Pakistani music fans and they will promote everyone from indie bands to big mainstream artists. It's the most exciting thing I've seen for the music scene in a long long time. Fans can access the complete videography of their favourite artists, they get updated with the latest news, they get links to the latest articles anyones writing about the scene and its a fantastic resource for them to give their feedback directly to the artist. The best thing about them is that if you like a song after seeing its video, you can just download it, right there and then. To me, that's what music videos are supposed to be about, THE MUSIC. The visuals should always be secondary.
In short, websites like KoolMuzone, PakMusic and Pakium are doing everything music channels should be, except they're doing it faster and better. They are the true future of our music scene. I think the next step would be for them to start having their own hosts, and their own online shows that would give talented actors and personalities a chance to operate outside the bounds of the staid television mores and that's what has me really excited.

So if you're a band out there, don't spend your scarce resources on making a wildly expensive music videos and chasing TV channel execs. Expensive music videos out there are already becoming obsolete. If your music is good and you kick ass as a live performer, I promise people will notice you. Spend your time putting your videos online, building a website, maintaining a happening facebook page and having an online presence on Pakistani music websites. It's the way to go and the smart ones out there are already recognising it.

The Day It Aired

2010-07-21T13:06:00.001+05:00

So if you missed it, here's our performance of Sultanat on Coke Studio. This song is dedicated to Imran Lodhi.

What did you think?

I thought we did pretty well :)

The response has been overwhelming. I know Coke Studio is a huge platform and it's watched by millions of people all over the world, but I never fully realized it's incredible reach and massive appeal. Our twitters, mailboxes and facebook pages got flooded with comments the day the episode aired. The feedback was largely positive, most people had never heard of us before and were pleasantly surprised, our die hard fan base felt vindicated, and the people who didn't like us before, grudgingly admitted that we had done well. With the extra publicity, we of course attracted the attention of extra haters and critics, but I guess it's all part of the deal.

So what's it like? I went through several stages. The weeks leading up to the episode were maddening. I'd have dreams about us bombing on Coke Studio and everyone hating us. I woke up 3 nights in a row in a cold sweat (how dramatic! But totally true..) pacing the room. I got reassuring messages from Adnan Malik, (one of the directors along with Zeeshan Pervez) and the band also got a message from Rohail Hyatt himself a couple of nights before the episode telling us we were great and had nothing to worry about. More importantly he told us to prepare for criticism and not let it get to us.

The night of the episode, you would have thought we all watched it together but instead we all watched it separately with our own friends and family. I think when you're under that much stress, it's important to have your best and closest support around you.

My best friends came over to watch the episode with me. They're not huge music fans, in fact this was the first time most of them were watching this seasons Coke Studio. I was being a complete Nazi, banning them from speaking during any of the songs, nervously flipping through all the channels to see where we'd get the best sound quality.

When the moment arrived, I was numb. Once the opening guitar notes started playing, I began to relax, the sound was loud and clear and just...fantastic. Everyone held their breath right up until the end, watching my face to deliver the verdict. I was beaming. It was fantastic.

Thats when the phones started ringing off the hook. My parents who'd been watching in another room were excitedly fielding calls from my relatives all over the country who were watching at the same time. I couldn't speak to all of them because there were suddenly too many phone calls and sms's everywhere, just complete chaos. I called up Ali, jumping up and down, yelling “yay!! We didn't suck!!”

Then we immediately got on the internets to read the comments on youtube and the facebook pages. All my friends sat around me while I read out the comments that were overwhelmingly positive. I even read out the mean ones for fun. It was complete elation.

I sat up the entire night reading every single comment posted. It continued well into the next day, where my inbox was flooded with well wishers and messages from fans both new and old. It was all just completely overwhelming to the point where I had to make the conscious decision to get off the internet and stop being so obsessive.

After the initial positive response, there was suddenly a surge of mean comments from people. A couple of days after the episode aired, we started getting all sorts of criticism. People were singling me out for the most criticism, being the vocalist and lyricist. This is something I was expecting, as the frontman and singer, I know I'm going to be a lightning rod for haters. This coupled with the fact that my columns in the tribune have earned me a fresh batch of OBA-specific haters means I'm going to come in for a lot of flack. This culminated in our first Facebook hate page, where a bunch of people actually took the time out to create a facebook group called “WE HATE AUNTY DISCO PROJECT AND OBA”. Naturally my friends and the rest of the guys in the band found this absolutely hilarious and gleefully joined and started posting comments on it, confusing the shit out of the original members.

This of course is all balanced out by the people who loved my guitar playing, especially the solo I did in Sultanat. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this pleased me to no end. I've never been the kind of guitarist who aspires to be a virtuoso with long, epic, solos, complete with shredding and lightning fast runs. But I was particularly proud of the solo on Sultanat, since I don't really play big solos on the other songs. It was nice to be recognized for something other than the vocals. (Besides, who secretly doesn't want to be a guitar god?)

A couple of days after, I went through a minor phase of depression after Coke Studio where the constant reading of the comments began to take its emotional toll on me. Every positive comment means so much and every single negative comment would just ruin my day. I suppose when you come down from such a euphoric state, things come crashing down to reality pretty quick. I also felt slightly lost. It seemed like we had been building up to this big moment for the last 2 months, and now that it was over, I felt like...now what? During that time I also got message from Imran's mother telling us how proud she was of all of us and how she wished Imran could have been around with us. It got me really emotional, thinking about us 4 years ago, when Imran, Omar, Yasir and I first went in to record that song and how different things were. It was a beautiful gesture from Imran's mother and it meant a lot to me.

I left the country on a short business trip right around then and being removed from everything helped a great deal. By the time I got back, the fluctuation between the positive and the negative comments got balanced out and the critical response declared us to be a hit on Coke Studio.

Here's an article reviewing our episode.

That's all that anyone could ask for really. I was so proud of the boys and their hard work. I know all of them deserve all the praise they get because each one of them worked their asses off for this performance and truly gave it their all. I don't know whats next for us, but right now we're just going to sit back enjoy it all for a little while.

THE BIG ADP WEEKEND! LIVE IN KARACHI!

2010-07-01T11:28:00.000+05:00

So we're performing live AND appearing on Coke Studio this weekend!!!!

While I am aware that this poster makes us look like avid rapists, I'm hoping you guys will look past this and come to our shows this weekend. We're doing something highly ambitious and playing 2 nights in a row at the PACC Auditorium in Karachi, on Friday the 2nd and Saturday the 4th of July. Then of course Sunday July 4th at 10pm, we'll all be gathering around the tv set waiting for Coke Studio.

So please tell all your friends and family, we're really excited about this gig, we've got some new songs to debut, some new covers and as a special treat, we'll be playing the recorded versions of our album tracks, for the first time ever in public!

Also please check out our website www.getyourauntyon.com for more info...you could win stuff from BOSE

Behind The Scenes at Coke Studio

2010-06-28T00:44:00.001+05:00

Here's our behind-the-scenes footage from our performance on Coke Studio

Only a week left till our performance airs. I have to say looking at this footage I instantly went back to how amazing and wonderful the entire experience was. I'm so grateful that they had cameras rolling the entire time, because the whole thing went by in such a fantastic flash I was afraid I would forget how it felt. I'm not so worried about how the actual performance will turn out or what people will say. I know that the boys and I were part of a truly magical experience and in the end, thats the best anyone can hope for :)

You can check out the other behind-the scenes promos from the episode here

Also, I wanted to add that you guys have been really supportive and gracious in your comments. It means a lot. Thank you all.

The Countdown to Coke Studio Begins....

2010-06-24T12:00:00.001+05:00

Finally...after months of waiting....we're...gonna have to wait a little more...but we will be appearing on the next episode of Coke Studio that airs Sunday July 4th, 2010 at 10pm Pakistan time. Here's the promo!

Pretty exciting isn't it! We seem to be the only male artists on a girls night out...(with the exception of Arieb Azhar of course). It's pretty thrilling to be on the same program as Abida Parveen, Tina Sani, Sanam Marvi and Arieb. I'm really looking forward to Meesha's next performance, she seems to be the breakout star of this season's Coke Studio and rightly so, the few seconds of "Chori Chori" in the promo are spine-tingling...

The lead up has been excruciatingly nerve-wracking. I've been obsessively trolling comments on the Coke Studio facebook page and on youtube and twitter. I know it's bad for me but I can't help it. People have already started commenting on ADP without hearing a note we've played.

How are we going to do?

Honestly, it could go either way. Not a lot of people know who we are, so the good thing is there aren't too many pre-conceived opinions about us. People don't expect much from us. I think the extremely high expectations people had of the other artists featured in the previous two episodes led to some dissappointment and heavy critiquing. I ,for one, thought some of the reactions were pretty extreme. People expect to be wowed immediately upon viewing a song from Coke Studio, but these are the kind of songs that grow on you slowly. you have to download them and listen to them a couple of times before you get what they're all about. And of course you don't HAVE to like them. Everyone's got their own taste and opinions but the kind of fanatical comments I've been seeing on the internet are more than stupid. At the end of the day, it's really just music.

On the other hand, it's kind of touching to see how much Coke Studio means to so many people for them to be so extreme in their emotional reactions. I never really realized how massive the whole thing is. In many ways, its good that we Pakistanis can enjoy the luxury of debating on a musical program that has such mass appeal. It's the one thing everyone talks about the day after an episode airs. It's like cricket. It's bringing the nation together, invoking strong emotions and getting an opinion from almost everybody.

Which is why, it's slightly terrifying waiting for our episode to air. I've been advised to stay away from all media the day after it airs. But I know I won't be able to. I think our performance on the show was solid and had a lot of excitement, so at the very least I don't think it'll be boring. But I know it won't be for everyone. So far, the bands on Coke Studio, Karavan and EP have gotten the most criticism and so following that trend, we're next in line to get trashed. I'm bracing myself for that.

But for us and our fans, I think it's going to be something really special. We've put our heart and soul into this performance and I think it'll show. We've tried to be original and energetic and hopefully people will appreciate it.

So sit tight, there's only 10 days left......

Dude....

2010-06-15T11:31:00.002+05:00

As some of you know, I've been writing Op-Ed columns for The Express Tribune. Most of my articles have been, well pretty shitty by my standards. I feel like I've been playing it too safe, and a lot of the humor I'm trying to put across didn't get conveyed properly.My fellow writer Sami Shah feels that since I can't use the word "choot" in any of the articles, I've lost my writing ability. He may be on to something. Which is why I return to my choot blog.

So recently I wrote what I thought was a fairly innocuous article regarding "burgers". If you aren't familiar with the term, a "burger" is a mildly derogatory term for a person who is Pakistani but acts Western, i.e. listens to only western music, wears only western clothes, watches only English movies and speaks only in English, usually with a heavy American accent. Anything labelled "burger" in Pakistan is deemed to lack credibility because it/he/she is "out of touch' with the "masses" and "elitist". With the growth of the Internet and greater exposure average Pakistanis have to the world, this culture gap seems to be closing.

I realize that I would be a poster child for the so called "burger" section of society, and I have embraced this label. I thought it would be pretty funny to write an article from the point of view as a burger being part of a persecuted minority. Now as most of you smart people know, this is an obviously ridiculous premise. So I decided to have some fun with it mostly poking fun at myself and people I know.

Here's the article

As of the time of this writing, it now has 83 comments

Holy fucking shit. What is wrong with people?

You mean to tell me that my dumbass article about BURGERS AND MAILAS got 8 times more comments than Talat Hussain's FIRST HAND ACCOUNT OF BEING ON THE FLOTILLA where he GOT SHOT AT BY ISRAELI FUCKING COMMANDOS (I hereby will refer to Talat Hussain as "Flot-Zilla" from now on).

I sincerely thought I would get a couple of chuckles and the usual stupid comments from the readers who didn't get the joke. And sure it's the internet, people are born to be mean on it. But 83 comments? Its a tsunami of stupidity. Go ahead and read them, it'll make your head explode.

Sure I get some comments from people who appreciated the article for what it was, a light, brainless bit of fun. Sure some people just thought it was plain boring and stupid. Fair enough.
But MOST people decided it was the fucking coming of the Antichrist, accusing me of trying to incite class divide, being elitist, hating Pakistan, trying to keep the common man down, starting a war against Urdu etc.

Then there's people who claim to know me...."I used to think you were an OK guy OBA...until I read this article.....". What?? How did you think I was an OK guy? Because you read a bunch of dick jokes on my blog?

Then there's this gem

"the differenciation your trying to create is really making people like you not fit for this country,you are living in a bubble playing guitar in a studio or writing a blog sitting in your little box where you are unaware of the reality of 99.9999 percent"

Yes. Because real, patriotic musicians record music in a fucking wheat field using a water buffalo to do backing vocals. And yes, I stupidly write a blog in my little box, when I should be out, on the streets of Karachi with THE REAL PEOPLE dancing in my dhoti singing "Mein Bhi Pakistan Hoon" with my londa friends as we put our dicks in a plate of biryani.

I suppose I shouldn't complain because the article got a lot of traffic. But it's insane to see how people are getting so worked up over something as trivial as this. Yes I realize I'm a lightning rod for criticism (What?? A musician? Who thinks he's a writer? Well fuck him!!) but dude....?? People need to chill the fuck out.

Aunty Disco Project is on Coke Studio Season 3

2010-05-15T13:21:00.000+05:00

Ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks to all your love and support, one of our dreams came true.

We made it on to Coke Studio Season 3 :)

Just in case you needed proof :)

We've been sitting on the news for the last 3 months and its been driving us crazy that we couldn't tell anybody about it. But yesterday, the Coke Studio press conference was held, and the list of performers was announced. And there we were, up on the stage with the best of them. It was a truly magical and humbling experience. I'm going to blog about the whole thing in parts. But for now, just a big thank you to all our fans out there and their countless messages of love and support, and thanks for believing in us from the start.

Getting on to Coke Studio is a dream come true. I know how disappointed we were last year, but in retrospect, I'm glad we didn't get on the last season. We weren't ready then. I think we're ready now :)
The first episode is on June 6th 2010. I've seen and heard previews of this season. Let me tell you I'm not half as excited about our own performance as I am about everyone elses'.

I promise you, its going to be...incredible.

How Advertising Companies Killed our Music

2010-05-01T12:53:00.003+05:00

This is the second op-ed piece I wrote for The Express Tribune. Here it is in it's original, un-edited form.

Paid Airtime Killed the Radio Star

Let's see if this sounds familiar

You're driving in your car and listening to the radio. Doesn't matter what radio channel it is, pick any one. You hear a song that starts off with the trademark notes of a jingle, a jingle that is fairly well known because some company has made it their trademark. You listen to the song for awhile. It isn't a bad song. In fact it's quite catchy. It seems a little long but that's alright because it's pleasant and easy on the ears. The “song” is actually an advertisement for a company. Even though you know it's an advertisement, you bear with it because it's sung by your favorite artist and you're happy that he's finally getting paid.

A week passes. The same song repeats on the hour every hour. On every radio station. What was previously a mildly pleasant tune has now become monotonous and irritating. Despite your growing annoyance with the song you find yourself humming it in the car, at work and at home.

Another week passes. You dread the clock hitting the hour. Every time you're stuck in traffic the song interrupts your musical bliss and drives you into a murderous rage. You frantically try to switch channels but to your horror you discover the song is playing on all the channels.

Simultaneously.

You come home, rip your stereo out of the car and bash it against the pavement. Still, the song plays somewhere in the distance and you realize that it's coming on television as an advertisement.

On all the channels.

Simultaneously.

You go find an axe and/or a noose...

Companies have always been able to buy airtime for advertising, that's what drives our entire media industry. However, It's one thing to utilize airtime for advertising and another to hijack our entertainment. Corporations can now hire people to write entire songs, not just jingles that run anywhere between three to seven minutes long which is an eternity for an advertisement. Make no mistake, while they may be songs and they might sound catchy, they are still advertisements.

Sure you could argue that if you don't like something, turn it off or listen to something else. This is where the real diabolical stuff happens. The companies buy up airtime on all the popular channels and coordinate it so that the song plays on all your favorite channels at the same time so that you're forced to hear it or hear nothing.

There are several things occurring here that are severely damaging. For one, no matter how good a song is, if you play it on the hour, every hour, on every radio and TV station, people are going to hate it. Any artistic merit that the composition, or the vocal performance of the artist will be completely drowned out by the screams of the people who are forced to listen to this song everyday.

However, the greater damage is done to the music industry as a whole. Let me make it clear that I have no problem with musicians signing endorsement deals to promote companies or products. I do have a problem if that artist is promoted to the detriment of other artists. How does one artist compete for airtime when the other one can simply buy it? When a company pays a radio station to run the song of the artist it is sponsoring, we are forced to listen to whatever they want us to. We can't choose the content of our entertainment anymore. Other artists simply cannot compete on the basis of taste and merit. It become a simple, ruthless equation. If you can pay more, more people will hear you. Once that becomes the standard for our industry, rest assured a song will no longer be played because you or me want to hear it. It'll get played because a group of people in suits decided that is what you are going to hear.

I see no winners in this practice except the companies. They get their brand name out there and they achieve their goal. The artist who they promoted might be a little richer, but they will have suffered a major dent in their appeal simply because of overexposure. The biggest losers are of course the general public. We no longer have a say in the content of our entertainment. Our opinion will not decide who gets airplay and who doesn't. That's an industry I simply don't want to be a part of.

Some disturbing Google searches that led to my blog

2010-04-28T12:21:00.001+05:00

Everyday, my blog stats show what people googled to get to my blog. Most of them are pretty standard, some of them hilarious and every now and then you get some really disturbing ones. Here's a list of terms I came across JUST FOR TODAY

“aunties fucking”

Yup. Clearly there's a niche market who likes to see aunties getting it on.

“aunties fucking in lahore”

An even narrower niche market

“aunty sex”

These guys must be so dissappointed upon reaching here...."What!! What is this musician?? Where are aunty boobies??"

“story me and aunty together”

It promises to be a wonderful fairytale

“ali zafar naked”

The fans have spoken

“atif aslam naked”

Clearly they want variety

“atif aslam chootiya”

Such a fickle public....

And then of course my favourite...

“cock disco”

Speechless.

Anatomy of a Recording

2010-04-20T13:30:00.000+05:00

I thought it was time I filled you in on what ADP was doing, we've been pretty quiet for awhile, the live shows have taken a back seat to our recording efforts. Now as you recall, since we got dicked over by Mr. E (whose entire story I will reveal next post) and we were in a limbo. After much debating, we decided to go ahead and experiment with recording on our own.

(Forgive me if I get a bit too technical here, for the benefit of all the other musicians/techies out there I'll be listing names of the mics and techniques we're using.)

We set up camp at Rahails house, henceforth known as the Cathouse, simply because Rahail has three very large, very furry cats. (They shall henceforth be known as Fat Cat, Black Cat and White Cat. Will post pictures soon).
The biggest hurdle we were going to have to overcome was recording drums live. These days it is common practice to have a microphone set up on every part of the drum, i.e., one for each snare/tom and then two overheard condensor mics to catch the "room sound". With our soundcard and mixer, we were only able to use four microphones, so we recorded using the "Glyn Johns" method of drums. I was pretty pleased about this, since this was the way my drumming heroes John Bonham from Led Zep and Keith Moon from The Who had recorded. Basically we set up a Shure SM57 microphone on the snare, a Shure Beta52A on the kick drum and then we set up two condensor microphones as overheads. (One Audio Technica AT2020, and one Studio Project mic). The result was a drum sound that sounded very large and roomy, and very live, but probably not as precise as a modern recording.

Rahail and I spent a day figuring out the best positions of the microphones and then we had Giles come in and test it. We were pretty elated by the results, it also helped the Giles is a fantastic drummer who plays every part of the kit loud and consistent. Working things out on your own in a studio can be really frustrating but the rewards are sweet when an idea or experiment pays off and we wouldnt have had that kind of freedom or been able to afford that kind of time in a pro studio.

We all settled into our roles as producers in a couple of days, with Rahail manning the controls at the computer, myself figuring out the microphone positions and recording setups and Ali coming in with the overall inputs on sound.
The first song we attempted was "Hum Na Rahey" because it was one of the more straightforward beats. I first laid down a scratch vocal and scratch rhythm guitar along to a click track. Giles then played the drums along to these tracks and then we re-did all the guitars on top of him.

This is where the hard part of recording live drums comes in. Giles is a fantastic drummer, more pro than any of us, but even he had tiny ups and down in the rhythm, even though he was playing to a metronome. Now this is barely noticeable when we play live but when you have to record over a live track, you end up having to match those same dips in timing that the drums have played.

This made tracking the guitars a nerve racking experience. I think we all agreed that recording electric guitar is the hardest , and least fun part of the recording process. Electric guitars are by nature pretty noisy, or at least they're supposed to be in a good loud rock song. I went into the process thinking I could simply replicate what I play live in the studio, but as we discovered, that's simply not the case. One can get away with play a noisy distorted guitar live, but in the studio, you really have to be clear with your parts and make sure they are melodic and fit the song. You can't simply strum barre chords along with the rhythm, the rhythm playing has to be extremely precise and at the mercy of several decisions. Should I play open chords or barre chords? Do I play up-strokes or down strokes? And then of course there is tone.

The hardest thing is to translate the guitar tone that you are hearing in your head into what you are hearing in the recording. I spent hours trying to get the "tone" right. It doesn't help that with the electric you have such a wide variety of gadgets available to alter the sound, and everything makes a difference. You have to tweak the distortion level, the amp volume, the trebles, mids and bass and then decide if you want effects like delay and reverb or chorus and phaser. Then you have to tweak the individual settings of all the effects. Even then at the end of the day, you're still never completely sure of the tone. While I had an easier time setting my own guitar tone, it was harder for me to set it for Ali since I had to get what was in his head out onto the amp. This is where our nerves got shot and our patience tested as each band member has their own ideas on how to solve things. You get there eventually, but its a real test.

To record the guitar, we went through a Line 6 POD X3 console and then went into a Marshall AVT100 amplifier. I had to fight Ali and Rahail on this, they were briefly in favor of simply recording directly from the POD. I feel that a loud amplifier just sounds more natural and aggressive. You can't just capture the signal coming from the guitar, you have to capture the "air" and that just makes the guitar sound warm and alive. Eventually we ended up using the amp, and I think everyone was happier for it. We recorded using two microphones, a Shure SM57 right up against the amp grille and the AT2020 condensor about 3 feet away to capture the ambient sound.

Within a couple of weeks we had laid down the tracks for "Hum Na Rahey", "Likhta Nahin Mein" and a new version of "Sultanat". The other two tracks went by fairly quickly compared to "Hum Na Rahey", I guess we got better at recording more efficiently. But the entire process is an emotional rollercoaster. Here are the stages I went through pretty much with every song.

1) Record drums. Feel pretty good about song.
2) Listen to drums next day. Conclude drums are shitty. Hate song.
3) Come back to fix drums. Feel pretty good. Like song.
4) Record guitars. Spend hours on figuring out guitar tone. Hate song.
5) Record more guitars. Think song is becoming shittier. Despise song.
6) Rahail sends render of all work on song so far. Think song is not so bad.
7) Rahail records bass on his own. Song begins to sound pretty good.
8) Record vocals. Song sounds amazing.
9) Listen to recording for week. Song sounds increasingly better for first 3 days. Then starts to suck.
10) You start hearing tiny mistakes and glitches in the song that make you want to stab yourself. Hate song again.

They say most bands break-up over money or recording. I don't think we ever came close to breaking up but we've definitely had some tense moments. Recording can be especially soul crushing. You consider yourself a decent musician, and you've played these songs a thousand times before. Yet when that little red light goes on, you find yourself trying to play a simple guitar part over and over again just to get it right. After a while, your ears fatigue and you cant tell whether anything is good or bad anymore. You simply have to go on the word of your band members and your own faith. Opinions clash, people get frustrated and it become a matter of trying to keep everyone's spirits up and making sure everyone keeps their eye on the prize. But for the most part, Rahail, Ali and I were on the same page, and I had new respect for the other guys. Both of them came up with some pretty smart solutions and inspired musical ideas. Once we started trusting each other and were able to put our egos aside things started happening much more efficiently. The best bits would be when we tried something out, like a new guitar part or an effect and it worked in the song. These rare moments were truly rewarding, and kept us going.

Having said that, I think we've done a fairly good job so far. We're definitely getting better at it. I can't say when we'll have these tracks out, I don't think it will be any time soon, but I'd like to give myself till before June as a personal deadline. Till then stay tuned guys, I'm really excited about this work, I hope it'll be worth the wait for everyone.

Imran and I

2010-04-15T13:07:00.001+05:00

I wrote the first part of this a couple of days after Imran's passing. I wrote the next part a few days ago. Writing about Imran has been the most difficult thing I have had to do. But I felt I couldn't move on to anything else until I did.

In the days since his death, I have been searching for the words, looking for a place to start. Every time I formulate something in my mind, or I try to clear the mist, it seems woefully inadequate. There seems to be nothing in the spaces except grief, heartbreak and shock. I cannot think of him without the tears. Even though the time Imran and I spent together were some of the best moments of my life, it is hard to remember them in the face of the hurt, and the deafening finality of his departure from this world.

I keep replaying the day in my head. The phone call on the way to work from Yasir telling me Imran had taken his own life. The complete shock and incomprehension. The deluge of phone calls and messages of people wanting to know what happened, why it happened. The sickness and the nausea of telling everyone again and again and having to confirm something I still hadn't come to terms with myself. I didn't have the answers then and I don't have the answers now.

Yasir and me left work and spent the day together. We needed each other. We needed OK too, but he was far away in the US, on his own. We needed to have the original four together, to talk our way through, to make sense of what had happened. When you lose someone, sometimes it doesn't hit you immediately. It's almost like an out of body experience, like it's happening to someone else. Then slowly it begins to grip you, little by little, like cracks in a dam. It only takes one memory , one word or one image to set off the flood. When Imran's brother embraced me and told me how much Imran loved us. I couldn't hold back any longer. I cried and cried, shaking with the violent, overwhelming force of my own grief. The waves of pain, hurt and heartbreak crashed against me until I was choking on my own tears.

We loved Imran too. More than he or anybody else would ever know.

I had always known of Imran Lodhi. Back when I was in high school I had a band called Caesars Dog. It was my very first band, and we fancied ourselves as being pretty good, we used to call ourselves the best band in Karachi Grammar School. But people would come up to us and say, "You guys haven't heard of this band called "Undertow", they have this awesome lead singer/guitarist, Imran Lodhi, you should check them out!". (Undertow included such future talent as Kashan Admani, who later became Mizmaars guitarist and Adnan Hussain, the drummer for Aaroh.). Naturally I hated them without hearing them play a note. My competitive nature wouldn't allow me to publicly acknowledge the talent of any other lead singer/guitarist. But secretly I hoped to attend one of their shows one day just to see who these chaps were and were they really as good at covering Led Zeppelin as I heard they were?

Six years passed, I went to college abroad, graduated, worked for a year and then I came back to Pakistan. I was looking to form a band. OK and I had already met and done a couple of shows together with different people. It was at one of these performances where I finally met the guys who would be my future bandmates. OK and I were performing at an Open-Mic Night at this dingy little cafe called Caffeine. I don't remember it being a particularly great show. But nevertheless, we were approached afterwards by a tall burly looking chap who talked a lot, a small quiet guy who I thought couldn't have been more than 16 years old, and a tall lanky fellow who was always smiling.

I had met Khawar, Yasir and Imran.

They told me they had formed an independent record label called Infinite Arts where they were looking to release, record and organize concerts for underground artists. I was pretty excited about meeting them and we promised to meet up later. One thing led to another and they ended up coming over to my place to jam. That's how it started.

It all began by me blowing up Lodhi's amplifier. In my over-eagerness I had taken his 15W Fender amp and plugged it into a 220V socket without its 110V convertor. It promptly blew a fuse. I was mortified, what a horrible way to start a relationship. To his credit, Lodhi was forgiving and immediately I had it repaired.

Imran and I hit it off almost immediately. Of course anyone who knew us will tell you that we were polar opposites as personalities. Imran was a musicians musician, technically proficient, but with an uncanny knack of playing with real feeling and emotion. He was incredible as a guitarist, he could switch between playing orthodox scales to fusing eastern and western melodies with ease. When he played me his songs, I was instantly jealous and in awe. His melodies were so complex, and his arrangements so well crafted. I felt like a rank amateur in front of him. Yet I was giddy with excitement. The first song we jammed together was “Is Tanhai Ko”. We figured out the chords and I picked up the bass. I remember the room instantly exploding, with OK counting in the beat and all of us coming together to form that pounding yet delicate rhythm. It was incredible. When we stopped there were goofy smiles all around. We knew we had something. I knew I had been looking for Imran, and now I had found him, I knew it was going to be special.

Imran and I would spend hours together working on the songs. Before jam sessions, he would arrive early and him and I would sit across each other and construct the songs. So many songs came together like that, Imran would bring in the bare bones of the melody and lyrics and I would arrange the rhythm, tempos and breaks. We learned how to communicate without words, learning how to anticipate what the other wanted. It was one of the most creatively rewarding times of my life. Within a week we had come up with songs like “Such”, “Shehar kay Aansoo”, “Vaadey” and “Dhoop”. Sometimes I would have the bulk of the song and Imran would come up with a middle section, and sometimes I would have a cool bridge or intro and Imran would figure a way to put it in his song. Before we knew it we had an albums worth of songs. I couldn't believe how naturally and organically it came about. We were so confident, even then that we knew we had to go into a studio and record them all, even though it strategically didn't make sense for a new band.

He taught me so much musically. Before Imran, I had never known how to do a vocal harmony. I still find it difficult to do. Imran was a natural at it, he would effortlessly harmonize a vocal line to whatever I was singing while I looked on in awe. I was heavily influenced by his lyrics. But most of all Imran taught me to believe in my work, to believe in performing my originals.

Imran was responsible for much of ADP's vision. It was Imran who forced us to play our original songs in concert. It was Imran who forced us to record quickly and put the songs out. Without him, we never would have had the confidence or the self belief to play our originals for a public who had never heard of us before. We would have been playing covers, like most underground bands. But it was Imran's thinking that set us apart. All he wanted to do was put out music, all the time, as quickly as possible.

That's where him and I started to disagree. I wanted to be deliberate, pace the release of our songs, work on them till perfection, but this frustrated Imrans vision of what an artist should be. While we butted heads many times over the external issues of being in a band, we never argued musically, and when we took the stage together, the four of us began to create fantastic chemistry that set our live shows apart from the other bands.

Playing with Imran back in those days was one of the best periods of my life. Sure we were this little underground band that nobody heard of. Sure our album was raw and under produced. But it was us against the world. Imran and I, being the two vocalists copped the brunt of the criticism, and it brought us even closer together. It was us against the rest of them. For us, ADP was almost like a gang rather than a band. The four of us were inseparable. We were ready to take on anybody, and we played live wherever we got the chance, whether it was opening for major acts, or small undergound shows, from hostile crowds in cafes to weddings in peoples houses.

That's when I really got to know Imran. Him and I would often pair up, driving to and from gigs. We'd have long, crazy conversations about life, love and music. He was a sensitive gentle guy, someone who wore his emotions on his sleeve. He was passionate about music, and I mean really passionate, not like how most musicians claim to be. He loved music for all the right reasons. It moved him. It made him giddy with happiness. He was completely at ease moving to a beat or breaking into a song when something came in his head. He spoke lovingly about the albums that influenced him and the musicians he wanted to emulate. I never tired of talking to him about music. He was also a hopeless romantic, more so than I was. I loved that about him. I loved that he could be so vulnerable in his songs. He used to be really shy about singing “Gaata Mein Chaloon” because it was an unabashed love song. But to me, it was his best song, and I kept pushing him to perform it.

Imran was an inspiration to countless underground musicians. He always had time for the kids who would work up the nerve to talk to us after a concert. They loved talking to Imran, he was the friendliest and most approachable guy in the band. He represented them. He was the living embodiment of a guy who could write commercial music and still have “underground' credibility. They wanted to be him. Imran went to great lengths to promote his underground buddies. Every Thursday he set up jam sessions at the Basement Cafe, where we hung out. The scene started off great, with musicians from all over Karachi meeting up and jamming together. It began to irritate me after awhile, I just wanted to make music with my own band and not jam with people I considered sub-standard musicians. But Imran had time for everyone. He never berated or put down anyone. He had the wonderful, albeit naive quality of always finding the best in people. He was a wonderful, encouraging, nurturing force and many underground musicians today owe Imran for getting them a start.

Things changed over the years with ADP, Imran and I were drifting apart over a series of disagreements over the direction of the band. The sad part is most of is was outside, irrelevant stuff now that I look back on it. All of it was trivial when it came to the music. Imran and I were always able to put aside our differences when it came to the songs. He had matured as a songwriter, and the new material he was writing for ADP was exciting for all of us.

We all knew Imran would be leaving for Canada to finish his degree. It wasn't confirmed, but there was a possibility that it could happen. When Imran confirmed the news, we knew it was going to be the end of ADP as it had been. It was a sad end, but we had all mentally prepared ourselves. We performed our last show together at the Ultralounge, in front of some close friends and fans. That night, I said goodbye to Imran, bid him a safe trip, confident that I'd be jamming again with him again one day. He pulled me in for a long, emotional embrace. Imran wasn't self conscious when it came to hugs.

That night, would be the last time I saw him.

If only I had known that would be the last time. But it was.

The other night, we paid tribute to Imran and his songs at the Second Floor. His family and all his close friends were there. We laughed, we cried but most of all we celebrated the wonderful songs Imran had given us and all the joy we shared with him. It helped, in some small way for all of us who had been grieving. I know he would have enjoyed it. Heck I think he was there. I could have sworn I heard him attempting a vocal harmony, as I sang “Gaata Mein Chaloon”. I know he would have got it right in the first go.

Goodbye my brother. I'm going to miss you.

Imran Lodhi

2010-03-08T11:35:00.000+05:00

My bandmate, my brother, my companion, Imran Lodhi, the founding member of ADP passed away last night in Canada.

I currently don't have the words to express the shock, the grief and complete heartbreak. I did not think I would have to write a eulogy for another friend so soon.

Please pray for his family and remember Imran in your thoughts and prayers.

Josh Naal Paa Bhangra

2010-02-24T12:13:00.000+05:00

So we opened for JoSH this past weekend....

The show was at Royal Rodale, which is thankfully pretty close to where I live, so I was relieved that it wasn't a major trek. The boys and I were pretty pumped about the show, Yasir and Rahail got to my place early and even managed to squeeze in a game of cricket that got far too sweaty. Well basically it was Yasir and me playing while Rahail and Aamir sat on the side and made hurtful comments.

The problem with having a gig closeby is that you tend to relax about the things you carry, when we finally got to the venue, we realized we were missing a bunch of things. Luckily Ali Alam was able to get them. He had yet to arrive because he travels separately... on a white horse... flanked by nubile women...with palm leaves...feeding him Skittles.

The stage setup looked fantastic, it was about 10 feet high surrounded by this massive iron rig. Ishtiaq Bhai of Shadab Sound was doing our sound today, it was the first time I had worked with him, we had been going with Audiolink for the longest time, so I was looking forward to the change. The soundcheck was pretty painless and it sounded really good, so we were really enthused about performing.

However, there was a really strange vibe going around. We were getting stared at like we were aliens. I think we were generally a little put off because the Royal Rodale management and their security people were being dickish. We kept walking up and down, transporting our things and we walked through the check points enough times for them to know who we were. And we got stopped at every point along the way with people asking us if we had a ticket or a pass. Now we're not the kind of band that makes a big deal out of things like this, its fine if people don't know who we are. But unless you have employed a bunch of goldfish as your security, you'd think that they would remember us from the 5 times we passed by them. I know we're not the most famous band in Pakistan but it seems to me, that if you paid us money to come perform at your concert, you'd know who the fuck we were.

As performers, we had the privelege of getting 10 free tickets for the entire band to give out, while it wasn't a lot, we didn't ask for anymore. I took our guest list down to the ticketing counter and tried to explain to the ticketing guys that they needed to let those people in. I was confronted by the 'head organizer' who fixed me with a "who the fuck are you" glare, clearly meant to intimidate. I calmly tried to explain that I was Omar from ADP and I had a guest list that needed to be taken care of. He in turn glared back and claimed that the guest list hadn't been discussed with him. I said that my manager had spoken to the organizers and they said it was fine. A tense standoff happened before he finally said fine. By this time I was seething.

The guys started getting irritated as this needless harassment. Things got ugly when we walked out of the gate holding water bottles that the organizers had provided us. The guards saw us walking out with those bottles. When we tried to re-enter, they informed us we couldn't bring the bottles back in. No amount of reasoning could convince them that these were in fact water bottles that came from Royal Rodale. Again, I chose to tell the guys to chill out, and ignore it, but we were all just livid.

The opening act 90 Degrees were performing, we got a couple of their songs. We knew that the crowd hadn't really arrived yet, so we decided to go back to my place where we could relax for awhile and I could change into my sexy performance clothes.

The moment we got to my place, the organizers started calling us back, telling us the concert had a midnight deadline and we needed to get on stage now. I was afraid that this was going to happen, which is why I was glad that we weren't there, being subjected to needless pressure. We told them to wait, we'd be there in ten minutes. I was trying really hard to not let the bad vibes get to the guys, I think it helped that we were all together in once car, so we kept our spirits up.

Once we got in, there was a pretty sizeable crowd and there was an RJ on stage trying to buy time because Aunty Disco Project were late. I didn't see what the massive fuss was, we had barely been gone for 15 minutes and we were going to start the show at 9:40, which was a pretty decent time to start.

We took the stage and I was amused by a row of extremely buff bouncers at the foot of the stage dressed in fatigues ( no jokes!) and combat boots. It looked like the A-Team was the night's security. They were doing their best to intimidate the front row which mostly consisted of screaming teenage girls. I asked the crowd to come closer and not be afraid of the bouncer guys and cracked a few jokes at their expense. Judging by the look that one of the dudes gave me, I was pretty sure that he was going to rape me after the show.

We started with Sultanat, and the crowd surged forward and started cheering and headbanging. It was magnificent! everyone knew the words and were singing along and it warmed my heart to see boys and girls dancing and just genuinely enjoying themselves. We played all original material for the first time, including our new versions of "Likhta Nahin Mein" and "Raat Jaagi". "Nazar" was a crowd favourite and we also played "Jaaney Vaaley', one of the newer tracks. We were all set to perform 4 more songs when we were told by the organizers to cut our set short. I was in no mood to fight especially since we were having such a good time on stage, so we just went straight into "Hum Na Rahey' and "Mujhey Sahara Do" as a finale.

We got off the stage to thunderous applause and people asking for more, I knew the set had been too short but at least we put on a good show, and thats all you can really ask for.

We briefly met JoSH backstage while we were left the stage. They seemed nice and really polite. Before he got on, Q turned to Yasir and asked "Crowd mein bachiyaan bhee hain, yaa sirf launday?" (Are there any chicks in the crowd or are there just desperate dudes?). I was most amused.

As we went downstairs to put our equipment away, we had mixed emotions about the show. Our performance itself was great but just the general atmosphere had been kinda hostile. Rahail and Giles left immediately, Ali, Yasir and I decided to stick around for JoSH.

While we were coming back up, security decided to stop us again and this time I lost my temper and accused the guards of simply trying to humiliate us. People were watching so I went upstairs without causing too much of a scene, but still seething....I went back down when I was leaving and decided to give them a peace of my mind. I started off trying to politely reason with the Royal Rodale management, but they seemed to be on some massive power trip and started yelling back at me. That was when I lost it a second time and I accused them of getting their kicks stopping and harassing people for no reason. I've tried to have a really clean record when dealing with people and the last thing I want to be accused of is diva-esque behaviour. But this was beyond what I could handle and I caused a scene. My friends stepped in to defuse the situation and then I finally left after an admittedly self righteous rant about Pakistan and our society and how we lack common decency (heck I don't even know what I was on about, I'd like to think I was quite eloquent)

I have to say I was a little dissappointed by the fact that JoSH were relying on pre-recorded backing tracks while singing live for the concert. I suppose it makes logistical sense since they're coming from Canada and probably dont have time to rehearse with a live band. But it just tones down the live energy of a show. Anyway, the songs were good, and the crowd seemed to be enjoying themselves which is always good to see. JoSH finished at around 11:20, well before midnight, so telling us to cut our setlist short for them was basically a load of shit.

It was a day that should have been great for us, but all the hostility and gotten to us and we were exhausted by the constant defensive mentality we had to keep up. But on the plus side, the concert was well organized, without technical issues and the organizers got it right for the most part. Somethings could have been handled better, but at least our crowd enjoyed the show and I'd like to think we gave them their moneys worth.

Aaah well, till the next time then...

We're performing with JoSH

2010-02-18T10:49:00.000+05:00

Yuppp....we're performing live along with the Canadian bhangra-pop duo Josh this Saturday the 20th at Royal Rodale. It's our first gig of the year, we're really pumped and excited about it, and from what we can tell, the Karachi public is too. There's been a real lack of live concerts in the country so anything that happens is a highly anticipated event. We haven't played live since November of last year, at the Shanaakht Festival, so we're just itching to get back on stage.

It does seem like a slightly odd pairing though, a bhangra band with a rock band? I'm hoping the crowd won't destroy us in a fit of violent bhangra. I'm really looking forward to meeting Qurram and Roop from Josh. I'm a big fan, so I'll be working on my opening lines. (I feel there's a Roop/Poop joke in there somewhere.)

Be there, it's going to be epic.

Attack of the Aunties

2010-02-13T14:06:00.001+05:00

I recently became victim of something I only thought happened to girls in Pakistan. No I wasn't leered at by strangers while out shopping and no one tried to grab my bum in Sunday Bazaar, (well not recently anyway).

I was GOSSIPPED about by Aunties.

Now while my female friends have alway complained and warned me about this very desi phenomenon, you never realize how hilarious and gross it is until it happens to you.

So my parents have been quietly worrying about the fact that I need to ~~get laid soon~~ find a wife. Let me make it clear, they're not the pressuring sort, they simply wanted to plant the idea in my mind that I should stop dating whores and try to settle down. Fair enough. Anyway, I didn't really give it too much thought, but things were happening behind the scenes. Some aunty introduced my mum to some other aunty at some social event in the hopes that they would like each other and do the obvious thing and bind their offspring in holy matrimony. So the aunty met my mom, and checked out my stats on paper, and wanted to "take things further". My mum didn't really pursue the matter, given that I didn't know about it, and probably would have thrown a shit fit.

Fast forward a couple of months, the same aunty runs into the aunty who introduced them and is hysterical. Apparently she had run a background check on me and was horrified at my "tight pants", "long hair", "sleeveless shirt", "rock singing" and "dancing with girls".
Clearly she was looking for a boy with "loose pants", "short hair", "full sleeve shirt", "ghazal singing" and "dances with boys".

I guess she had heard about my performance in "Mamma Mia" or maybe she'd seen me on TV or heck maybe she read this blog. Either way she then launched into a rant about how glad she was that she found out that I was the destroyer of all civilization and how lucky she was that her daughter didn't meet me.

Now when I heard this story, I thought it was hilarious. Obviously. But the comment I heard next really got me. The aunty said:

"How can his parents be so nice and he turns out like this?"

Now it's one thing to gossip about me, or criticize me. I accept that I'm going to be under public scrutiny having chosen to be a entertainer. Most of the time one has a pretty thick skin about these things. But this was the first time anyone had brought my parents into it. It was a horrible feeling, It had never once occurred to me that my parents might have to suffer from embarassment because of me.

My parent have been pillars of strength for me and I have never once done anything without their whole hearted support. Hearing this story angered me and I ranted back at my mom telling her that we shouldn't even be socializing with idiot people like that. What she told me next was something I had never even thought about. She told me that I have to be prepared to hear comments like that about my family, because once you are an entertainer, people feel like they can talk about you without fear of judgment or consequence. We cease to be people. She told me that any girl I marry eventually will have to be someone who can cope with this. It's a sobering thought.

Up until now, I always thought my band and I were underground performers, known to some people in the entertainment industry and a few media personality, but not really known to ordinary people. But the fact is that more people know about us than I thought, whether it's through the internet or simply just talk. I'm not famous, but I am becoming.."known"

For people in my families social circles, it's almost unheard of that someone they know should be involved in the entertainment industry. Especially someone like me, who went to Karachi Grammar School and went to college in the US. They would imagine I would be doing something more respectable than being an entertainer.

Sadly this is a cultural phenomenon. This ambivalence towards the entertainment industry is crippling. On one hand you can acheive fame and fortune. They'll even call you a legend like "Madam" Noor Jehan. But behind your back, they'll refer to you as a marasi, a street performer, basically a whore.

I contemplated toning down my online presence after this. I even toyed with the idea of shutting down the blog because lets face it, the first thing that comes up when you google me is this blog and a post entitled "Kanye West: Chootia". I realize writing up here without anonymity is not without consequence.

Then again...fuck it. This is fun.

Rahail and I discuss "Marley & Me"

2010-02-11T13:33:00.004+05:00

An MSN Chat conversation Rahail and I had the other day about the popular film "Marley and Me".

Rahail is "Stonehenge!"

WARNING: Heavy profanity to follow.

Stonehenge! says:

cats are fucking AWESOME
i saw marley and me
i got bored

Omar says:
WHAT

Stonehenge! says:
and annoyed by all the constant.. attention seeking
of the dog

Omar says:
i cried my ovaries out

Stonehenge! says:
you would , wouldnt you

Omar says:
that dog was a hero

Stonehenge! says:
fuck you and fuck dogs
HERO!@?!?!
it didnt do shit
it may have seen jennifer aniston naked
for which i salute him

Omar says:
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
fuck you man
he stayed awake because the baby was sick
he woke the dude up when there was a burglary
he took care of jennifer aniston when she lost the baby
so fuck you rahail

Stonehenge! says:
he also kept them awake ALL THE TIME
so no different

Omar says:
your cats fucking locked you out of your own house

Stonehenge! says:
he attacked mailmen
shat on the beach
drove the housesitter nuts

Omar says:
hardly a position of moral superiority

Stonehenge! says:
and died
at an inappropriate time
the dog would lock HIMSELF out on the roof

Omar says:
he died at the perfect time you heartless bastard

Stonehenge! says:
perfect?!?!?!?!

Omar says:
yes

Stonehenge! says:
you mean the end of the movie?
oh yeah

Omar says:
after he had served his duty

Stonehenge! says:

it was a FUCKING MOVIE

the dog was played by 22 dogs

so theyre disposable?

' we have enough kids now , go die dog'

fuck dogs and fuck you

Omar says:
no man. I disagree strongly
i say fuck you
instead

Stonehenge! says:
it didnt even die awesomely
no
it just dropped dead
the bitch had to have drugs put in
to die
THEY KILLED HIM
HA
FUCK DOGS

Omar says:
how would you prefer it

Stonehenge! says:
walked on a landmine

Omar says:
if he fucking armed himself and died in a blaze of glory

Stonehenge! says:
yes
YES !
that would be awesome!

Omar says:
shooting at the fuckin Cambodian army

Stonehenge! says:
the nazis
at the end of the film

Omar says:
yes

Stonehenge! says:
they wind up in germany , 1944

Omar says:
marley goes on a murderous rampage
and rapes hitler

Stonehenge! says:
that wouldve been the best fucking film ever!
no
fucks hitlers dog
goldie
then fucks hitler

Omar says:
and then dies
having fucked himself to death
upon which he is given a heroes burial

Stonehenge! says:

yes
winston churchill himself presides
who was a cat person btw

Reasons why Shahid Afridi bit the ball

2010-02-01T13:37:00.001+05:00

Shahid Afridi decided to bite the ball during Pakistan's last one-day match against Australia. He has been accused of ball-tampering.

I for one, do not believe the allegations. Here I provide several reasons, which provide an alternative explanation for his actions.

1. Afridi was hungry.

Fed up with his limited eating options in non-halal Australia, Afridi was driven mad with hunger. He started hallucinating on the cricket field and when he was handed the cricket ball, he thought it was an apple laced with heroin and bit into it. Now most of us would probably have shattered our front teeth and realized that we weren't eating a apple laced with heroin. But since Boom Boom Afridi is awesome he probably bit a massive chunk out of it, chewed it, digested it and shit out an AK-47 and a pellet of naswar.

2. Afridi was showing aggression.

What could be more terrifying than seeing a member of the opposition act like he is going to savagely devour your testicles? Clearly a calculated move on Afridi's part. The Aussies must have collectively shit their pants when they saw Boom Boom gnawing away at that cricket ball like a deranged beaver. We might have even won the match if Afridi had started chewing on a bat handle...

3. Afridi was horny.

In an effort to show that he was ready for mating, Afridi had to send out some signals. Here were his options:

Masturbate furiously in the middle of the pitch
Prove his virility by forcibly boning Peter Siddle. (mostly so he could make a rhyme about how he was able to “diddle Siddle”)
Thump his chest and take a shit near the boundary.
Bite a cricket ball to show his hunger for producing offspring.

Luckily for all of us, (and for Peter Siddle) he chose option 4.

4. Afridi is awesome.

Biting a cricket ball is merely the latest in a long list of awesome things Afridi has accomplished. A copy of his itinerary was found in the Pakistan teams dressing room yesterday. Here it is.

7:00 AM: Wake up, kick bitches out of room.

8:00 AM: Give team pep-talk. Threaten sodomy.

8:30 AM: Record new version of Nazia Hassan hit “Boom Boom”. Add “...will fuck you” to lyrics.

9:00 AM: Lead small Pathan village to revolution

10:00 AM: Audition for next Die Hard movie.

11:00 AM: Acknowledge awesomeness and laugh.

12:00 AM: Lunch: Find weakest member of Aussie Team and eat him.

1:00 PM: Start match. Go to Australian dressing room, rub testicles on all their gear.

2:00 PM: Score match winning 2 off one ball.

3:00 PM: Bite cricket ball

7:00PM: Find bitches.

5. Afridi is batshit fucking insane

How has this never occurred to anybody?

That's how Afridi rolls. He's unpredictable. He's loco. Insane in the membrane. Does he even know he's playing cricket? For all we know Boom Boom has no idea what the fuck he's doing in the middle of a stadium with 7,000 screaming fans. Heck he probably has no idea who the fuck Boom Boom is. Can you imagine the confusion? The poor terrified Afridi just wanted all those white people to stop yelling and that other white dude to stop hitting that fucking ball towards him all day. To make it stop, he picked up the ball and bit the fuck out of it. He was merely registering a legitimate, but ultimately, batshit-fucking-insane protest.

Giles is batshit-fucking insane

2010-01-25T14:22:00.000+05:00

I've been playing music in bands since I was 16. I've grown up jamming with all sorts of people from similar to varied backgrounds. The most memorable bits of the journey have always been the personalities of the people I'm playing music with.

When you join a band, you become part of a fraternity, a gang, you are forced to spend time with people you wouldn't normally find in your social circle. Sometimes the only thing you have in common with them is music. During this time, you will discover that most people who join a band are by normal standards, pretty fucking insane.

This is not always a bad thing. Rock'n'roll history is littered with examples of famously insane but outrageously talented musicians like Keith Moon, Syd Barrett and Keith Richards. Who doesn't love a good character?

What has been scary for me, is seeing people, who I consider to be fairly normal by all accounts, slowly unravel. I see their facade of mental health crumble, bit by bit, slowly revealing glimpses of their thorough insanity.

Take for example, the newest member of our band, our drummer Giles. By all accounts, Giles appears to be a fairly normal guy. He's jovial, really polite and gets along with everyone. He's genuinely making an effort to fit in with the boys. I really like Giles.

But I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer.

Take for e.g. the following 100% REAL SMS exchange I had with him the other day.

Me: Guys we're having band practice today at 7:30, see u there

Giles: Do u want me to get u nething like cheese or glass or may b some wood?

Me: Huh? What the fuck?

Giles: Don't u know wood is become a drink now.

I have gone over this conversation many times. I confronted Giles about it. He laughed. He claims that there is a soft drink out there called "Wood", which is what he was offering me. If in fact, there is a soft drink called "Wood" out there please, loyal blog followers, inform me.

I have also tried to hypothesize the many scenarious where this conversation might look to be less insane. I started thinking, "Well I do like cheese, most people do, so maybe he was just offering me some of his cheese". This is pretty random, but not entirely insane. Maybe there actually IS a soft drink called "Wood". And maybe he was offering me a glass. So that I could drink this delightfully named beverage. If you consider each of these things in isolation, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But as I mentioned earlier, when I gave him the chance to explain himself, all he did was laugh. It wasn't just a normal laugh. It was the laugh of a fat kid who had found the cake.

I''m willing to put up with this for now, because he's a damn fine drummer. But I feel it's only a matter of time before Giles shows up to practice dressed in a panda suit, takes a shit inside his bass drum and then murders us all.

Asim Butt, 1978 - 2010

2010-01-20T10:48:00.000+05:00

My friend Asim passed away on Friday.

People will remember Asim as one of the great minds of his generation. They will remember him as a great artist. They will remember him as a rebel, a true believer in the power of struggle. They will remember him for the many incredible things he did and the incredible body of work he left behind.

I will remember him as all these things as well. But most of all I will remember the warmth Asim radiated. I will remember the affection I felt in his presence. And most of all I will remember his stature. I was in awe of Asim for all these things.

Asim's younger brother Ahsan is a close friend of mine from college. I got to know Asim through him. The first time I met Asim was at a friends house, at a dinner. Upon being introduced to him, I blurted out how much he resembled Ahsan. Asim took mock offense and reminded me that Ahsan was the one who resembled HIM. We had a long conversation that night, he found out I was a musician and we talked about bands and performance and art. I didn't know too many artists at that time. I had a stereotype of them as being quirky stoners who were airheaded, overly obsessed with emotions and frankly I thought most of them were pretentious.

But Asim wasn't a typical artist. He had a fierce intellect, he was incredibly self aware and he had an opinion about everything. Not just an opinion gleaned from conventional thinking, but well thought out, well articulated opinions that put me, for once at the listening end of a conversation. I thought Asim was simply humouring me because I was his brothers friend. But I think he sensed that he had broken down a lot of preconceived ideas I had about art and artists. I remember him inviting me to come by his studio, I was touched by his invitation, I didn't think artists like to share their space and I made a mental note to take him up on his invitation.

I had no idea at the time that I was speaking to such an outrageously gifted man. I had never seen his art, until I went to his first exhibition called "Tableaux Noirs" at Zenaini. In fact that was the first art exhibition I had ever been to in Pakistan. I went solely because of Asim.

I remember the first time I saw one of Asim's painting. I remember the exact sensation. I felt like I had been hit in the chest. I felt like the colors from the canvas were touching me. Not just touching me, they were grabbing violently at me. I remember how vivid his work was, until then most paintings I had seen could best be described as passive. Not Asim. His work was alive, it was angry, it was funny, it seemed to rise up out of the canvas and dance in front of you. His figures were in a constant state of animation, and the loving detail to every muscle, every hair, every sinew of flesh was a kick to my consciousness. The paintings showed real people, real animals, real buildings everything was so vivid and real and yet it was a work of art. He made the dirty, the grotesque, the ignored seem beautiful and alive. You couldn't take your eyes off them.

That exhibition of Asim's sold out in record time. It was unheard for such a young artist. I wasn't surprised at all. He was creating a buzz. When I spoke of him, people referred to him as the next big thing to come out of Pakistan. When I talked to younger artists, especially from Indus Valley, they all idolized Asim. His work and commitment were legendary. He was an inspiration to so many.

Asim was the first artist whose work touched me. Maybe I was finally old enough to appreciate art, or maybe my perspective on the world had changed so I could appreciate what he was doing. But he was the first, and for the longest time, the only art I had any time for. I never missed any exhibition that had his name on it after that.

Asim and I continued to meet after that. Most of the time he'd be up late at night on facebook and we'd chat about everything under the sun. He'd recommend new music to me and excitedly send me emails with a long list of artists and pieces of music I should listen to. I couldn't keep up with him. He was intense, and passionate and had a childlike enthusiasm that was contagious. And while he was obviously smarter, better read and infinitely more talented than I could ever hope to be, I never once detected a tone of condescension in his voice.

Asim was an artist, but he was also that rare breed of artist, a true rebel. One moment he was a studio artist exhibiting work for the elite of Karachi in the most posh of art galleries, the next minute he was out spray painting graffiti in the dead of night. Like a modern day superhero, Asim would stealthily dart in and out of locations and spraypaint his message, using the simplest of symbols.

His 'eject' signs starting popping up all over the city during the last days of the Musharraf presidency when the protests took place. He wasn't just a passive, hidden protestor, he would actively take part and organize demonstrations. Most people will tell you they don't care about what other people think of them. Asim truly didn't. He simply didn't think like you and I did. Where you and I would think of the problems, the obstacles and reasons not to do something, Asim thought only of the goal, the achievement and the reasons something should be done.

He spoke to me one night of organizing a massive protest to stop the demolition of the beautiful and historic Hotel Metropole facade in Karachi. While I gently tried to point out the reasons he would fail, Asim simply didn't grasp the concept, or back down. He was always looking for a way. Its not that he was naive, or ignorant. He truly believed that anything could be done. That is why to me, Asim is the only true rockstar I have ever known.

His strength, his single minded determination to do the right thing and never compromise on his belief were an inspiration to me. I wanted to emulate him. And more than anything I wanted to impress him. Since Asim was so generous with his compliments, you always felt good around him, but I wanted his genuine approval, I wanted him to see me as an artist as well.

I invited him to every single ADP show, but he always refused, citing his aversion to large crowds. It became a running joke between the two of us, and I would tease him about what I thought was his irrational fear of people. Finally he showed up, without telling me, at the last Shaanaakht gig we did. It was one of our best shows to date. I guess Asim's incredible aesthetic sense told him to pick the right time to see us. He told me later how much he enjoyed the show, and how thankful he was that I wasn't some 'bubblegum' pop singer. (Asim's only previous exposure to us was watching the 'Nazar' video on youtube and according to him, this dented my rockstar credentials considerably). His short, simple praise meant so much to me.

The last time I met him was almost exactly a week ago, the Sunday of Open Mic Nite. I was running around, harassed trying to manage the immense crowd and was fretting about my own performance. I spotted Asim in the crowd and waved out to him. He flashed me a big smile and waved back, I called out to him reminding him of how much he hated crowds, yet here he was in the middle of the most congested, uncomfortable and raucous crowd we had seen in a long time. He looked visibly flustered, threw his hands up and said he was leaving. I smiled. It was enough for me that he had simply shown up.

That's how I'd like to look back on Asim's short but very special time on this planet. He was in my life for a very short time. But it was enough for me, that he had simply shown up.

Here are some of my favourite pieces, both paintings and graffiti by Asim

Other peoples tributes, and links about Asim.

Asim's Wikipedia Page

By Imran Khan, at Al-Jazeera

A Journey Through Pakistan by Adrian Fisk

Beena Sarwar's tribute

Finally two video tributes

ADP: Update

2010-01-14T11:22:00.000+05:00

After our fantastic gig at the Shanaakht Festival, (November 2009) where we played with Laal, Fuzon, Taal Karisma and Noori, we did what we do best. Put our heads up our asses and disappeared.

Well not entirely. We had noble intentions. Buoyed by the success of Shanaakht we went back into the recording studio with renewed confidence in our abilities. So far the only song we had recorded at Mr. E's studio was "Mujhay Sahara Do". Now when we recorded that song with Omar Khalid back in the day ( July 2009), we thought it sounded pretty good. But upon listening to it after 4 months, we realized it was rather shit. We asked Mr. E to mix it for us anyway. Mr. E mixed it in a rather unconventional manner. By also putting his head up his ass.

For two weeks he didn't give us the song. And then when he gave it to us it was unmixed. When we told Mr. E "Hey Mr. E, this song is unmixed", he was most surprised. He felt that he had done everything he could. No doubt, Mr. E too had noble intentions, but his practice of trying to mix a song by placing his head slowly up his own butthole was slowing down the process.

So we did what any band would do under the circumstances. We said, "OK nevermind Mr. E, here lets record some more songs". You see we had already paid him an advance amount of money to record our album. So we really were stuck in a corner. We could either beat his testicles with our shoes and hope that he gives our money back. Or we could get him to work. We chose the latter. But only barely.

This was not entirely a bad thing. We got Giles in the studio to play drums, and he did a fantastic job, so we were able to record the basic tracks for 'Hum Na Rahey' and "Jaaney Vaaley". Like a bunch of dudes peeing in the snow, we felt pretty good. Soon it was time for us to get fucked.
So Mr. E decided to get up one day and leave the country.

So here we are again. Fucked.

I really wish I was making some of this up. But I'm not. The sheer levels of unprofessionalism are just beyond me getting mad anymore. To me the situation has become just sickly amusing. We are heavily in debt. We don't have a studio to record in. We can't shift to another studio. We don't have any gigs lined up, concerts these days are getting more scarce by the day. We have 9 to 10 fantastic original songs that we are fully set to record. We're basically sitting waiting for Mr. E to come back someday so we can tell him to go fuck himself and give us back our money. Now this, if you're in Pakistan, you will realize, is un-fucking-likely.

Surprisingly, the band has remained fairly upbeat. We're all frustrated. But I think there is a sense that there's no point making a bad situation worse by bitching and moaning. So we're back to jamming, and I gotta say I'm feeling very good about how the band is sounding. We took a break in the winter, Rahail was travelling, I was busy with family and Giles was busy with Christmas. It gave me some time on my own and for the first time in a long time, I actually got down to some serious songwriting. The results were a whole bunch of new songs, one of which I performed with Ali at Open Mic Nite, a fantastic event we did last weekend showcasing some great upcoming talent and my favourite performers.

So while we might be fucked in the recording process, I'm feeling very good about the bands' sound. We're sounding tighter than ever and the songwriting is coming around well. I really can't say whats going to happen in the next couple of months, I can only hope we find a way to get back in the studio, or at least some gigs. But for now it's all just up in the air.

Once again, I apologize for not updating the blog as often as I should. But it's a new year, and this was one of my top resolutions, I'm going to try and stick by it.

Omar Khalid Leaves the Band.

2009-12-03T12:57:00.000+05:00

It's time I confirmed what many people have suspected, that Omar Khalid, the drummer and founding member of Aunty Disco Project has left the band.

Usually when somebody leaves the band there are rumors of an acrimonious split, whispers of fights and clashing egos. Then each party issues some sort of statement with the usual 'creative differences' being listed and how they wish each other well etc. I want to make clear that this truly wasn't the case with OK leaving.

There were several reasons contributing, but the most prevalent one is that OK's life plans simply couldn't accommodate being part of a band full-time. He won't be in Karachi much longer and he simply couldn't carry on with us the way we were. ADP is looking to get to the next level, we've all collectively decided that we don't want to do this just for fun anymore. Even if we don't succeed, we have to try to make it, and that meant an increased focus and a lot more dedication and commitment to the band, something we simply couldn't ask from OK anymore.

There's been no hard feelings, we all knew that OK would be leaving, it was just a matter of time. When we performed our last show at Rangoonwala Auditorium, we were all fully aware that it could possibly be our last show with OK. And it was. I'm glad he got to go out on a high note because that show was probably our best, and OK gave it his all in a fantastic performance.

I can't speak for the rest of the band, but for me, the whole thing was really sad. I'm going to miss him. We'd been together right from the start, we'd gone through so many highs and lows together, we'd been part of the struggle for so long that it kills me to see him go now, just when I think we're finally starting to make things happen. To me OK wasn't just a drummer, he was this hilarious character, my brother, my partner in crime who just happened to be an incredible musician.

In the beginning it was just OK and me, just two guys jamming in my bedroom. For the longest time we didn't have anyone else. It was just me on guitars and him on the drums. It was the beginning of a long and joyous musical partnership that formed the backbone of the band. I built my guitar playing around him and his style of drumming. He really did have a unique style of drumming. He smacked the skins harder than any other drummer I had played with and his beat had a really heavy stomp, which came from a massive kick-drum attack. I think the fact that he played the kick-drum so hard contributed to his knee problems later on. But that was the way he played, loud and aggressive and a trademark swing that kept him just behind the beat that would create this wonderful push-pull dynamic, that was so evident in songs like “Sultanat” and “Shehar Kay Aansoo”. Playing fast wasn't his thing, he liked to get stuck into a slow but powerful groove that sounded like a sledgehammer. He was massively into hip-hop beats and that's one of the things I loved about his drumming was that the guy had swing. He didn't simply play wooden straight beats, he loved to accentuate and vary. To OK, drumming was all about the groove and feel, never about simply keeping time. You'd never see it in his demeanor, because Omar remained stoically poker-faced every time he played drums.

Omar was the complete antithesis of the 'wild drummer' image. He was never flashy or an attention whore (I suppose he had to balance the obvious showboating of Yasir and myself). He never really paid much attention the whole 'rockstar' image, probably because he cultivated his own cool/aloof image so effortlessly. It's true that while onstage, Yasir and I got most of the attention, OK had his own clique of female fans who were intrigued by his 'mysterious' persona. OK's trademark look involved him looking like he just got out of bed, with a heavy stubble and a cigarette nonchalantly dangling from his mouth. While Yasir and I would obsess and fret over our hair and clothes, OK would turn up for a show wearing a red t-shirt and track pants, much to our exasperation. He spoke little, but when he did it was usually hilarious. He was the king of sardonic commentary and a master of ripping apart someones stupidity. He had a particularly evil sense of humor and usually Yasir was at the receiving end of it. Yasir and OK had a special bond, despite the fact that OK had, on various occasions...

Convinced Yasir that there was a bomb in the car.
Convinced Yasir that I had kicked him out of the band
Convinced Yasir that we were throwing him a surprise birthday party. When we weren't.
Hidden in the backseat and scared the shit out of Yasir when he got into the car.
Convinced Yasir that the plane they were on was going to crash and that he should start praying.

A lot of times, OK would get criticized for being inconsistent. In the beginning a lot of factors affected his playing. His troublesome knee, his grip on the sticks, if his monitoring was bad, he tended to fall apart midway through the show. But he was a pressure player, The bigger the occasion, the bigger the performance from OK. He relished a challenge. Just when you thought he couldn't pull something off, he'd do it. I remember back in July 07 when we were due to play the K-Fest show at Royal Rodale with Mauj and Mizraab and we had been toying with the idea of performing Led Zeppelins 'Black Dog'. Anyone who's tried to play it knows its a complete nightmare to do, with its complicated rhythms and stops and starts. Till the last minute, I wasn't convinced we could do it. It wasn't until the very last day that OK simply powered his way through it and got it spot on. We performed it the next day at the show bowling over the audience with such a massively difficult cover, OK was magnificent and his volcanic performance was the highlight of the show.

And man did he improve. While we all improved together as a band, OK had a single minded determination to become a technically better drummer. Once he finally bought his own drumkit, he practiced religiously and it showed in leaps and bounds. This past year, OK's drumming was incredible. Before he had raw power and talent but now, he had the technical knowledge and the polish that truly began to lift our songs to the next level.

He was the guy I counted on to be the voice of sanity when I thought I was losing mine. When we were doing a PACC show with Mauj, I was down with a 105degree fever and completely bed-ridden, unable to do anything for a show I was organizing. That same day we were shooting the video for “Iss Tanhai Ko”. OK stepped up to the plate and completely took over all responsibility, handling the money, ticketing, transport, soundcheck, setup. That show was really special to me. With our backs up against the wall, we played out of our skins thanks in no small part to OK's timely management of the crisis.

I hope this doesn't read like an obituary, because OK isn't dead. I simply wanted to pay tribute to one of the most talented musicians I have ever had the pleasure of playing with and I hope he continues to play. He'll always be my friend and brother, and this really is the end of an era. But I know it's the beginning of a new one, and I know that nothing would make OK happier than to see us succeed. And if we do, it'll be because OK was part of the Aunty Disco Project.

THE BLOG IS BACK

2009-12-03T12:49:00.000+05:00

Yes it is yes it is! I'm back all you beautiful people. I missed you all. Where do i begin? Oh I was supposed to do a part 2 to the ADP weekend wasn't I? about Rangoonwala Auditorium. Well well well, I will. But so much has happened since hasn't it? Some of it is crazy exciting, some of it sad. But all good. I promise to be good, I missed writing, I just got so busy in the middle. Then depressed. Then fat. Then thin. Then horny.

I have overcome my fat, thin, horny demons and now I bring the blog to you again. I plan to update every week. In the meantime, check out ADP's Facebook Page and Twitter page for constant updates on what we're doing.

Check out our brand new spanking website www.getyourauntyon.com where you can finally download our music, both studio and live recordings!

I now leave you this space below to abuse me for neglecting my blog.

Love you all :)

The Great ADP Independence Day Weekend: Part 1

2009-08-31T12:08:00.000+06:00

So the Independence Day Weekend 14th-16th August was a dream weekend for ADP. We had two incredible concerts, one at the Indus Valley School for Art and Architecture (yes, I have to say the whole thing, it makes it sound grand) and one at Rangoonwala Hall.

We used to have a college love affair with IBA back in the day when we started, now it's with Indus Valley. They always have such a great, festive atmosphere at their events and we jumped at the opportunity to play at the their annual Independence Day Mela.

Now it's always tricky playing Independence Day Gigs because there is this pressure to perform patriotic songs, i.e. Dil Dil Pakistan, Jazba Junoon or sing the Roz Roz Good Milk jingle because the crowd demands it. We took a conscious decision not to play any national songs because a) we sucked when we tried to play them b) Omar Khalid refuses to play a bhangra beat c) we thought it might look like we're trying too hard to pander to the audience. Now don't get me wrong, I am an expert panderer to the audience as long as I get love. (Listen carefully children, this is what an attention-whore sounds like). But at the same time, the whole 'qaumi'-songs-on-14th-August has been done to death and the whole idea of forced patriotism is just cheesy to me.

I shall now save you haters the hassle of leaving stupid predictable comments accusing me of being unpatriotic by doing it myself.
This is the problem with burger bachas like you, you hate Pakistan and all things desi and you love America that's why you don't sing qaumi songs on 14th August.
You're just trying to be too cool by not playing patriotic songs
Our culture...blaah blaah...national identity..bllaah blaah...Begum Noor Jehan....bllah blaah...music inspiration.Jeevay Jeevay Pakistan....blah blah... i'm proud to be desi...blaah blaah...next generation...I hate you.

Anyway, so the Mela itself was great, we had a couple of local college opening acts that went on before us, the most memorable of which was a duo that played an angry, punk rock, completely out of tune version of The Backstreet Boys "I Want It That Way"

I got my face painted in the spirit of things, and the boys and I all chose to wear some form of green. (Notable exceptions were Rahayl who wore black, because he hates happiness and Omar Khalid who wore red because he supports communism. But also because it was a present from his wife.)

As we were sound checking, a large gentlemen in a starchy shalwar kameez came and wistfully asked OK if he could play some bhangra because him and his buddies were in the mood to dance. I kid you not, this actually happened. OK, never being one to miss an opportunity to mess with someone then told the gentlman that he didn't know how a bhangra beat went. Obviously the guy proceeded to demonstrate with his best bhangra-beat-box effort. OK then pretended to get the beat and forget it, driving our starchy bhangra man insane.

Right after sunset, we were ready to take the stage. There was a massive , really excitable crowd and they were warmed up by some Pathan students (who introduced themselves as the rather mencaing Pukhtoon Federation) came and did the tradiotional dance to Bibi Shireen. I thought it was fantastic and the crowd really got into it.

With all the excitement bulding up, we took the stage and kicked off with Baba O'Reilly.

It was absolutely fantastic! Even though the stage was sparse and had only two floodlights on either side, it ended up looking really dramatic with the huge Pakistan flag in the background. We had been treating this show as a bit of a warmup for the big one we were going to do at Rangoonwala Hall, but suddenly with the crowd and the electric atmosphere it became a full-on rock show. We played a short set, probably only half an hour but it was really energetic and the crowd were having a fantastic time singing along and dancing. We also got to unveil our brand new "Get Your Aunty On" ADP t-shirts and chucked a couple into the crowd (much to our managers dismay).

After the show, we were completely drained, but relieved. This had been the first ADP show with new line-up of Ali and Rahayl and we felt the curse had finally broken. We hadn't done a live show since we were in LUMS in May and this short, fantastic little gig had really done wonders for our confidence. We were all set for the big one on Sunday...

Photography by Aroosh Naqvi.

Some more promos for the concert

2009-08-12T16:37:00.001+06:00

Here's two more promos for our gig on Sunday

Please check out our website for the show here for information.

Tell all your friends in Karachi! We'll be debuting brand new tracks from the upcoming album, never been played in public before! Also lots of ADP merchandise will be on sale.

Hope to see you guys there, GET YOUR AUNTY ON!

Aunty Disco Project Invites you to their gig.

2009-08-10T11:34:00.000+06:00

So here's the promo we made for our concert. You can get further details here at www.getyourauntyon.com

Sigh..yes...I know.

Hope you guys will come!

More promos to follow.

The Blog Returns

2009-08-03T12:47:00.000+06:00

You know, sometimes when there is so much happening, you really don't know what to blog about first. In the end, you end up blogging about nothing. So here I am, all apologies, getting back to blogging. A lot has happened in the past month, but there is some extremely exciting stuff coming up for ADP. Things are finally looking up for us after a pretty dry run. So here goes.

1) Omar Khalid got married

That's right! All you female OK fans out there read and weep, because he is now officially a married man. Now you will have to make do with the other Omar in ADP. So yeah, OK walked down the aisle, and there was much rejoicing. Heck, we were supposed to perform at his mehndi, but a couple of days before no one could decide on the set list and no one could meet to practice.

It's always tricky when playing at a wedding. Theoretically it should be joyous, "I'm in a band, of course they should play at my wedding" and there are fantastical scenes of the entire band rocking out on stage and the happy guests tieing their ties/dupattas around their heads and indulging in a violent bhangra.

The reality is, its always going to be awkward performing at a desi wedding because most people will assume you are a maraasi band and will wonder why you are lecherously shaking your nether regions while singing "Kiss" by Prince when you should be doing "Pehla Nasha". Without the willy shaking.
Obviously no one above the age of 35 knows who the hell ADP are, so there's no point in singing your originals so in the end we usually settle for a couple of Indian songs and of course some vintage Vital Signs/Junoon. Great wedding songs include "Neend Aati Nahin", "Khwaab" etc. Let's not forget that since you are now a wedding band, you basically have to act as a karaoke machine for every aunty/uncle/cousin/friend who has been waiting for an opportunity to showcase their talents. Sometimes this works, and they sing perfectly well with the band. More often than not, they sing off key, out of time and when they screw up, they glare back at the band like..."what the fuck dude, why are you messing up my shit". I once played at this wedding for a friend where this aunty kept blaming me for messing up her glorious version of "Raaja Ko Raani Sey Pyaar Ho Gaya". She would start and then stop and then start again, turn back and say "Beyta Tum Sahee Nahin Baja Rahey" ("You aren't playing it correctly"). I wanted to grab my crotch and tell her "Aunty Aap Meray Tattey Baja Lein" ("Aunty why don't you play with MY BALLS") But I was talked out of it by the maulvi who did the nikah. He was all like "Beyta, sub ko tattey nahin dikhaya kartey" ("Son, it is not proper to show everyone your balls").

Anyway I digress.

We ended up not playing the wedding finally because Omar injured his pinky quite grotesquely in this freak accident with the drum stool. So for the rest of the wedding, he walked around with a big with bandage/plaster on his finger. This meant that basically every guy who met him had to make a masturbation reference.

So anyway, it was weird seeing OK get married, I mean he was always the last guy who I thought would get married in ADP. He's always been the 'cool' one from the group, not one you would expect to settle down this early. But he did, and to see him greeting relatives and old aunties and uncles and being...well CLEAN was a weird sight. But he pulled it off and I wish him and his pretty wife all the best. We're all really really happy for him.

2) We're back in the recording studio

Exactly 3 years since we recorded our first studio effort, we're now back in the recording studio working on our first commercial album. Emad-Ur-Rehman is producing it, his previous credits include working with Junoon and Ali Azmat's "Social Circus" album, so we picked him because he had rock cred. So far we've recorded two brand new songs "Mujhey Sahara Do" and "Hum Na Rahey", and I have to say, we're extremely excited about the results. Work has been really slow on the albums because of OK's wedding and with the rains in Karachi destroying everything, but we're steadily inching along and I'm quite proud of the work we're doing, it's more mature and more organized and obviously we're better musicians than we were three years ago, so I'm confident that the efforts will pay off this time.
I'm going to put up a separate blog post detailing the recording process because that tends to get kinda technical and will probably appeal more to the music/tech nerds out there. But in the meantime, we're still working on it, hoping to release the whole thing by the end of this year. Inshallah, we'll release a couple of single before that, probably around October 09. Expect new ADP material very soon! And in case you can't wait that long

3) We did MTV Unplugged

Yep! we did an 8 song performance for MTV Unplugged. It aired last night and will air again this week, I'll post the timings up for it here so that you guys can catch it. I saw it and was pretty happy with the result, I thought the MTV team did a great job putting it together. Our performance was really energetic but a little rough around the edges, plenty of mistakes but it's all part of performing live. We'll be posting the videos and audio up soon on our new website, stay tuned for further details.

4) We're finally playing live again

As you know, we haven't done a proper concert since the disastrous LUMS trip, and technically that doesn't count because we didn't get to finish our set. In fact, ever since Rahayl joined we haven't done a full proper concert. So we decided to take matters into our own hands and organize our own, without any sponsors. We're just hoping your love will pay for our expenses.

Catch us live in Karachi on August 16th at Rangoonwala Auditorium at 8 pm, with opening act Flam!

Also if you haven't already done so, please join our Facebook page, it's much easier to update everyone on band activities over there. Unless you are one of those people who don't really care about the band and are here to read my angry rants and dick jokes. Then just come here. More to follow.

Since we're promoting ourselves...

5) They said something nice about me in the papers.

Read this article in The News Instep

I usually don't want to toot my own horn. But the Ali Azmat comparison... made my day. Thank you to whoever wrote the article, I am truly honored and humbled to be included in the same list as the musicians above.

It's good to be back people, stay tuned!

I'm not going out with her.

2009-06-27T11:27:00.001+06:00

OK so I am totally not gonna go out with this girl. This is why.

1) She has the crazy eyes.

Now this may come as no surprise to you guys, but here reality is, most hot girls who are single have 'the crazy eyes'. There's an old saying, (by old saying I mean 'read it on a t-shirt') that goes "Show me the hottest girl in the world, and I'll show you someone who is tired of her shit". And the sad bit is that guys like me can never see it! But I've seen it now. So next time you consider going out with this girl, look deep into her eyes. She may think you're being romantic. But look. More often than not you will see the vast blackness, a portal of neediness, possessiveness, PMS rage and moodswings.

There is apparently a scale that shows you have to be of a certain hotness to be that crazy. They are directly proportional, i.e. A girl is allowed to be pretty crazy the hotter she is. But if a girl batshit insane and not hot enough, run. No one wants to take shit from an uggles.

2) She hates the gym. But she loves the food.

Yep, this seems really shallow. But sometimes you know she's gonna get fat. Now I don't mind a woman putting on a few pounds. But I hate dealing with the awkward situations that arise after she has, like when she tries on her old clothes and finds herself not fitting into them. Sample conversation.

Girl: Omar! I can't fit into my old clothes! Why oh why! I'll never get them adjusted in time for the wedding/party/circumcision celebration.

Now one can react to this in a variety of ways.

Reaction #1: (Sweetly) Babe, it's OK, I think you look much better this way, even sexier...mmm I love your curves...let us kiss with tongue.
Analysis: Women can see lies much the same way men can spot the drunkest girl at the party. Quickly and clearly.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction#2: (Rationally) Babe you haven't put on that much weight, you've still got time, let's join the gym and lay off the carbs for a while.
Analysis: Not only have you implied that she is a lazy bitch for not going to the gym before but you've decided to control her make-bad-feeling-go-bye-bye food intake. That means the next time she is depressed, rather than reaching for the comfort of cheesecake or ice-cream she is going to call your ass up and expect you to comfort her when you are doing something important like watching TV or having a furious wank.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction #3: (Frankly) BITCH WHY YOU SO FAT!
Analysis: Now obviously one could have done a little better with this sentence. The inclusion of 'bitch', is demeaning. And technically you should have put an "are' between the 'why' and the 'you', so as to be clearer. This is basically a make or break, your honesty will show her that you are a brave person and willing to be the man to hold up a mirror to her. She nows you will always do the right thing.
Result: Passionate love making......just kidding.... death by asphyxiation you stupid choot.

3) She blatantly evaluates me for marriage.

Hey I'm all about getting married, but do you have to be freaking obvious about it? We will be having a random conversation about life and other fun things and then she will suddenly ask me, how many kids I want. And the worst is when they try to sneak this shit in the middle of a conversation so that it creeps up on you like a midget ninja.

Girl: Hahaha, I love watching the Simpsons!
Me: Wow that's awesome! I love watching the Simpsons too!
Girl: So are your parents Urdu-speaking?

Let's not forget when they spring hypothetical family situations on you. I will happily be enjoying a joke about pathans when she will pose this question to me,

"My uncle's wife is Pathan. And she's speaks with a lisp. She's kind of a midget. And she has a huge mole. Would you make fun of her too?"

Fuck.

4) She types LOL. And then she types 'HAHAH' right after.

This is pet peeve. I'm generally not a huge fan of LOL. It seems like you are too lazy to actually laugh. I feel like I have been cheated out of a reaction. I'm suspicious that she is not really laughing but in fact humoring me. But I understand this is the norm So I deal.
On the other hand a hearty "hahahahahaha" makes me elated. Especially if there is an exclamation mark or two after it. It seems genuine.
The problem arises when she types LOL and then HAHAHA in the same line. This seems shady. Like she is trying to hard. It might mean she is desperate for attention. or maybe she think LOL means something other than Laugh Out Loud. Bottom line, this is just plain redundant.

Other net abbreviation that will make me judge you include ROFL. Rolling On the Floor Laughing? You have no dignity.

LMAO: If you mention your ass. We will think about it.

LMFAO: A Lady does not speak this way.

Also any combination of ROFL, LMAO, is completely unacceptable. If you are truly tickled by what someone has said, use the vocabularly to express it. Or else I will have to come up with my own.

IOLCUH: I'm Only Laughing Cuz U Hot
ICBWI: I Could Be Wanking Instead.
TUDGTJBALA: Thinking You Didn't Get The Joke But Are Laughing Anyway
DOS: Dreaming of Suicide.

5) She's kinda like...my mom.

Freud fucked shit for us forever. Deal with it.

6) She asks me for my email password.

By far the worst thing a girl can do in order to get more couply is ask you for your email password. What the hell is this disturbing trend? When did couples feel the need to share every fucking thing? Don't be fooled if she comes up with a guilt inducing argument like "What do you have to hide?" I GOT PLENTY TO HIDE! I have emails from old girlfriends! I have dirty pictures my friends sent me! I have dirty jokes my friends sent me! I have emails of me bitching about your friends! I have sexist exchanges with my buddies!

This is an unacceptable breach of privacy. And even if she gives your her email password, don't fall for it. a) It's probably her dummy boring email account, not the real one where she still talks to her ex. b) Grow a fucking pair.

The Great LUMS Trip: Part 2

2009-06-02T11:13:00.000+06:00

11:00 AM: The blinding sunlight of Lahore makes me wake up. It's a slow and lazy morning. I look around and laugh because I have a room all to myself, while the other guys are slutting it up in the other rooms. I guffaw victoriously and prance.

11:10 AM: After a shower and change, I go to wake up the other guys. Ali Alam is awake and missing. Rahayl is bleary eyed. I walk into the next room where OK is calmly smoking a cigarette and Yasir is passed out. This really does not look good.

11:30 AM: We hit Yasir repeatedly till he wakes up. OK tortures Yasir by implying that he may or may not have teabagged him in his sleep.

11:45 AM: Yasir does not know what teabagging is.

11:46 AM: Yasir finds out what teabagging is. We console Yasir.

12:30 PM: We find Ali chilling in the TV lounge, it's a long day ahead of us, its hot outside, and we've got nothing but time to kill before we have to go for soundcheck in the afternoon. For some reason all of us are pretty down, not really excited about the show yet. So we spend our time in the most un-rock'n'roll fashion, lazing around on the couches and watching "Jodhaa Akbar"

12:45 PM: Boredom reaches epic proportions as we flip through channels and discover this really weird channel that displays some sort of frequency graph. We think we have stumbled across some hidden spy communication thingy. Or something that responds to loud noises. now I'm not proud of this, but we made Yasir go stand near the TV screen and wave his arms to see if it woulf affect the frequency graph while we shouted loud noises.

1:00 PM: Massive debate ensues about what we need to do for lunch. Yasir leaves to visit relatives, Rahayl leaves for adventure. Returns with a drink in a soda can called "Panda", which is 0.5% Alcohol. I kid you not! Apparently this stuff is commercially available in Lahore. Just so you know, we ADP, endorse PANDA DRINK.

2:00 PM: In a fit of diva-ness, I call up manager Aamir and demand that LUMS send over a couple of roadies to help us transport our equipment to LUMS. Sure enough within a couple of minutes, two kids from LUMS show up at the rest house. We are nowhere near ready, so instead we convince the boys to chill with us and have some pizza and Coke. One of them is pretty friendly, a Lahori guy also a musician, who wants nothing more than to meet the great Omar Khalid of LUMS. He assumes it is me. Sigh. The other one, a Karachiite, doesn't say much and refuses our offers of food and drink. I'm pretty sure he thinks we're going to drug him and rape him.

3:00 PM: Despite our attempts to stall, the LUMS boys load our stuff into their cars and we head out to the LUMS campus, hoping we'll be able to soundcheck soon.

3:15 PM: We get to the campus and discover that while the stage has been set up, nothing else is ready. Just as we feared, we were going to be in for a long long wait...

3:30 PM: The worst part about these things is sitting around waiting for other people to hurry up. From what we can see, the setup is definitely going to take longer than expected. There is no place for us to chill and relax at LUMS except the students rec room, which is where we all head. OK has brought his laptop and is on the net. Rahayl engages Aamir in an animated discussion about something. Yasir is stressing because some local musicians want him to play with them at the show tonight and he doesn't know if he should do it. Ali and I go searching for ice cream.

4:00 PM: Did you know LUMS has it's own Hot Spot? The ice cream is a welcome relief from the heat and boredom. Ali, Rahayl, Aamir and me discuss our game-plan for tonight. We are told that there are going to be almost 17 LUMS musicians performing as opening acts before we take the stage. Now the band Laal was also supposed to be performing and were heavily promoted in the events posters, but hilariously enough, the members of Laal are all in London and have no idea that they were doing this gig. These two bits of information should have been warning signs. Anyway, we figure we're going at a good time because we'll have a full crowd and it wont be too late. We're going to be followed by EP and then Noori are going to close the show, I'm really excited to be meeting both.

5:00 PM: Ali Alam walks back to the rec room, where he sees OK working on his laptop. Next to OK he sees a couple passionately making out. OK smiles looks back and makes a thumbs up gesture. How awesome is this place?

6:00 PM: We are bored shitless waiting for soundcheck to happen. But I have to say, the stage and sound setup looks incredible. But the heat, combined with the boredom is sapping our energy and making us all slightly cranky. It's interesting to see how everyone in the band is reacting differently, it's such a reflection of the personalities. OK and Ali are the cool cucumbers of the bunch, although OK has been betraying signs of nervousness on this trip, probably because he's performing at his alma mater and he has to deliver on his reputation.

7:00PM: The concert was scheduled to start at 7pm, but we now only start our soundcheck. We're the first band on, and feeling especially drained, we start the process. However, getting up on that massive stage is a huge rush for me, especially when they test the lights. It really does feel like we're playing at Woodstock, with this massive stage in the middle of an open field. The soundcheck starts badly, with Rahayl and Yasir both not being happy with their sounds. It's always hard to remain calm and patient during these times, because the rest of the band wants to move forwad quickly and so when one person is being picky about their sound, it gets a little annoying, but it's really important for these guys to be satisfied, so we keep going. Some LUMS kid is talking us through the soundcheck but he's beginning to get annoying because he clearly has no idea who is playing what, nor does he know our names.

7:24PM: Right in the middle of our soundcheck, Noori show up at the stage ready to check. Ali Noor and Ali Hamza walk up to the stage and greet us warmly, (I am of course secretly thrilled but jelly-legged to be soundchecking in front of Noori). This is the first time they are hearing us and they keep telling us about how our reputation precedes us and they are really looking forward to tonights show.

7:30PM: We start our soundcheck with "Kiss". As I hit the opening chords, I feel extremely faint, the heat and the excitement and the lights are making me completely weak, but the other guys are feeling pretty good. I growl out the opening lines and after a shaky start settle into a nice funky rhythm, very aware that the Noori brothers are up on the right of the stage listening to us, and I'm terrified of messing up. Thankfully we perform really well, and the sound sounds amazing. The few people that are in the area stop and applaud as we finish, giving the sound guy a thumbs up.

7:35PM: Ali Noor chats with Ali Alam and tells him he thought we sounded great. I'm still extremely shy to go talk to him myself, so I quietly squat by my guitar case and pack up my things till I feel a loud thud on my back. Ali Noor comes up behind me and tells me how well I sang and that he honestly wasnt expecting us to be this good. I smile, slightly embarassed but I'm completely psyched inside to be getting a compliment from one of my idols. Noor then laughs and comments on how I'm a vain bastard who knows he's good ("Issey to pata hae bhai! He knows he's a good singer..bastard!")

7:45PM:Farhad Humayun from Overload and Shehzad Hameed join us on stage along with Salman Albert from EP who is drumming for Noori. Ali Noor is showing off this really complicated new monitoring system he is trying out for this show which basically uses his laptop and his own digital processing along with loops. It's way over my head. The atmosphere is really cool, a whole bunch of great musicians on stage chatting informally. Farhad and Shehzad are slated to perform one song as a last minute addition, but their bass player has bailed on them They shadily pull Rahayl into a corner and ask him to join them for their performance, which has Rahayl over the moon.

8:30PM: I chill out on the lawn with Ali Alam and we sit through Noori's soundcheck. Ali Hamza gets shocked from his microphone within the first song and hilariously yells out in that patented Lahori accent "Microphone change karo oye! Krunt lag raha hae".

9:00PM: It's getting really late and at the back of my mind, I'm tensing up about how late everything is moving. Noori have just finished their soundcheck. The guys from EP aren't here, and there are still 17 amateur acts that have to perform before us.

9:15PM: I go to my friend Asad's house to shower and change and relax a bit with some of my friends in Lahore, looking completely like the Asshole Lead Singer that I am. For some reason, the guys in the band think that every time I go off on my own, I leave them to be partyin with skanky ho's and groupies. This is only partially true.

10:30PM: I had told Aamir to call me just before we go on. When I call him, he tells me that there is still almost an hours worth of amateurs who are going to perform. Shit.

10:45PM: I come back to LUMS. Hilariously I am stopped at the gate. I try to convince the guards that I'm one of the musicians performing tonight but he's having none of it. So I have to call Aamir to come bail me out. I sheepishly stand on the sidewalk while random guys drive by me, one of whom spots me and yells "ADP?!! Wooooohooooo". Not cool.

11:00PM: Wow, within a couple of hours, the entire field has been transformed into this sea of people. I'm overwhelmed byt how massive this crowd is, and how fantastic the stage looks. I get their just in time to see Rahayl take the stage along with Shehzad Hameed and Farhad Humayun and watch them perform a balls-out incredible version of Led Zeppelin's "Rock'n"Roll" that brings the crowd to their feet. What a rush.

11:30PM: The guys from EP show up backstage and we meet them. Ahmed Ali Butt is really friendly and freely chatting with everyone. Ali Noor is backstage too animatedly talking to someone or the other. Fawad from EP is surrounded by a gaggle of girls asking for his autograph. Omar Khalid is chugging away at cans of Red Bull. I start to get really tense. We're pretty suspicious that the organizers are going to make us cut our setlist down. I hurriedly scramble to find a pen and paper and we write out two setlists, one complete, one shortened.

11:45PM: Sure enough, as the last LUMS acts winds down, the organizers approach me and tell me "Omar Bhai, can we talk to you about the time". I'm not in the mental state to discuss this because I'm already tense and I'm afraid I'll lose my cool. I tell them to talk to Aamir. Aamir walks off with them, followed by Ali Alam and Yasir. I can see a heated discussion taking place and I expect the worst. They come back to me and tell me to the organizers want us to shorten the playlist in the interest of time. I ask them how long, they ay "Half-an-hour". Half an hour? That's more than I expected. I tell them we'll do it. Crisis averted.

Midnight: After what seems like an eternity, we finally take the stage. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. The band members are no longer excited, they look exhausted and haggard, the tension showing on their faces. There is just a general uneasy vibe. I can't get over how tired we are, maybe it's the heat, or the lights or the crippling nerves before going up in this massive crowd that stretches back as far as the eye can see. The trek up the stairs to the stage is slow and heavy. Our name gets announced and theres a loud cheer from the audience.

I very slowly, very deliberately walk towards my guitar case and kneel down beside my amp to make sure all my settings or in order. I go through my little pre-show ritual of running my fingers over the strings, allowing the warm hum of the amp to swell. I place my pick, my slide, cap and harmonica on top of the amp. Aamir comes on stage and hands me a water bottle I can barely swallow from. I take out the crumpled setlist and place it under my mic stand.

One section of the audience is playfully taunting us with chants of "Aunty Aunty". I play along, smiling and pumping my fists in unison with the chants. I still can't get over how many people there are.

I make my way over to the drum riser. During the soundcheck I had practiced jumping off it, but now it looks pretty dangerous to jump off. I climb up and talk to OK as he runs over the tom-toms and does little runs on the snare. He's ready. I get back down and make eye contact with Rahayl and Yasir and ask them if they're good to go. The nod silently. Ali is at my right, he's the last guy I look at before I start. Everyone's ready to go. But my voice is failing me. I walk up to the mic and I croak "Ladies and Gentlemen, we're the Aunty Disco Project".

The crowd erupts as I start the opening riff from "Baba O'Riley" (by The Who). OK starts the count in with the sticks. The crowd start clapping along building up the momentum. I feel like this huge bundle of energy waiting to burst as the guitar notes ring out across the field 1..2..3..4...Clap..Clap...Clap...Clap...

Fuck it...I'm going to jump off the drum riser.

1..

2...

3...

4...

and

BRAAAAAAANNNNGGGGGGG

I close my eyes and take a massive leap off the riser and land staggering back onto the stage. The band is a little shell-shocked by my jump, (I'm later told that they were convinced I was going to break something) but they recover just in time to come in with the crashing opening chords. OK's drum intro thunders through and we tear into the song.

I scream out the opening line and I can hear my voice resonate loudly and clearly. The sound mix is a little confused and all over the place. I can tell that the guys are having a hard time hearing each other, but we power through it.

The crowd is incredible, singing along with every word and jumping in time with the beat.

As the break in the song comes, everybody in the field joins me and sings "Don't Cry, Don't Raise Your Eyes, It's Only....TEEENAGE WASTELAND". The hair on my neck stands on the end.
We end the song in a manic storm of guitars and drums and build up to a crescendo and crash.

The audience is wildly cheering. I look over at the guys and smile. We won over the crowd. all the jeering stopped from the minute we hit that first chord.

Seconds later, we launch into the soaring opening notes of "Sultanat". As we start, I see Aamir standing in the middle near the soundbooth giving us the thumbs up. The volcanic buildup launches us into a ferocious version of Sultanat. Once again I'm surprised by how many people know about the song and are singing along.

The kids in the front row are headbanging and jumping and screaming, it's truly magical. Watching guys and girls just having a good time, letting themselves go and enjoying themselves to something we created is just mind-blowing.

We get through an intense, almost flawless version of "Sultanat" and I can see the crowd are ready to rock out even more.

The intensity of the last two songs has taken it's toll on the band, and I can see them visibly fatiguing, especially OK and Yasir. Which is why our start to "Rock The Casbah" is a little sluggish and confused, with a couple of us missing our cues. But the crowd doesn't notcie and goes wil for the darbuka. They're dancing and singing and pumping their fists in the air.

This is easily our best show ever.

Well.... it would have been.

As soon as we end "Casbah", Aamir comes on stage and walks up to me, takes me aside and says "It's over". I'm confused,
"What do you mean?"
"They shut it down, the concert, the faculty shut it down"

I'm still dazed and not completely taking in the information. I sit down on the riser wiping the sweat from my face. The president of The LUMS music society take the stage and announces on the mic that the concert is over, because it has run overtime and the faculty is threatening to cut the power. He's greeted by booing and jeering, most people shake their heads in disbelief. As the situation becomes clearer to me, I'm surprised by how resigned I am to this.
Ali Alam comes up to me and tells me "We should probably tell the crowd to calm down, they look like they're going to riot"....sure enough, people are shouting abuse and getting worked up. Shaking myself out of the daze, Ali and I walk up to the mic's and plead with everyone to exit quietly and thank the Music Society for having is in Lahore. People disbelievingly start to exit. There's is a gaping black hole of disappointment all over the field.

The guys and I get off the stage. The Noori and EP guys congratulate us and shake our hands and tell us what an exciting performance it was. At the same time, I can see that they are absolutely, understandably livid and how the night has turned out. Ali Noor jokes about how ADP is jinxing his band (we were slated to perform with Noori in a Karachi show that got cancelled). Ahmed Ali Butt from EP comes by and tells me he really regrets that he didnt getto hear us do "Nazar" because it's one of his favorites. I'm really touched by how gracious these guys are, and let it be said that they were complete gentlmen and they didn't lose their cool at any of the LUMS organizers, no matter what any newspaper reports might say.

12:40AM: Things start to lighten up as a bunch of fans come backstage and chat with us and get their pictures taken with us. We hang around for awhile and then start the unglamours packing up process. Thankfully some LUMS students are only to happy to help us carry our equipment.

1 AM: OK and me get a headstart and start transporting our stuff back to the cars. As we walk down the footpaths of LUMS, guitar in hand. Something special happens. All the LUMS students along the road break out into spontaneous cheering and applause as we make our way amongst them. I'm humbled, and deeply touched and emotional at this outpouring of love. All along the way people shake our hands and slap us on our backs...

And thats where I end it, because thats how I want to remember it.

Here are some links to articles that appeared about the event in The News to help you guys get a better, more fact based idea of things

Article in INSTEP by Hani Taha Salim

Article in SHEHR section of The News on Sunday by Aziz Omar

Kanye West: Chootia

2009-05-28T12:13:00.001+06:00

I have always maintained that Kanye West sucks ass all day. I hate his music. I hate his rapping. I hate the fact that he's a fashion icon and now the final straw, Kanye West has written a BOOK.

That's right Kanye West who is a self proclaimed hater of books and all other things containing knowledge and low to mild reading (including Twitter) has written a book full of shit that Kanye says. Aaah, irony thou art a sneaky bedfellow.

Please read this quote. I know I can't without wanting to punch myself in the nuts.
"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed," West said. "I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph"

That's right! I agree Kanye! Like that motherfucker Dostoyevsky! Why he be so sad n shit? And don't even get me started on them ho's Emily and Charlotte Bronte...bitches be runnin' wild.

I also love how he would never want a books' autograph. Imagine all the rest of us stupid fuckers crowding around the 19th edition of "Great Expectations" with pens while Kanye's all like standin in the corner and shit with his posse bein all like "fuck that shit man! I ain't gonna be askin for that". I'm sure he'd get an autograph from a DVD though. I hear the Godfather 2 DVD doesn't like public appearances. But I'm sure it'll make an exception for fuckin' Kanye.

The article goes on to explain how the book is a collection of"Kanye-isms". It is knowledge straight from Kanye to you. His collection of thoughts and theories.
"His book is 52 pages -- some blank, others with just a few words -- and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, "Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!" Another page reads "I hate the word hate!"

Whoa....hang on a second...he wrote a 52 page book....some pages BLANK? Does anybody else reading this feel like shooting themselves in the dick? Who the fuck writes a book with blank fuckin pages? Forget that, who the fuck buys a book with blank pages? Is Kanye trying to cleverly make a statement about how sometimes his brain is filled with no fuckin thoughts whatsoever. Aah thats probably it. He's smarter than I thought. As can be inferred by this gem

"I hate the word hate!!"

Fuck! Kanye has me confused! First he say he hate the word hate! Then why he be using the word hate! Now I used the word hate! Does that make me a bad person in the eyes of lord and sovereign Kanye? Kanye you sneaky word playing bastard.
"My favorite one is 'Get used to being used,'" he said.

Aah, this one is clearly for all the fellas chillin in jail out there. Kanye provides them with solace by telling them to quit whining and get used to all the ass rape.

This leads up to the most bizarre moment in the article.

So does he fancy himself a modern-day Confucius? "I'm trying to end the confusion," he said, laughing and adding, "I'm gonna put that on the next album."

Is it just me or did Kanye West actually think the word "Confucius" meant "Confused Person"? Because it seems to me that would make his answer slightly less fucktarded. But it's ok since we all know that if Kanye is unclear about something, he will just put it on his next album.

Me: "Hey Kanye! What's the capital of Sweden?
Kanye: "Sheeeeet, I dunno! But I'ma put it on my next album".

"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life," he said.

DOH! That's what I've been doing wrong! All this time I was living my fake life as King of Bonerland talking to my imaginary friends Bashir The Obsessive Compulsive Bunny Rabbit and Maqsood the Transsexual Midget. No wonder I had no information about anything or anyone. But we had some good times though.

West dedicates the book to his late mother. "My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness," he said, defining "flyness" as confidence.

Poor Kanye, can't help rhyming! all that pesky wordplay talent seeping through. And I'm glad he defined "flyness" for all us who don't speak Kanye. For a minute there I actually thought Kanye was in fact, motherfuckin Superman.

Sigh. Kanye West = Chootia.

P.S: i know I was supposed to put Part 2 of the Great LUMS Trip, but this got me really riled up, stay tuned, for Part 2, should be up tommorow.

The Great LUMS Trip: Day 1

2009-05-19T14:17:00.000+06:00

The fact that I had so much to blog about usually puts me in denial of how much I have to blog about. The result is I don't blog. But here I have forced myself to go back to writing and give you the account of our concert at LUMS. Last weekend ADP were booked to play at LUMS University's 10 Year Re-Union of their Music Society. Now we got the gig mostly because Omar Khalid is a favorite son of LUMS and he seems to have this legendary reputation there as an extraordinary musician. The kind of awe that OK inspires in LUMS freshies is pretty surprising to me. No doubt OK is an extraordinary musician. But as we all know, he is mostly a choot. Anyway, I was pretty sour-grapes because for once I wasn't hogging all the attention, and for some reason everyone in LUMS seemed to assume that OK was the lead singer of ADP.

I also want to introduce a new character to the cast of ADP. Everyone please welcome Mr. Aamir Rauf, our newly appointed manager. Aamir is a cool, sweet guy. He as a degree in music management from Berklee School of Music. So basically you can all suck his balls.

So here is the chronological, impossibly long self indulgent version of The Great LUMS Trip.

Saturday Morning

6:45 AM: Yasir and I are waiting outside OK's house because he isn't ready. Our flight leaves at 8pm.We have 15 mins to get to the airport. When I called OK in the morning to see if he was up, he faked his consciousness by saying “Haan haan, I'm ready”. I believed him. Until he said “Hey OBA, what time is it?”. This tipped me off to the fact that not only was OK not ready, but he probably hadn't packed either. Anyway, OK finally comes out of the house. As predicted, he admits that the only things he packed last night were...the drumsticks.

7:00 PM: We reach the airport after driving like madmen and hurriedly check in. We discover that some of the VJ's from Aag are also going to Lahore and are on our flight, this includes the impossibly cute VJ Mahirah and the guys from 3-to-5, Yasir J and Raheel. Yasir and I reminisce over the mind numbingly stupid show we did with them last year. Aamir and Rahayl are already there, and as predicted Rahayl is not too pleased that we left him waiting there so long. He has a unique swear word for all of us.

7:30 PM: Security lets most of go through without a problem, some of them assume we're some big time band and are mildly starstruck. This however does not prevent them from stopping big bearded, long haired Rahayl at every chance. I worry about Rahayl's temper. He is one glare away from getting a body cavity search.

8:15PM: We board the plane. Yasir is terrified of flying. When Ali, OK and Rahayl find out about this, they make it their life's mission to make his life miserable.

8:30PM: Ali, OK and Rahayl are loudly inventing different scenarios where the plane crashes and we all die. Yasir is pale in the face and praying to the Almighty. This really is quite evil. But hilarious.

9:30PM: We all land in Lahore and Yasir vows never to fly with us again. At least until Monday.

10:30AM: Lahore is ridiculously hot. And the taxi drivers are ridiculously stupid. The cab that takes us from the airport to the rest house is pretty much a metal box. The entire front dashboard is held together with rope and duct tape. Rahayl has only been to Lahore once so he sits behind me and does the whole Japanese tourist thing.

Rahayl: Ooh whats that?

Me: It a tree.

Rahayl: And oooh what about that.

Me: Another fucking tree.

Rahayl: And what about that??

Me: For the last time Rahayl its a tre...oh...oh yes, you're right..that donkey is rather well endowed.

10:45AM: We reach the rest house. We have three rooms and there are five of us. There is a minor argument about who gets the single room. Using my awesome Jedi Mind Tricks I manage to get the awesome single room, becoming Asshole Lead Singer in the process. Yasir and OK shack up, while the beardy twins Ali and Rahayl take the other room. There is a discussion about whether OK is going to do something horrible to Yasir. At night. In his ass.

12:00PM: We take Rahayl on a tour of Lahore, where we stupidly decide we are going to visit Jehangir Ka Maqbarah (The Tomb of Emperor Jahangir). It is the hottest point of the day and only us stupid Karachiites are out. We see the Canal of Lahore running through the city. Rahayl asks the driver what people do in it. The driver answers “swimming”. But we all know this is code for “masturbate furiously”.

3:00PM: We are supposed to go to LUMS tonight to take part in a Music Conference. OK is supposed to be part of this panel of musicians who will talk about the music industry in Pakistan today while we field questions from the students. OK is not too comfortable in the public speaking role. Yasir takes him aside and gives him pointers, which are more or less along the lines of “Bhai, please don't be a chootiya”. OK writes this down in his notes. “Avoid Chootiya-pah”.

7:00PM: We arrive at LUMS.

7:01PM: Holy shit LUMS girls are hot.

7:25PM: We are taken to the conference room, where we meet Farhad Humayun from Overload and Shahzad Hameed, who is an incredible and highly respected rock'n'roller from the Lahore underground scene. It's a great atmosphere and we're all hanging out in a room, being served refreshments. All of a sudden this dude who looks strikingly like Atif Aslam walks into the room.

7:26PM: We realize Atif Aslam has walked into the room.

7:27PM: Now I know that Atif Aslam is the butt of many peoples jokes and its kinda uncool to like him now. But I'll say this, when he walked into the room, I'm pretty sure all of us were just a teensy bit starstruck. I mean let's face it, the guy is pretty much the biggest non-political, non-sports celebrity in the country. So there is an awkward silence in the room as Atif quietly says hi to everyone. He's accompanied by a bald dude in a tight yellow t-shirt. Kinda like a gay nazi skinhead. Its always weird meeting a big celebrity. You obviously don't want to fawn all over him. But you do want to show some sign of acknowledgement. So you have to strike the perfect level of admiration and coolness. Which is why I said "Hey Atif! I loved Aadat!" and then swiftly punched him in the nuts.

7:28PM: I introduce myself and the rest of the guys to Atif as the Aunty Disco Project. Atif admits he's heard of us but he hasn't heard any of our music. This breaks the ice, and Farhad starts talking about the lack of gigs and some heavy metal band from Karachi who he's recording. I jokingly suggest to Atif that he needs to switch paths and record a death metal album. I am shot a glare by the gay Nazi dude. But Atif is gracious, really polite and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised. He sweats a lot though.

8:00PM: We shoot the shit with the other musicians, and we are told that we're only waiting for Zeb and Haniya to come so that the discussion can begin. I'm looking forward to seeing them again. OK remarks about how far those two have come along, although we started out at the same time. I think we've come along too. I mean here we are at LUMS hanging out with Atif right?

8:30PM: The conference starts, OK looks like a deer in the headlights when the first question gets thrown at him about the state of the music industry in Pakistan. OK is usually pretty eloquent, but since he is not able to use any swear words, he struggles a bit into a rambling answer that has all of us confused as hell. The conference itself was enjoyable in some bits but on the whole it was kind of pessimistic as none of the musicians, maybe with the exception of Zeb and Haniya were as optimistic as we were about the industry. But just being there was a start. There were talks about forming a musicians union, Atif brought up the idea of banning Indian songs from Pakistani airwaves so that our artists would have a chance to grow. Not everyone agreed, but it was an amiable discussion. And OK finally found his groove once he got over the nerves and started answering the questions intelligently.

10:00PM: After the conference, we are asked to come to the LUMS Music Society Jam room where they ask us to perform for them. The jam room is tiny and insanely hot and we're all dying in the heat. But we give it a shot. It was incredible. First Shahzad, Farhad and Rahayl jam out a rocking version of Led Zep's rock'n'roll and then we join in and do “Kiss”. Atif respectfully declines and only manages to play around on the cymbals while I do a version of “Fever” that Ali Alam finds objectionable. Apparently when I sing without a guitar, my hip movements are quite indecent.

11:00PM: It's an incredible night and I feel blessed to be in the company of such wonderful musicians. There's a buzz around campus and everyone is excited about the concert tomorrow. We say our goodbyes and head out to Food Street for dinner.

12:00AM: We now only have one car to take the 7 of us including the driver. We decide to rough it. So like a bunch of circus clowns we pile into a tiny little car and bathe in each others man sweat. Rock N Roll.

12:15AM: I lose all sensation in my right leg. And all reproductive ability.

12:16AM: We reach Food Street and I forget that my right leg has no sensation and I collapse in the middle of the street like Amy Winehouse on New Years Eve. My asshole band members are amused and do not make any effort to help me get up.

1:00AM: Dear lord the food in Lahore is good.

2:00AM: We reach back home and everyone turns in for the night. Tommorow. It's ROCK N ROLL TIME.

Stay tuned for Day 2.......

Official Announcement: Ali Alam has officially joined ADP and officially so has Rahayl Sidikey. Officially.

2009-04-23T12:32:00.000+06:00

Yep, the rumors are true (by rumors, we mean Yasir and me talking and giggling amongst ourselves). Ali Alam has decided to ruin his life by officially joining the Aunty Disco Project as a full time member. This comes as a great relief to me because now we have access to the incredible songs Ali writes without having to plagiarize them and we also have the secret to his lustrous hair/beard combination.

Here were some of Ali's stipulations for joining the band.

1) Fire Yasir (we did it immediately)
2) Just kidding, don't fire Yasir. (oh dear.... this is going to be awkward.)
3) End feud with Ali Zafar (unacceptable)
4) Snacks must be mandatory during jam (accepted)
5) No sexual innuendo during jam (not accepted).
6) Hire a permanent, proper bass player so he can go back to playing guitar

Which leads me to my next bit of news....

Rahayl Sidikey from Mizraab is our new bass player!

Rahayl and I have been playing together for awhile, he's a fantastic bass player and he can play almost any style. He's been playing with Mizraab for over 3 years now and he's also recorded with solo artist Faraz Haider. I first played with him when we were part of Tee-Em's back up band for a Beatles tribute show. Then we played together for my side project "The Big Cheese" and hit it off muscially.

To be honest, we've always been on the lookout for a permanent bass player. Back in the days when Imran was in the band, him and I used to switch instruments midway through the set and then he would sing and play guitar with me on the bass. While this kind of became our trademark, the guys in the band hated it because it broke the flow of the concert and it was awkward and unwieldly. Plus Imran and I were both primarily guitarists so we were make shift bass players rather than proper ones.

I think that kind of bass playing defined our earlier sound. Since Imran and I both thought like guitarists, the bass playing on our earlier songs was more note oriented and punk-ish rather than finding a groove or laying a foundation with the drums. As a result, we always felt that ADP didn't sound as full or as powerful as it should have.

When Ali took over on bass duties, it was the same case, because he's also primarily a guitarist who we had slotted into a bass playing role. This also meant that we were missing out on his services as a guitar player and Ali really is quite an innovative guitarist in his own right.

Enter Rahayl. Originally Rahayl was going to play a one off show with us at Shanaakht where we were scheduled to perform an acoustic set. His playing really filled out our sound, and he was gelling well with the other guys, so after the whole debacle, we all talked about it and offered him a slot. He abused us all and told us that he was only into playing Michael Bolton covers. We were confused since he was the bass player for Pakistan's premier metal band. After cornering him with our superior logic and promising him 72 virgins (thats usually our male fan demographic), we got him to join ADP.

So there you have it everybody, please welcome Ali and Rahayl to the ADP family, I promise you, we're going to be bigger and badder and nuder than ever before.....

An Incredible, Heartwarming Moment...

2009-04-16T10:50:00.000+06:00

The last couple of days have been extremely depressing and frustrating. Until today, when I saw this video.

Unfortunately embedding has been disabled. But it's clip from the show Britains Got Talent, which includes Simon Cowell as one of the judges.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

A 47 year old Scotswoman, who's never been kissed sang for me, and by the end of it, I had tears streaming down my face.

You have to watch this video, it will make your day, and warm the hearts of the most cynical of you :)

The Freedom of Speech and the Price we Pay for it.

2009-04-11T12:06:00.000+05:00

Shanaakht is over

Here's a video of the PPP workers vandalising the Arts Council.

As many of you know by now, The Shanaakht Festival and all the events related to it have been cancelled. The government could not provide assurances of safety and the organizers could not risk the safety of the festival volunteers and attendees.

This has been an extremely painful and frustrating time, especially for those who had been involved in organizing the festival. I attended the press conference where they announced the cancellation amidst a barrage of hostile questioning from the media present. It was heartbreaking to see something that was truly one of the best things to happen in Karachi, something we could hold our heads and be proud of, come to an end.

It has been an even more soul-crippling experience to read some of the comments on the internet and even on this blog by people who have been blaming the organizers for the entire episode. I know the people who were organizing Shanaakht. They are some of the most passionate, and patriotic citizens of this country I have ever had the honor of working with. It is important to me that their integrity should be defended loudly and unequivocally. These people put their lives into organizing this festival, by Pakistanis, for Pakistanis. It was completely open to the public, a chance many people are not willing to take here. These people were genuinely working towards bringing Pakistanis and Karachiities together, to give us something to be proud of, to celebrate our heritage. But these are the people who today we are lambasting from our safe little shells on the internet.

Not only do I support them because I believe in the ABSOLUTE freedom of speech, I support them because I feel it is our duty to support people who set out to do good for this country. However many mistakes they make on the way, we all know that the greater good was always the point of the Shanaakht Festival.

But more importantly it is our moral duty to speak out against those who commit acts of violence and injustice. If we do not, we are just as guilty of perpetrating it. It is not the criticism of the actual photograph that bothers me. People are entitled to their opinion on a piece of work and I wholly encourage healthy debate over it. What has appalled me is the lack of condemnation for the acts of the Pakistan Peoples Party. It's as if people are implying that the protestors could not be blamed for their acts of violence, destruction and intimidation because their feelings had been hurt and their great love for Benazir Bhutto drove them into a self-righteous frenzy of destruction.
Are we so resigned to the fact that we are always going to be a nation of barbarians?
No, I don't think we are a nation of barbarians. Which is why it is so crucial for us to draw a distinction between ourselves and the perpetrators of those violent acts. You cannot support them. You must not.

It has horrified me that somewhere among the educated people of this country, from people who should clearly know right from wrong that there hasn't been a stampede to CONDEMN the violence that we were witness to that day. This should not be something we are debating over. Nor should this be something people should be looking to justify. It is dangerous to even play Devil's Advocate here because it is our moral fabric that is under question. What kind of people are we that would condone a violent attack over somebody's expression?

There are some of you who seem to have gotten the wrong facts over the incident. Here is a huge misconception which must be cleared up.

Nobody had asked the organizers to take down the photograph before the incident. No one had raised any objection. The exhibit had been up since the morning and no one had raised any objections. When the hooligans from the PPP entered the exhibit they immediately removed the photograph themselves and took it with them. They did not make any requests or ask for it to be removed, they simply attacked the exhibition. The notion that the organizers refused to take down the picture when asked to before is absolutely false. This simply did not happen.

It is important to note that had the organizers in fact decided to refuse to take down the photograph, they would have been well within their rights to. They were not doing anything illegal. Whether it was ethical or not is open to debate. but that's exactly what there should have been. A debate. Not a physical attack. This is extremely important for everyone to realize. There is no law in Pakistan that would consider the display of that picture illegal or obscene. We may be a lot of things but we are not China and we are not the United Arab Emirates. Political commentary is still protected speech.

A long time ago, before I decided to throw away my life and become a musician, I was a journalism student, and the issue of free speech has always been a crucial one. I studied journalism in the US. When it comes to the laws on free speech, I admit I am better versed in US law than Pakistani law. But I do know that displaying a picture like the one at Shanaakht, while it may be offensive, is not illegal. It does not fall under the same category as blasphemy. However you would think from the reactions of the PPP and people over the internet that some religious figure had been mocked or insulted. That is not what has happened.

The point I am trying to make here is that freedom of speech is not a clean cut golden shining value that is going to make all of us happy. It is dirty, and messy but it is the most important value we have. It is worth dying for. Freedom of speech doesn't just mean allowing the people who agree with you to speak. Freedom of speech was made for the people who disagree with you.

"Goebbels was in favor of free speech for views he liked. So was Stalin. If you're in favor of free speech, then you're in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise. Otherwise, you're not in favor of free speech"
Noam Chomsky, Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media (1992).

We can't simply cherry pick the freedoms of speech we like and disregard the others. We must learn to accept that when we fight for the right to say what we think, we must be prepared to hear things and see things we may not want to.
It scares me that freedom of speech is such a lowly regarded value here in Pakistan. It's worrying because its not just uneducated people or fanatics who disregard it, it is educated people who are politically and morally conscious. The freedom of expression is the God-given right of every man, woman and child on this planet.
We are Pakistanis who may not have a lot to celebrate but we can celebrate the fact that we can criticize our government and we will not back down when they censor us and we will protest when they block out our news or violate our Constitution. Is this the same country that only a few weeks ago loudly exercised their right to free speech by marching on the government and loudly denouncing it's leaders? Once again, we should be on our hands and knees savoring every moment of the few freedoms we have. Because somewhere in North Korea, there are terrified people who fear for their lives for so much as suggesting regime change. Somewhere in the United Arab Emirates there are activists being whisked away by secret police for daring to criticizie the Draconian laws of the state.

And here we are expressing our opinion on the Internet, freely, without fear of being violently reprisal. And if you cherish this freedom and are willing to fight for it, you must denounce those who try to take it from you. It doesn't matter that you find the photograph at Shanaakht offensive. It doesn't matter if you thought it was art or not. What matters is that it was somebody's expression and no matter what it was, whether you agree with it or not, it is your duty as a Pakistani to stand up and defend their right to say it.

We have a real opportunity for debate and discussion here and while the events of last week are tragic, it will give us an opportunity to talk about it, in a hopefully civilized way. You have my point of view. Now lets hear yours.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
Evelyn Beatrice Hall, writing as S. G. Tallentyre in 1906 (commonly attributed to Voltaire, of whom Hall wrote a biography).

Update: Attack on the Shanaakht Festival

2009-04-09T11:26:00.000+05:00

Details of the Event:

After watching footage from SAMAA TV and speaking to more eyewitnesses, here are some details of the event

The protesters started off as a small group of people who were objecting to the display of the offensive picture. They became increasingly violent, very quickly and after destroying the paintings in the exhibit, they came outside of the hall and started damaging any property they could get their hands on.

The Arts Council had 5 armed guards and the only one who put up any resistance was the oldest one of them, a grey haired gentleman who displayed his gun. The PPP rioters brandished their own weapons but did not fire them and tried to snatch the weapon of the guard who only backed down after his colleagues persuaded him to.

The most striking image for me was Sharmeen Obaid (founder of CAP) standing at the entrance of the hall pleading with rioters to calm down and not destroy the signs and the exhibits. The rioters were visibly threatening, brandishing weapons and using extremely vulgar language, ordering that the entire Arts Council be shut down. This was in the presence of several women, young students and senior citizens.

The camera footage showed them clearly ripping up signs, turning over tables, kicking down tent poles and creating mayhem. Eyewitnesses say that the protestors came up to them and personally threatened their lives saying "we know who you are, we've seen you on TV, we are going to kill you for what you have done"

Here is the disturbing part. The police arrived on the scene almost immediately. Four to five mobiles were standing outside and several armed policemen were inside the premises. They did nothing. The video footage clearly showed them standing back and ignoring the PPP rioters as they destroyed public and private property. Keep in mind that the initial number of rioters was quite small and could easily have been overpowered by the police force.

Not content to destroy the art exhibit, the protesters then broke the windows of the Arts Council offices that were thankfully closed and unoccupied at the time.

Response and Appearance on SAMAA TV:

There were several major news channels that were on the spot with cameras covering the exhibition. Not a single TV channel displayed any footage of the attack save for Samaa TV. While Geo TV ran a ticker briefly saying an art festival had been attacked and erroneously reporting that shots had been fired, they stopped running it after a few minutes and did not follow up on the story. I personally knew a Dawn TV cameraman who was on the spot filming the entire thing who submitted it to the editorial board who chose not to run it. It was a complete failure on the part of the television news. There was no information out until 10pm on SAMAA TV, where TV Personality Faisal Qureshi had Amean J, (photographer/ main organizer and curator for the exhibit) appear on his show to discuss the events. After playing the footage and hearing Amean's version of it, Qureshi contacted Shehla Raza, spokesperson for the Pakistan People's Party.

Ms. Raza then proceeded to berate The Citizens Archive for allowing that picture to go up and launched into long speech about the glory of Benazir Bhutto. Amean apologized on the behalf of CAP and said it was not their intention to offend any person or party. This was not good enough for Raza, who repeatedly laid the blame for the events on the shoulders of CAP.

When repeatedly asked by the host if her party had gone too far in its response, Raza responded "logon ke jazbaat bharak jaatey haain…theek hai inhon ne maafi mangee, laikin inko nahin lagani chahiye thee"

("People can get emotional, he is apologizing now, but they should never have put the picture up in the first place")

Here is the version of the events from Dawn this morning.

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/news/pakistan/sindh/protestors-attack-festival-at-karachis-art-council--szh

It's crucial to note the PPP's official stance, this is what spokesperson Waqar Mehdi had to say

"Anything that is religiously or politically controversial should not be displayed. It should be acceptable to all. Even if offensive pictures of Altaf Hussain or Nawaz Sharif were displayed, we would oppose it. Our party believes in freedom of expression, but that does not mean it should be a free-for-all. People’s feelings should not be hurt."

Thoughts

What is really disturbing about the comments from the PPP is that they have basically equated political commentary to blasphemy. The punishment for blasphemy in Pakistna is death. Is this to be the punishment for political commentary as well?

Until we stop canonizing leaders and let this feudal, herd mentality prevail in our political party system, we have no hope for political discourse or free speech.

Personally, watching the SAMAA TV interview, I was consumed with uncontrollable rage and grief. I tried desperately to call their hotline and speak on the air but the phone lines were jammed. I was initally not happy that CAP offered to apologize for their actions, I could not believe that the victims had to apologize. But I know that when Amean apologized he truly believed that the greater good of making the show go on, and making sure people go along with us was in everybody's interest.

While there are reports that the show is going to continue, I have not received official word from the organizers yet. They are visibly heartbroken and extremely shaken by the events yesterday. We have already pledged that we will perform as scheduled should they choose to continue and I hope the other artists wil too, because it is the only way we can fight back.

Update : Here is a link to the offending picture on Teeth Maestros Blog.

The PPP attacks the Shanaakht Festival, destroys the exhibit at the Arts Council

2009-04-08T21:27:00.001+05:00

We have just been informed that a few hours ago, around 7:30 pm Pakistan time, a large mob of PPP activists stormed the Arts Council which was hosting the Shanaakht Festival. The mob was protesting the display of a photograph in the art exhibit section that showed a photo-shopped image of Benazir Bhutto sitting in the lap of General Zia-Ul-Haq.

The mob destroyed the entire exhibit and physically threatened the workers of The Citizens Archive and all the volunteers/workers for the Shanaakht Festival.

We were slated to perform on the final day of the festival along with Fuzon, Noori, Taal Karisma and The Kolachi Quartet. As of right now,all the events for all the days of the Shanaakht Festival, has been cancelled.

Now that I've given you the news, I can't begin to tell you depth of the anger me and my band members are feeling. The Shanaakht Festival is extremely close to our hearts as well as the people organizing it. We performed at the original one and we were looking forward to sharing the stage with our idols Noori and Fuzon. We are sitting in my living room, and I have been on the verge of tears on numerous occasions. Some of my closest friends were in The Arts Council when they were attacked by the mob. According to them, the more they pleaded with the mob to stop the more they destroyed.

There is no difference between the militants in the North and the Pakistan People's Party today. None. We have two groups of people who have spread a doctrine of hate, intolerance and violence. The people who were putting this show together have been working at it for the last 2 years. It was by the people of Pakistan for the people of Pakistan. The theme of the show was 'identity' and we were looking to establish, ro take back the Pakistani identity. I guess all we have to show for it now is an identity of violence and victimization.

If the show goes on Aunty Disco Project will perform. We stand right behind The Citizens Archive and Sharmeen Obaid.

I feel personally attacked. We cannot believe that the concern of our parents which we keep dismissing has been vindicated. They have attacked our show, and our people, our friends.

For those of you who are going to come and say that it was stupid to put that picture up in the first place, you may be justified in your thinking, but there is NO justification for the kind of violence that happened as a result.

Today they attacked ART. They attacked culture and humanity. But worst of all, they attacked and threatened innocent people who were trying to do something good for this country.

I have no more words, except my love and support to the people of The Citizens Archive.

Showdown With Ali Zafar

2009-03-18T10:56:00.000+05:00

As many of you have been following, Ali Zafar and I have been feuding over the internet for the past couple of months or so, creating an epic battle of Kanye vs 50 Cent proportions. By feud I mean I have been posting ridiculous rumours about him and he has been well..pretty nice actually.

But all this was about to change.

I was in Lahore this past weekend for a friends wedding and on my flight back to Karachi, who should I encounter at the departure gate? None other than my nemesis

Ali

The

Zafar.

How it happened:

Upon seeing Ali Zafar I shouted..."Yo! Choot ass! I hear you been talking shit about me?!"

Ali Zafar then responded "Aunty Disco Bitch! I am going to rape you!"

I dropped my luggage and then ran towards him, while he dropped his teddy bear and hustled towards me delicately on his tippy toes. Face to face, we angrily confronted each other.

Ali Zafar: "Before this day is over, I am going to make you taste my wrath"
Me: "Before this day is over, I am going to make you taste my balls".

Then I wrestled him to the ground and beat him with my shoe while airport security cheered on.

How it really happened:

I was sitting at the departure gate when I saw a dude with a guitar case briskly walking towards the boarding are, and recognised him as Ali Zafar. Ali turned around and looked at me, and kinda cocked his head to the side and gave me a look of recognition. Then I got up to meet him, feeling slightly awkward, keeping in mind that I had previously accused him of several different types of STD's in my blog. So I walked up to him and gave him a man-hug then he looked at me and sincerely asked, "Why you got a problem with me bro?"
To which I sheepishly replied, "I dunno, I guess cuz' I thought you had a problem with me"
Ali looked hurt and said, "No man, why would I have a problem with you? I love you man..."
I smiled back, and choking back tears said "I love you too...man!"

Then we embraced in a passionate lip-lock and fell the to ground while airport security cheered on.

OK OK...so this is what really happened

So Ali and I met at the airport departure lounge and I gotta say, the guy is a complete gentleman. He was on his way to Karachi for Coke Studio and seemed genuinely excited about the whole thing. He mentioned that he'd heard our stuff and was really encouraging telling me to stick with it, because we'd all been through rejections and bad recordings. I really appreciated it and he really made me feel like I was part of this music industry fraternity.

It is also worth mentioning that I ran into Ali Noor the same weekend at a restaurant ( I guess Lahore really is pretty tiny) and he too was really encouraging and welcoming and seemed genuinely interested in what was going on with ADP. I know I've got a long way to go before I get to the level of these guys, but it was really nice to be acknowledged by people you look up to.

Both Ali Noor and Zafar are coming to Karachi to be a part of Coke Studio, along with our friends Zeb and Haniya. I guess I'm over my dissappointment at not making it this time, but I wish them all the best time in my city and I really am looking forward to seeing how it turns out. It sounds crazy exciting.

Does this mean I have to stop posting rumours about Ali Zafar on my blog? Well I thought about this, I don't think he'll mind, he's been an awfully good sport about this fake feud so far. But it is always going to be a little awkward meeting a guy who you have accused of sexual deviation on a public forum.

Thoughts on the music industry

2009-03-11T11:18:00.000+05:00

The ADP boys are having to evaluate the current situation we're in and make some serious decisions. The music industry has been hit pretty hard, just like every other industry, the corporate sponsors aren't there, concert attendances are dwindling and generally there's a real stagnation in the Pakistani music scene. The truth of the matter is, we're not getting paid the kind of money we were getting last year, sponsors are simply locking up their budgets.

I see a real opportunity here for the scene to get better, be more independent and learn to create openings for itself. I think this is a great time to be writing new music. Most other artists have simply shelved their current projects because they have been told not to release anything anytime soon. Most of the other industry big wigs are busy doing Coke Studio, so this is a great opportunity for underground bands to really perfect their act and fill in the concert gap. And I'm happy to see that a lot of them are.

But for us, we're kind of caught neither here nor there. We're better known than most local bands by virtue of getting our music videos on air, so we've kind of managed to shake that underground band label. But at the same time we're not really mainstream, because of the simple fact that our product, i.e. our recorded songs are simply not up to the commercial standard that they should be. I intend to remedy this situation very quickly.

Creatively, we are going through a great period. A couple of months ago, we made a conscious decision to have a more democratic songwriting process instead of me just writing out the entire thing in one go. So our jams have been really fruitful and small riffs or chord progressions are being turned into complete songs, which I find really fulfilling. Omar Khalid is contributing actively, not just on the drums but with song structure and bass notes. Plus we've got Ali Alam, another gifted songwriter who's always there to flesh out the song. Of course lyrics are still a problem but I hope I'm getting better.

The other exciting development is that we're shifting away from using the darbuka for Yasir and having him play keyboards. While we haven't got anything concrete yet, it's a completely different dynamic to have a keyboard sound in the band and it's been really exciting for us to experiment and see what we can come up with. The resulting songs we're writing are really upbeat and...dare I say it...danceable. I think we've collectively moved on from moody music and are making a conscious effort to make stuff that's lighter and more fun. More on that later...when I talk about 'Laal'

The Second Floor

As most of you know The Second Floor Cafe on Khayaban-E-Ittehad is a place that's really close to my heart. I've hosted Open-Mic Nights and given people opportunities to hold their first ever performances there, I've also performed there on my own. To me it's the perfect little place to showcase upcoming talent and generally meet with like-minded people. I've met so many interesting people through virtue of the T2F shows, we've almost become a community, of artists, photographers, poets, musicians and social workers, it really has been one of the places that helps me believe in Karachi and the people in it. Unfortunately the landlord has decided to evict them and now they need money to buy a new location. I contributed by organizing a series of musical performances through the month of March with upcoming talent to raise money. For me it's been extremely rewarding and the bands we're showcasing are some of the most exciting underground bands out there. Plus we have one final Open Mic night, where I hope to find even more wildly talented people.

I hope any of you reading in Karachi will turn out to the shows to support the cause. It really is something special and I don't want to see it shut down. All the events are Rs. 250 (minimum donation) and the bands playing are as follows

Friday March 6th : 7 on 3rd (they played an amazing show, more about them later)

Thursday March 12th: Rachel's Plan B

Friday March 20th: FLAM!

Monday 23rd March: Open Mic Night

Friday 27th March: "The Big Cheese" (this is my side project, covers band...yep more on them later..."

I know that ADP has been really lucky to get to the position we're in right now, and we did it on our own, bypassing the usual industry system. But for me, it'll all be useless if I can't do anything to make the underground scene better. It's not enough to merely make it on your own, for me it has to be 'If we can do it, so can you, and this is how..." One thing I feel musicians lack here is real camaraderie. We're all in such a constant state of competition because there are such few opportunities to go around. Plus Pakistani fans tend to be extreme in their support which polarizes a lot of people. It's like you can only love one artist at the expense of hating another...for e.g. "I LOVE ATIF ASLAM...ALI ZAFAR SUCKS" or "MAUJ ARE WAY BETTER THAN ADP, I HATE THEM, THOSE SHEEP-FUCKERS".

Another thing I've noticed is that every time there's a show where more than one act is performing, members of one band will not come out to see the others play. Main acts refuse to see the opening acts play, and if they do, they usually make fun of them. I remember earlier on in the ADP days, we opened for Saijd and Zeeshan who were my heroes, and they simply left after soundcheck, not waiting to watch us perform. I was absolutely heartbroken. Now I'm sure they had their reasons but in the end it just ruined what I had hoped to be an amazing moment. The fact of the matter is that established acts do very little to help out the younger ones. Sure they might let you open for them at a college or university, but are they giving you constructive criticism or giving you tips on how to go about recording your album? Are they going to put in a good word for you with their sponsors? No. Not because they're mean, but because our industry just pits everyone against each other to grab whatever limited resources there are. Performing or promoting another band means less of the sponsorship money, less of the concert crowd there to see you and less of the media attention.

Now I'm not asking us musicians to all hold hands and sing 'Kumbaya'. but I feel that promoting the musical industry as a whole can only help us collectively, not hurt us individually. While I may not be a highly established act now, if I ever do become one, I'll make sure no one will be able to say I never did anything to help the underground scene.

1 year of The PPP

2009-02-26T14:22:00.001+05:00

I'm not a political blogger, my friends over at Five Rupees take care of that, but I wanted to share this hilarious video of Pakistani stand-up comedian Sami Shah doing a parody of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire" celebrating 1 year of the PPP government. Good times.

Why Musicians Make Horrible Boyfriends.

2009-02-19T11:25:00.001+05:00

1)We won't get you monetary gifts for your birthday or Valentines. Instead we will totally cop out and write you a song. It is cool the first time. But then every subsequent year it gets worse. Especially when we get a friend to add rap to it.

2)We will secretly look down on you for not knowing as much about music as us. If in fact you do know more than us, we will break up with you and find someone stupider. So you have to feign surprise/interest/wonderment every time we introduce a new artist to you or lecture you on the genius of Jeff Buckley etc.

3)We will plot your demise if you admit to liking any other musician.

4)You have to show up to all our gigs. Every single one. We also expect to get lucky after every performance.

5)We are constantly looking for drama in the relationship so we can write songs about it. So if our relationship is going pretty well, we will imagine a story about you running off with a pack of alcoholic midgets and breaking our heart. Remember, a happy musician is a bad musician.

6)There is a high probability that we will steal song lyrics from great singers and write them for you claiming them to be our own words. (Actually that one applies to boys in general, always Google the poems on your love letters!)

7)We will be patronizing whenever you talk to us about music. “Yes sweetie, this is my wah-pedal, haha, yeah baby I know its a funny name, haha, you're cute when you're stupid”

8)Musicians are genetically predisposed to have no concept of time. So we will never show up anywhere on time. Also we will never give you an accurate idea of how much time we are going to need. But here is a helpful scale.

When We Say	We Actually Mean
5 minutes	15 minutes
15 minutes	1 hour
1 hour	Tommorow

9) We will always have songs written about ex-girlfriends. And those songs will never go away. Deal with it.

10) No matter how stupid, insincere or plain irritating they may seem, we will always abandon you if there are groupies.

Ali Zafar is totally reading my blog.

2009-02-07T11:45:00.000+05:00

Hah! Can you believe it?! It seems my childish ploy to get attention from a celebrity has worked. Feast your eyes upon this shoutout from Ali Zafar on his blog

http://www.alizafar.net/blog/2009/02/03/old-aunties-and-young-boys/

So there you have it. Ali Zafar is totally reading my blog. And apparently the name of my band reminds him of the time when him and his buddies used to chloroform some older women and bone the shit out of them.

Now I was hoping that he would take the bait and start a Kanye West / 50 cent style feud, but he was all gracious and shit and invited us over to his house for a jam whenever we're in town.

OH REALLY ALI ZAFAR.

Well as it turns out I was IN Lahore when you had this so called awesome jam with all your rockstar buddies. We got NO CALL for jam...

And to further twist the knife, it turns out Ali Noor attended it. Which means that Ali Noor totally LIED to us when he told us he was gonna come see us perform at our Nandos show. So there you have it folks. Ali Noor blew off Aunty Disco Project for party at Ali Zafars. Your loss Ali Noor! I hear the chicken was totally dee-lish.

So now I'm feuding with both the blogging Ali's from Lahore. When they come to Karachi, I will organize a massive jam with all my buddies. And I won't invite Ali Noor or Ali Zafar. That's right! All the cool people will be there including the below mentioned;

Asif Chandio
Sherry B
Zubeida (yes we know one girl)
Bibi Razia (the maasi).
Ali Azmat. Ok maybe he wont come.

Point being that you will be excluded. Taste my wrath.

Pictures from the Peeru's Cafe show

2009-02-07T11:03:00.000+05:00

I know this isn't a facebook account, but I still wanted to share these pictures just so that you guys can see what an incredible venue Peeru's Cafe really is.

Pictures Courtesy Syed Yasir Hasan.

Aunty Disco Project: Our First Concert In Lahore.

2009-02-04T01:43:00.000+05:00

As many of you are aware, we went to Lahore this past weekend to perform two shows, on in Peeru's Cafe and one in Nando's Lahore, which was a follow up to the Nando's Karachi gig. The following is my blog post about the day we performed at Peeru's Cafe, making our Lahore debut. It's really long and written in present, but there was no other way I could do justice to it. So here you go.

Saturday January 31^st, 2009

9:00 AM: I have only slept 3 hours and am woken up by a call from City FM89 confirming our radio interview at their Lahore station. I have no idea what I said but I was conscious enough to write down “2pm radio interview”. I go back to sleep. Lahore is cold and the blanket is warm.

10:00 AM: Call from Ali Alam asking the plan. I politely answer that I will call him back with the plan.

10:01 AM: Call from Yasir asking the plan. I tell him to suck my balls and hang up.

12:30 PM: My guilt over suggesting oral sex to Yasir catches up with me and I finally wake up. I call Omar Khalid, who is surprisingly awake, and even more surprisingly chirpy. He tells me he's at LUMS taking a trip down memory lane, ie. Omar is standing in the middle of campus checking out the freshmen. I was once told that LUMS has some of the hottest girls in the country all together in one place. I am envious and I hope he gets thrown out like Jazz from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

1:00 PM: I'm staying at my friend Asad's house, and he's graciously lent me a driver and car for the length of my stay in Lahore. The tea at Asad's house seems to be made in a nuclear reactor because it never gets cold. Ever. After a half an hour the damned mug is still the surface of the sun. Asad's cook and driver smirk at the pussy from Karachi who's waiting for his cup to cool.

1:45 PM: I pick up Ali Alam and get to the City FM89 where we're greeted by station manager Saami. Our interview with Fiza went pretty well, except that nobody knew who the hell we were and I think out of the 4 ticket giveaways we did for the Peeru's show, I think only one person availed them. Oh well. Otherwise the interview was a lot of fun, with us having a “who can sound sexiest on the radio” competition and me once again issuing a fake challenge to Ali Zafar to show up at our show.

3:00 PM: I am asked to do a voice-over for “Bata Shoes”, because apparently the lahori RJ's pronunciation of “Bata” wasn't satisfactory. So they needed a Karachiite to do it. Smirk Smirk. Snooty Snooty me.

3:25 PM: We discover that Saami is a huge movie buff and for the next hour we sit around trading discussions on Kubrick, Japanese Horror, Kung Fu movies and Quentin Tarantino. Saami is absolutely hilarious, re-enacting the most ridiculous scenes from a bunch of movies. It ends with him and me seeing who could do the best Al Pacino impression. (I win with my recreation of the classic line from 'Heat' “Cuz' she got a GREEAAAAAATTTT ASSSS! And your head halfway up it”.)

4:15PM: We grab lunch in Liberty market trying to kill time before we leave for Peeru's cafe. Looking all over for a Lahori restaurant so that we can get the real Lahori experience. Unfortunately we only see Karachi based “Bundoo Khan”. The other option is a place called (I kid you not) “Biryani Xtreme”. We're pretty sure this will cause potty xtreme so we look around a little more and settle on “New Tikka Corner. It occurs to me that we look so out of place as four dudes who are obviously from out of town. Ali Alam is sporting his scarf and open fuzzy hair look along with his famed red/pink Converse sneakers. Omar Khalid is wearing a suit jacket and jeans and looks like an art collector. I'm wearing a 50's style beige bomber jacket and here we are in the middle of Liberty market eating tikka boti, anxiously hoping that we don't get shit on by the crows. We're immediately impressed with the electronic parking token machine in the Liberty parking lot and we circle around it marveling at how the Lahoris have progressed and how this machine would have already been stolen and sold for profit in Karachi.

5:45 PM: The trek to Peeru's Cafe begins. It takes us about half an hour to get there from downtown Lahore. It amuses me how Lahori's consider a half an hour drive to be an insanely long distance. Half an hour is kinda average for everyone in Karachi. (Insert superiority complex here).

6:00 PM: After 3 near collisions with two cars and a donkey cart, we realize that our driver is fucking batshit insane.

6:30 PM: Peeru's Cafe is this beautiful, magical place and we're all absolutely stunned by what we see. It's about an acre of land with a Museum of Puppetry, a sprawling, green outdoor cafe and a giant amphitheater. We look inside and our jaws drop. The stage, the lights, the seating, its just incredible, We can't believe our luck. Plus the sound guys are already there and waiting. They've already set up the drum-kit and placed it on a riser. The boys and I are over the moon looking at the venue. Look at the pictures and you'll know why.

7:10 PM: Walking along the lush green lawns at Peeru's, we encounter three 14 year old kids and we hear them whisper “is that the Aunty Disco Project”. Thinking them to be young fans who've showed up to early, I greet them with a big smile and say”Yes yes, we're ADP, you kids here to see the show?”. Turns out these kids were the show. They were the opening act. Other three band members point at me and laugh.

7:15 PM: The name of the opening act is “Borstal Escape” and these kids were barely more than 13 or 14 years old. But they were all energy and rock'n'roll. They even had a single groupie girl, which according to Ali Alam is a must for every high school band. I don't remember having a single groupie girl in high school. Come to think of it, I don't think we even have one now. So they look like kids, we weren't expecting much. But at sound check, these little fuckers take the stage and proceed to rock the hell out of the amphitheatre. It was only a sound check, but these kids played like they were at Lollapalooza. They had all the stage moves down, jumping up and down, hammering out the power chords, shredding guitar solos. Their drummer was this bundle of energy, in fact I don't remember his name, all I know is that they referred to him as “Vehshee” which is Punjabi for “barbarian”.The boys and I look at each other and smile uneasily, simultaneously being very impressed and also realizing that there was a real possibility that we, the mighty Aunty Disco Project could get upstaged by a bunch of teenagers playing Metallica covers.

7:30 PM: We start our soundcheck in an empty stage, and its one of the best, most relaxed soundchecks we've ever done. The sound guy knows his shit and on our first run through, we're literally shocked at how good it sounds. For the first time we can hear everything all of us our playing individually and the venue has this beautiful, warm natural reverb that really makes the sound come alive. We've become so used to playing in tiny venues and cramped spaces that hearing ourselves sound like this huge rock band is exhilarating. Just then they turn on the lights and we're bathed in rays of blue, red and green and a slithering cloud of smoke. It's truly magical. I actually get a lump in my throat.

7:31 PM: Yasir ruins everything by complaining that he can't hear the darbuka. Now Yasir is generally never happy with his sound anywhere and the rest of us just kind of play along till he gets it right. Usually we can find no discernible difference. But we were getting visibly irritated because no matter what the sound guy tried, Yasir could not be satisfied. Usually by this time I tend to lose it with him and just force him to play as it is, but I didn't want to kill the vibe so I just left him to his own devices. Omar took a similar approach and just wordlessly played along with Yasir's requests to check the sound again.

7:45 PM: Everything looks and sounds great. Yasir is still not happy. Ali, Omar and me converge to decide what would be the best way to shove the darbuka up Yasirs butthole.

8:00 PM: This was the time we had officially put on the event. So we were chilling out. The temperature has suddenly dropped and we start freezing. The venue is outdoors with a marquee on top so we really have no place to go. And the Peeru's guys wont let us near the bonfire in the cafe area because we don't have reservations. So much for rockstar status.

8:30 PM: By now we are resembling something from a Russian novel, the four of us are huddled together, shivering from the cold which is getting unbearably worse and getting more tense as showtime approaches. No one has shown up yet, but we keep telling ourselves its too early.

9:00PM: The opening act take the stage and play to an empty auditorium. I feel bad for the kids because no one has shown up, but it doesnt seem to faze them at all. They rock out playing some AC/DC and a demonic cover of Metallica's “Seek and Destroy”. Sure their guitars are too loud, their vocals incoherent and drums out of sync, but man can they put on a show. Their lead singer who we christened “Chota Hetfield” was aping his idol right down to Hetfields' signature hunch over the mic and low slung guitar. I genuinely loved these kids, they totally rocked out with complete abandon. Watch out for them when they're 18.

9:30PM: No one has shown up. I'm trying my best to project outward calm but its not working and Ali Alam is constantly reassuring me that people show up late in Lahore. Omar Khalid is keeping to himself, and Yasir is sulking because we gave him a group yelling over the soundcheck.

9:45PM: We are being given a crash course in Lahori punctuality because still no one has shown up. The Peeru's authorities are beginning to pressure us into starting and I keep resisting. Yasir keeps coming up to me and asking me what to do. The five guys who have shown up keep shooting me anxious looks to start the show. I can't be around anyone at this point, so I take off for a long walk, trying to clear my head and calm myself down. I'm feeling horribly nauseous and bitter. Everyone in the venue is asking me what to do and I'm telling them to wait, but they keep pressing.

10:00PM: Peeru's announces that ADP is starting in 5 mins, effectively taking the decision out of my hands. A small crowd that has gathered in the cafe area starts making their way to the amphitheater. I stalk off on my own to go to the loo. Omar, Ali and Yasir take the stage and I can hear them warming up as a cheer goes off from the crowd.

10:05PM: While I'm outside the tent gulping down huge chunks of air, the noise in the amphitheatre seems to be getting louder. It seems like the crowd has just started to come in. I'm suffering from an unusual case of stage fright, I'm always tense before a show but its usually positive energy. But this time I am a complete wreck. My legs don't feel sturdy enough to hold me up, my hand are freezing and my fingers aren't moving fast enough. I'm hoping the rest of the band doesn't see me like this and am willing myself to go on stage and join them. This was definitely the worst case of jitters I've had, I can't describe how excruciatingly horrible it was, I felt like my entire body was shutting down on me.

10:15 PM: I finally close my eyes, say a prayer and walk inside the tent. A couple of my friends in the audience spot me and yell out my name. It doesn't help at all. So I just flash them a pained smile and keep my head down and make my way to the stage. Everyone probably thinks I'm such a prima donna by being the last one on stage. It's freezing cold on stage and my band members seem miles away from me on this huge platform. We've got a decent crowd in their and people are still coming in. I grab the neck of my guitar and I relax a little as I run my hands up and down the string. I switch on the amp and wait for the warm electronic hum to come through. I'm not looking at either of the guys. I take out the scrawled setlist from my back pocket. The first song is “Kiss”. I realize that I'm really uncomfortable, so I take of my jacket and a wave of cold hits me. It's showtime. The crowd is getting restless. I play one quick strum of the opening chord. Its Fmajor. I look over at Yasir and nod, I look to the right and do the same with Ali. I look back at OK and wait for the go ahead. He nods at me. I shuffle across to the mic and announce.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we're the Aunty Disco Project, and this is KISS”

one...two...three.....FOUR!

10:16PM: The moment I hit that first chord, all my tension melts away. We tear into our cover of “Kiss” and a huge roar erupts from the crowd. The song is upbeat, it's sexy and we play it tight as hell, the crowd is moving along to the beat and cheering at all the right moments. Suddenly its not cold anymore. The stage narrows down and there's this huge glow in the room. “Kiss” goes off without a hitch and the crowd loves it.

10:20 PM: I riff around the guitar for a bit and then I start the signature opening riff of “Sultanat”. The guitar sounds beautiful, loud and clear with the notes soaring high and cutting though the winter air. We play a ferocious version of “Sultanat” with OK being particularly brutal on the skins. We're playing as if our lives depended on it. It is a sonic assault and even though a lot of people in the crowd aren't familiar with the song, you can see them reacting to it. The energy on stage gets to a boiling point and Ali and me let loose. We end Sultanat with an extended, crashing finale and I windmill my arm at breakneck speed over the guitar drawing ecstatic cheers from the crowd. As the song ends, I want to collapse, I've spent nearly all my energy on this one.

10:25 PM: We power through the rest of the setlist including Tainted Love, Shehar Kay Aansoo, Likhta Nahin Mein and Rock The Casbah, where we finally released Yasir and his darbuka onto the unsuspecting audience who are wowed by his effortless interplay with OK's drums. I'm surprised that people are liking Likhta Nahin Mein so much, and theres a couple of guys in the last row dancing along to it.

10:30 PM: We do Ali's songs, although mid set, Ali vetoes the playing of “Dhoonda Taaron Mein” because we are so desperate to keep the energy levels high. We breeze past “Raat Jaagi” and struggle a bit through “Hum Na Rahey” because OK is clearly getting tired and beginning to cramp. We move to “Nazar” to give him a rest.

10:45PM: I perform an uncharacteristically dramatic version of “Nazar”. The lights go dim and the smoke machine spurts out. Now usually “Nazar” is a cue for everyone in the audience to start talking, but this time, there was palpable silence which was slightly unnerving for me. I also discovered that after yelling out the first 8 songs, my voice was giving way and the high notes were beginning to sound hoarse. Beads of sweat kept dripping down my head and onto my guitar. It was then that I realized my fingers were burning. I couldn't believe people in the audience were actually singing along to the chorus. It was a beautiful feeling and when I finally brought the song down to a hushed whisper in the end, the crowd erupted in heartfelt applause.

10:50PM: We start winding up the show by pulverizing the audience with our versions of “Womanizer”and “Baba O'Reilly”. I realize that the burning in my hands is because I have torn open a gash in my little finger and thumb from slamming my hand into the guitar strings. Its also kind of gross to see that the volume knob on my guitar is bloody.

11:10 PM: We announce we're going to end with our brand new unreleased song “Mujhey Sahara Do” and it is a huge success. People start singing along to the chorus and bopping their heads up and down. Ali and me move to the side of the stage so that Yasir can pull out his final incredible darbuka solo and him and OK take turns at wowing the audience who are absolutely thrilled to see this percussion battle. We build up to a frantic climax ending in a wall of noise with crashing drums and screeching guitars and the crowd is on their feet yelling themselves hoarse.

11:30 PM: The crowd isn't ready to let us go just yet. Screaming for an encore, they chant our name repeatedly. I'm exhausted and my hands are throbbing. I look over at OK and he's clearly sent but he's grinning from ear to ear, savoring the moment. We get back on stage and Yasir starts our encore, “Sympathy For The Devil”

11:45PM: A long and emotional cheer goes up from the crowd as we slam the final chord and I leap off the drum riser and nearly collapse on stage. They're all on their feet yelling, clapping and cheering. It isn't a huge crowd, but they are loud enough to sound like we're at LiveAid. It's an emotional moment for me as I look over at the guys and think of how far we've come and even though we've got a long way to go, this will be a special moment. The show was incredible. We played out of our skins. I have never been prouder of my brothers, my band. We did it. We played the show of our lives.

Advice for underground bands.

2009-01-27T10:32:00.000+05:00

I've been in and out of bands ever since I was 16 years old, and I've played some really incredible shows along with some really shitty ones. Over the years, I've seen a lot of audiences and venues. Now a great gig is a combination of many things, you need to have good sound, the crowd has got to be enthusiastic and the band has to be in the right mood. One thing we never have control over is that unnamed factor, I suppose I would have to define it as 'chemistry', where the energy between the band and the crowd is just right, and it makes all the difference between a good show and an incredible show.

With ADP, I can count on one hand the number of 'incredible' shows we've had, out of the 50 odd times we've performed, which either goes to show you how much we suck or how elusive that extra bit of brilliance is to find. And we keep searching for it, because the high you get after an incredible show is one that lasts for days and no other feeling compares to it.

Sure luck is something we all need. but every time I go to an underground show, I see a lot of the newer guys making some very basic mistakes and pissing off the crowd. Here's a couple of tips to underground bands to make sure you put on a great show every time. Some of them sound really basic but these are practices that ADP's adopted almost as policy.

1) Write a setlist.

This might sound like a no-brainer but there are so many bands out there that just have the song list in their head and then forget it when they're on stage. The result is that you have a bunch of dudes on stage scratching their heads to collectively agree on what the next song is. Write out a setlist with a big marker and make individual copies for each band member so that everyone on stage knows whats coming next and launch right into it. This ties in with my next tip...

2) Don't waste time in between songs.
Ugh, this one really gets me. So you've just played a rocking song, the crowd is sweaty and delirious from the sonic pounding they've received. And then the guitarist starts fiddling with his amp/ 15 pedals. The singer starts looking for lyrics sheets for the next song. The drummer starts playing irritating fills because drummers are like that and wont shut up. The bassist takes out his cell phone and checks for messages. End result = you lose the crowd and allow them to focus elsewehere. Now every time you start a new song you have to win them over again.

Concerts for me are like a big ball of energy thats being tossed back and forth between the band and the crowd. Everytime someone catches that ball of energy it grows bigger. But when you waste time, it's like you've dropped the energy ball, and now you have to start again to build it up to where it was.

So all you aspiring guitar heroes out there, keep your guitar effects to a minimum of three pedals that you can handle, know your amp setting stone cold before you go on stage. Singers, stop being pussies and learn the lyrics, no one ever looked cool holding up a sheet of A4 size paper in front of their face(although I have been guilty of doing this myself at acoustic shows) If you forget lyrcs, make something up, it's still better. Drummers, (this is a universal plea) please shut the fuck up when you're not playing a song.

And if you don't love rock'n'roll enough to turn your damn cell phone off when you're on stage you should quit music and kill yourself.

3) Guitarists, always use an amp and mic it wherever possible.

Most sound guys in Pakistan will discourage you from miking your amp. Don't listen to them. They're all choots. A guitar amp will always always always sound better than directly plugging in through a pedal or a amp-simulator. Sound techs in Pakistan just dont know how to handle miking. So ask them to give you a microphone and set it about 6 inches away from the amp speaker cabinet and point the mic at a 45 degree angle to the speaker cone. You'll get a rich, warm tone and you'll be able to hear yourself better on stage.

4) Don't be a choot during the soundcheck.

While sometimes its ok to tell the sound guy that he's full of shit, most of the time, you need to keep him happy. Go up to the sound tech an introduce yourself, and tell him the set-up your band needs so that he's prepared well ahead of time. For sound check, don't yell orders and complain the moment you hear the sound at the mic. It takes time to set the sound and nobody has the time to put up with snotty little kids yelling that their guitar isnt loud enough. Here' s the order in which you sound check.

- Drums. Starting from the bass to snare to toms.
- Bass.
- Keyboards
- Guitars
- Additional Percussion
- Vocals.

Do everything one by one till each member is satisfied with their individual sound and monitors. The for sound check PLAY A COMPLETE SONG. Don't just dick around for a jam. We usually do "Sultanat" or some Beatles song to check all our levels. Play at full energy and volume. And then stop. Ask everyone if they're happy. Whoever isn't, fix their levels individually while the rest of the band shuts up.

5) Don't criticize the crowd.

Look we all know crowds can be shitty, sometimes they can be just boring and apathetic and even downright hostile. You're not going to win them over by shouting "This is the most pathetic crowd I've ever seen"...or taunting them with "What are you guys dead or something?". Remember these people paid to see you, or at least a show. If they're not in the mood, its up to you to get them into it.

6) Don't acknowledge mistakes on stage.

Of course we fuck up. Everyone does. Its going to happen. In ADP, I remember when we first started, our personal philosophy was "Turn it up and play it loud, they won't hear the mistakes", so energy and performance will always come before playing a note perfect show. Heck, Omar Khalid's made it a point to drop the sticks at every show we do, and sometimes i'll jump and land on the wrong foot, and smash the wrong chord. Sometimes Yasirs Darbuka solo will just be completely out of sync with the rest of us. But you suck it up, put on a smile and act like its all part of the show, there's nothing worse than some prima donna singer in the band turning around and glaring at a drummer who missed a beat or a guitarist who started the solo in the wrong key. Some singers like to have a condescending smile for the person who screws up, (theres a singer in a popular cover band here who consistently does this and makes me want to punch his face). The bands a team, and when you're out there, you support each other.

7) Enjoy the show.

This is hardly a tip worth mentioning but in the end, thats what a show should be, pure exhiliration. It's ok to show that you're happy about playing music. I know Nirvana seemed cool when they were pissed off at the world and Radiohead probably never smile on days ending in "y", but its always better to look like you're enjoying it. If you're into it, the crowd will be into it to. I know i get criticized in the press because it looks like I'm faking my enthusiasm but to me its the best feeling in the world, being up there with my band and just rocking out. I cant imagine why people would want to get on stage and stare at their shoes. So go out there and smile, jump around, make eye contact with the audience, sing into each others mics and move your body to the beat.

Is Ali Zafar reading my blog for ideas?

2009-01-12T11:42:00.000+05:00

So after two articles talked about how Ali Noor and Ali Zafar are Pakistani celebrity bloggers, I decided to check out their blogs. Please note that these articles also included me, so WOOHOO I am a CELEBRITY, GIRLS WHO IGNORED ME IN SCHOOL CAN SUCK IT.

Anyway, so I was a little tickled to find that Ali Zafar had a blog post titled "My First Meeting With Celebs: Encounters". Sound familiar? You will recall that a while back I had written a post called “My Celebrity Encounters” where I talked about meeting famous people in the industry. Which leads me to hypothesize that Ali Zafar is reading my blog and hungrily waiting for my next blog post idea to steal. Aha! Caught you Ali Zafar! Now I shall blackmail you. Or at least start ridiculous rumours about you.

Here's a few.

Ali Zafar once performed at the annual Horse and Cattle Show in Lahore. He was not singing.
Ali Zafar was once arrested for drunkenly showing up at a McDonalds and loudly declaring that he was “not lovin' it”.
Ali Zafar has tiny Telenor logos on his chuddees.
Ali Zafar had a passionate affair with Meera but she broke it off after she realized that she had confused him with Arif Lohar. Needless to say she was looking for the wrong “chimta”.
Ali Zafar has four different kinds of herpes.
All the girls in the “Sajania” video have dicks.

Anyway...jokes aside, Ali Zafar if you're reading this, REVEAL YOURSELF on my blog. And let the games begin.

Truth be told, I can appreciate Ali's blog. It's down to earth and informative. I'm sure it must be a thrill for his legions of fans. So I'm not going to be petty and take shots at his writing, or his poetry, although...dude, this poem for Benazir that he wrote made me cringe. Other than that. Good show Ali Zafar. You have my approval. I declare a ceasefire on the next silly Telenor commercials you do.

Ali Noor is blogging too. Being a bonafide Noori fan, I really enjoyed reading his blog, and I love how honest he is. It's a real insight into his head and his way of thinking. Definitely a good read.

Compared to these guys, I feel a little silly. Here we have Ali Noor blogging about the birth of his child (congratulations brother!) and Ali Zafar praying for the world. And on the other hand you have me, devoting an entire post on how to say “goat-fucker”.

Happy New Year !

2009-01-06T11:08:00.000+05:00

Happy New Year my loyal blog followers (all three of you). I sincerely hope 2009 is going to be a great one for all of us. I know I've got big things planned for ADP this year. To be precise, this is the year I really want us to make it. I think it'll be my last chance at success and if we're still stuck at the same level we are now at the end of 2009, I don't think I'll have the energy to continue.

Not that this should be a pessimistic note, I just feel I have to set goals. I'm also aware that being really successful takes time and while it may seem like it, nobody with lasting success becomes an overnight sensation. I don't want us to be another Raeth where we just kinda arrive really quickly and fizzle out. I want to prove to the music industry that ROCK BANDS, not one-hit video performers or pop artists can make it here and still sell something without compromising their art. I also want to send out a message to other young rock bands out there that there are no shortcuts. You have to build a following, not just hope that one video will get you acclaim. Nothing ever worth having came easy. So I'm grateful to finally accept and enjoy the struggle.

I'm grateful for a lot of things. I know Aunty Disco Project isn't there yet. But I'm proud of the things we've achieved. I'm proud that we're still trying. I'm proud of being an entertainer. But most of all I'm proud to be on the stage with the other guys on the band. I know that even if we'll never make it big, for me it'll always be about playing in a room with the guys.

I know that some journalists might think that my stage act is exactly that, an act, but if they ever saw us practice, they would know I get just as worked up and excited in rehearsals. It doesn't matter how many times we've played, how big or small the audience or the venue, I still get a tingle in my spine when OK crashes the cymbals and launches the intro to "Sultanat" with a mighty boom on the bass drum.

Anyway, just to put things in perspective, here's a recap of the best and worst moments for ADP in 2008.

Worst Moments:

1) Imran leaving. We lost our founding member and brother. There was a huge hole in our lineup and we really had no idea where we were going to go from there.

2) Playing the "World Music Festival" at the Arts Council in June. As the headlining act we went on last after 12 bands. Except everything got delayed. We took the stage at 11:30 pm. Nobody stayed to watch except a handful of die hard fans. The drum kit we rented broke its front skin. And we were pissed off and moody. Never again.

3) Being shoved aside by the chootia Play TV camera crew to make way because fucking Shehzad Roy was making his way to the stage after we had played.

4) My leather pants ripping from the crotch as I bent down to put my shoes on, moments before the Forum show. They are irreparable. And so is my heart.

5) The PACC show opening for Munchkins. Horrible sound. Bad vibes. Semi-hostile partisan crowd. We tried our best, but we still ended up being being below our usual. I felt mortified after the show.

6) Television interview on AAG TV's show "3 to 5". Yasir and I were bored out of our minds with this mind numbingly stupid show. It's almost embarassing to watch the footage because I look very clearly not interested in answering any of the inane questions.

Best Moments:

1) Making the video for "Nazar". One of the most fun things we've ever done. And watching people's reaction after we launched the video felt like a re-birth for ADP. Finally a video we could be proud of. The outpouring of love and support from our fans who had been waiting for us to put out something awesome was humbling and worth every bit of work we've ever done.

2) Our first show with Ali Alam. We played a tiny show at Indus Valley. The crowd was a small group, but we played out of our skins and put on an amazing performance that was the best thing that could have happened to me at a personally low moment.

3) Us getting our first proper drumkit. After a year of playing on a worn out beaten up kit that sounded like complete shit, and an additional 2 years of playing on a kit that we stole from somebody, and renting a kit for 5000 bucks for every show, OK finally saved up enough money to get an awesome sounding, shiny new TAMA kit. We're a real band now!

4) Playing an impromptu ADP show for OK's engagement party. Yes OK got engaged. Sorry girls :) (Separate post later).

5) Playing at PMC, for Play TV, in the middle of Park Towers mall. A huge and enthusiastic crowd saw us perform, even though it was an acoustic set, it was one of the most loud and raucous shows we did. I'll never forget the feeling of performing "Nazar' and not being able to hear myself because the audience was singing along so loud.

6) Playing the Forum show with Zeb and Haniya. we got to share the stage with our favorite artists and friends and put on a killer show, our first one since I got back from Hong Kong after 2 months. We also debuted our brand new song "Mujhey Sahara Do" and the crowd loved it.

Anyway. I'll try not to be as soppy in my next post. In the mean time, much love to everyone who stuck by us in 2008. We hope we'll deliver on your expectations in 2009 :)

When Writers Attack

2008-12-29T14:47:00.000+05:00

Now as many of you know, we performed with The Munchkins at PACC last weekend. I haven't blogged about the show, or the one with Zeb and Haniya, well basically because I'm a lazy bastard. More on that later. Anyway, it was interesting to see two wildly different accounts of the concert in the press.

Here's what Saba Imtiaz had to say about us from The News Instep Saturday Dec 27th, 2008

"Aunty Disco Project - which now features the enhanced line-up of Ali Alam along with Omar Bilal Akhtar, Yasir Qureshi and Omer Khalid - were the opening act for The Munchkins. And this performance - had such remarkable energy - down to the synchronized guitaring between Omar and Ali or Omar jumping onstage, in true rock star glory. And the rock star moves transcended from the attitude to the stage to. Ali dedicated a song to a concertgoer who had earlier cribbed on Facebook about the high ticket price saying, "He spent a lot of money to get here and I'm sorry I couldn't help him." The tickets were priced at 500 rupees a head, to which Gumby's explanation was "inflation." Unfortunately, inflation has also hit the concertgoer, yet most event tickets are priced at 500 rupees or above.

Ali has clearly added a lot to the band and one can see that quite clearly, and it defnitely fantastic to be able to hear Ali performing his single 'Raat Jaagi' live. Omar Bilal Akhtar of ADP agrees - he thinks the band has become a lot more "confident and professional since Ali joined. It has become a more concentrated effort."

And Aunty Disco Project was definitely loud (despite hiccups from the sound engineer) and loving it - and their finale, featuring a melange of drums, darbouka and guitar sounds definitely ended their set on a high note.....

......The Munchkins' set seemed more cocky and self-assured, performing a number of songs that they always cover. And in terms of stage passion, the younger, original ADP beat them hands down that night."

Not bad right? Now take a look at this. Madeeha Syed from Dawn Images Dec. 28th, 2008

"Another change this time around was also the introduction of an opening act, which was none other than the Aunty Disco Project (ADP). With Imran Lodhi away at college out of the country, the current ADP lineup consists of Yasir Quraishi on darbuka, Omar Bilal Akhtar (Oba) on lead guitar and vocals, Ali Alam on bass and vocals and Omar Khalid (OK) on drums.

During ADP’s performance, the sound levels seemed oddly out of sync which lked to the instruments and the vocals sounding all over the place. Among other songs, they performed the popular Sultanat as well as Oba’s solo single, the haunting Nazar. Some female members in the audience thought to add to the atmosphere by collectively singing a note or two with him, which invited laughter from the rest. They also tried their hand at covers, one of which was Baba O’Reily by The Who. Disappointingly, they didn’t perform the signature guitar solo that comes towards the end of the song.

Another thing that has to be mentioned here is that Oba literally seemed to take it upon himself to embody the spirit and the enthusiasm of the entire band. He jumped numerous times on the tiny little stage while performing with expressions that were determined to force his fervor on the audience — whether they liked it or not — and he swung his arm repeatedly around the guitar. Unfortunately, at a venue such as the PACC and with songs that didn’t match his passion for exhibitionism, his ‘performance’ seemed very much over the top."

Whoa? What did I ever do to her? I mean I just feel really targeted. This second article has no pictures of us and there's no mention of the rest of the band or what they did. I don't mind being criticized over a lacklustre performance or bad singing or songs, that's part of the deal. but to get criticized for jumping around on stage? Would she I rather just stand still and stare off into space? I also love how she's turned the fact that the crowd was singing along to my song into some sort of thing where they are mocking us. Yes thats a great way for us to be mocked. Sing along to our song.

Let's not forget my "passion for exhibitionism". Obviously the writer has spent enough time with me to know about my regular weekend practice of displaying my wang to old ladies at Sunday Bazaar.

Once again, being in public and displaying your work to an audience always means criticism is going to come your way. But these comments seem to come from a really dark place. Almost like someones fishing for criticism.

"Look at that bastard OBA...all jumping on stage...enjoying himself...trying to get the crowd going...giving them a show worth their money...what an exhibit
ionist. I'm going to call it a 'performance' while uneccessarily putting that word in quotes."

Anyway, here are links to both the articles. Make what you will of them.

The News Instep

http://www.dawn.com/weekly/images/images2.htm

Yes I know I'm horrible

2008-12-03T12:39:00.000+05:00

For awhile I would feel extremely guilty about some of my filthy blog posts which were littered with references to poop and the chootia-esque things people would do. Especially since it was brought to my attention that my blog is being read by several teenage girls who really should not be acquainted with such terms. I also don't want my blog to be read simply by people who are looking to get cheap thrills out of me calling some celebrity a gaandoo. I want to be known for my writing. My content. My issues.

However. I say fuck it.

This is the filthiest blog post ever.

How to become an Expert Swearer.

In my everyday experience, I have come across many expert swearers. There are some who are real pros and some who just lack in the proper delivery. Here are my patented ways to swear properly. There are several different styles to choose from so you may use whatever suits you best.

Machine Gun Style:

This style of abuse may be confused with Tourette's Syndrome, but the trick here is to always keep a level head. You need to convey your frustration without having people think you are completely batshit insane. Your goal should be to let off a quick succession of abuse that will leave your victim both humiliated, confused and most importantly without a comeback. If done right, the machine gun attack can be brutal and highly effective.

The abuse can be in either Urdu or English but in my experience a combination of the two works best. For e.g. your co-worker has just messed up something important to you, you say

“You absolutely incompetent choot turd ass bastard gaandoo”

Notice how if you start with a large english word, the effect is even more devastating because now, not only have you called him a vagina you have implied that he is a mentally inferior one. Use of proper english words shows condescension and adds to the humiliation. Follow it up with a nice urdu swear to drive home the insult. e.g.

“Worthless gaandoo”
“Meritless lora”
“Despicable choot”
“Inexplicable tatta”

Ninja Style:

This style of abuse is best used when you are trying to show how you are superior in both class and style to the people around you. It is simple, yet devastatingly effective. You should wait while two or more people are having a stupid argument over something trivial. Then approach them stealthily and utter one single sentence or even better, one single word that will insult them all and make you look awesome for e.g. two idiots are fighting over something stupid like “What Pakistan needs is education'...quietly walk up them and say

“You're both gay”

And then quickly walk away. A Ninja attack is never going to work if you stick around waiting for a response. The key is to not give a shit. You have passed your judgment on both these fools, simultaneously. Now you have the power. The more nonchalant you are the better it is. Single words are even better. Can you imagine two yuppie types arguing about the financial crunch? Now normally if you try to engage them in conversation they will look down on you since you know nothing about finance. The best defense is a good offense. It's also cool to lull them into a false sense of security, stand by like you're going to add to the conversation and then just say

“Wankers”

Practice your walk away. For some color, while you turn your back to them, raise your wrist and give them the finger.

The Comeback Kid

Being armed with a litany of comebacks is always good practice. One should always be ready for insults coming their way so the best thing to do is to mentally stash a bunch of demeaning one liners. It is always good to invite somebody to do something they would normally not find pleasant, usually involving their lips and your ass. But what really spices things up is when you pretend to keep an appearance of polite manners. For e.g.

“How would you like to suck my balls?”
“Please, eat shit and die”
“Would you be interested in rating my poop?”

People are automatically inclined to be respond positively to good manners so this will really mess up your opponent because they really will feel the urge to rate your poop and will be disgusted with themselves. This will lead to dumbfounded silence where you laugh maniacally and tell them to suck it. Kicking someone when they are down is paramount to abuse survival.

The Dr. Doolittle.

A quick and easy method to be a creative insulter is to imply that your opponent is into deviant sex. This can quickly be achieved by adding “-fucker” to the end of any animal or household object. In animals you can start with domestic farm animals.

“Chicken Fucker”
“Goat Fucker”
“Sheep Fucker”
“Camel Fucker”
“Water-Buffalo-Fucker”

Cattle are inherently funny animals so the mental image is both hilarious and shocking. There's not much one can do after being called a camel-fucker except slink back into the shadows and live to fight another day.

If you don't want to use cattle, small rodents are also fair game
“Rat-Fucker”. This is especially effective because you have shown the person to not only be deviant but untrustworthy.

“Squirrel-Fucker”. While a personal favorite of mine, it can go either way because let's face it, no one wants to see a cute little squirrel get pounded by some dude. However, you will always have an opportunity to throw in a pun about how he likes nuts.

However some misguided souls get carried away and start using animals that are the opposite of insulting. For e.g. “Lion-Fucker”. This implies that either you have the sexual skills of a lion or you are just fucking insane enough to bone Mufassa. Both cases aren't really insulting, heck some people might even take it as a compliment.

And “Elephant-Fucker” just isn't a very likely scenario, so stay clear of that because people will spend more time wondering about the logistics of it rather getting insulted.

The Musician:

This requires some thought beforehand because the point is to insult someone using a song. Beginners can use nursery rhymes. For. e.g, use the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

“Ahmed is a
choo-ti-a,
choo-ti-a
choo-ti-a

Ahmed is a
choo-ti-a
And sooo
is his Dad”

The advantage here is that you will create something unique and funny and people will be singing it for days. It is a truly rewarding insult method because of it's long lasting value.
Plus you will get complimented for your musical talent. This is a good way to show positive abuse. Any comeback that will happen will take too long as your opponent scrambles to come up with a reply. Even if he does, the effect will be lost. Throw in a couple of “suck my balls” for good measure while you high five your office co-workers.

*I realize that this may not be the best post to follow up to the one I wrote before. But this is my way of lightening the mood. By gratuitous swear words, I hope we can find peace :)*

Just a thought

2008-11-29T12:06:00.001+05:00

Before I post anything else about ADP or myself, I wanted to take a moment to say a few words about the Mumbai killings of these last two days.

I want to tell my Indian friends that we know you're hurting and we know how helpless you feel. We feel helpless too, because we can't reach across and tell you we're with you. We can't do anything about the anger you will feel and we can't do anything about politicians blaming Pakistan and yet another finger pointed at Muslims.

I want to tell my India friends that we hope you're alright, and your families are safe and you are with your loved ones. From the bottom of our hearts we hope you'll make it through this and believe that we across the border are just as shocked and horrified at this incredible scale of evil.

And I want to tell my Pakistani friends too step back and understand. For the next couple of days we are going to feel increasingly cornered and vulnerable as the international community is slowly going to drag our name and religion through the mud. This is not the time to be defensive. This is the time to reach out and set and example. We can yell ourselves hoarse trying to defend our religion and our country. But a quiet sign of support to the people across the fence will be far more effective in showing our humanity.

Zeb and Haniya with Aunty Disco Project! Live at The Forum Karachi!!

2008-11-25T15:00:00.000+05:00

We're performing LIVE! Full ON ADP concert! Our first one since June...

We'll be playing with our old friends Zeb and Haniya in the middle of The Forum Mall in Karachi, Friday Nov 28^th 6 to 9 pm.The show is being put together by Adil Moosajee and his company “EGO” which is an excellent ladies apparel store, (you can check them out on Zamzama and in The Forum).

Now I am absolutely stoked to be playing with Zeb and Haniya again, we performed with them first for the Shanaakht show in August 2007 and again for a private show for Nokia and Radio191, so along with Mauj, they're our favorite people to share the stage with. Of course things are different now. We both started out at around the same time, but since then Zeb and Haniya have gone on to become a critically acclaimed musical duo with an album that is one of the best things to come out of Pakistan and a gorgeous, sexy video that's shot them straight to the top of the fame game. While we on the other hand have lost one band member and have released our third video which people think is our first video and are still desperately trying to 'arrive'.

But those gals deserve it. They are immensely talented and their songs are exquisitely crafted and I'll be over the moon to be sharing the stage with them again, heck I'll be in the front row singing along to their entire setlist.

Having said that, this show has me really nervous for several reasons.

Performing for free in the middle of a mall is always tricky because at least half the audience is going to be the Atif Aslam/Ali Zafar crowd who could be extremely unpredictable in their response to us. I really don't know if the 'awaam' likes our stuff.
I don't want to perform covers for this show. We've got enough originals now to have a set that is all us. But obviously people barely know our stuff, apart from 'Sultanat' and 'Nazar'. They could choose to tune out completely. So we'll have to do covers. But which ones?
Zeb and Haniya are awesome and are being backed by the guys from co-Ven who are also awesome. They are going to blow us off the stage. Either that or we'll look like headbanging monkeys compared to the sophisticated grace of their songs.
The elite crowd and media are all coming to see Zeb and Haniya. Industry bigwigs, people who can help us get to the next level are all coming to see the girls perform. I really hope they catch us as well, but they usually never do and we have to try to get their attention again some other way. Without nudity this time.

5) And of course, here's the real disadvantage of being a small unknown act, our live sound guy from Audiolink, who we exclusively do shows with has ditched us to do the sound for Ali Azmat, Mauj and Noori who are performing in Lahore, despite committing to us earlier. Now I know, bigger acts will probably pay him better and more exposure etc. etc. But it still serves as a sad depressing reminder of how far we have to go to get some clout in this business. Now, he's ushered in his brother as a replacement but it'll be his first show with us. It's just not good karma.

Now if you had spoken to me a year ago I would have been my usual “Fuck it all, we're ADP! We're the best live act in the country and we'll take on any crowd”. But recently our concerts just seem a little more low key and while I know that the release of “Nazar” definitely got us a whole bunch of new fans, our last few live shows have been missing that special something, that crazy energy between us and our audience. Maybe it's because Lodhi isn't with us anymore, and its a sign. Or maybe it's all in my head I don't know. All I know is that for some reason, the need for us to deliver on this show seems huge.

I really hope we can.

My Celebrity Encounters...

2008-11-18T11:26:00.000+05:00

One of the cool bits about being a musician is that I get to run into a lot of people who are famous, some of them are my idols, some of them are people I just plain respect and some of them are assbackwards stupid. I've been fortunate enough to meet with a whole bunch of some famous Pakistani celebrities, with a range of experiences, some were funny, some were heartwarming and some were downright bizarre.

Omran Shafique (Mauj/Ali Azmat's band): Omran is one of the nicest, most down to earth musicians I've ever met. ADP's been lucky enough to perform with Mauj three times now and while I suspect they consider us bad luck (it rained the last two times they were slated to go on after us), I hope they enjoyed sharing the bill with us. I'm in awe of his guitar playing and everytime I've run into him, he's one of the few guys who always greets me warmly. To be honest, I probably look like an asshole to him because I never know what to say to him, I just feel like I'll sound amateur or 'underground' which is this stupid label ADP's been stuck with for so long. Having said that, everytime we've been on stage I felt the need to compete fiercely with Mauj because I know they have such a high standard and I hope people would think ADP isn't far behind. I've been especially spurred on by the fact that they got nominated for Best Live Act at the LSA's because next year...(if we ever get called to the LSA's, thats the one award that I feel would really vindicate us)

Ali Zafar: Ok so for the longest time I had been criticizing Ali Zafar as pop trash because, well, he hit on this girl I used to like.. a very long time ago! Petty I know. But it was through her that I met the guy. He came over to a dance practice at a friends wedding, the dude was suffering from a cold so he didn't really say much. So he was sitting alone and probably feeling a little awkward so I went over and talked to the guy. We didnt really talk much, he apologized for being kinda quiet because of his flu. But I got the impression that he was really cultured, polite and cared very deeply about his music. Since then I've had a grudging respect for him because lets face it, the guy is bucketload of talent and he's held himself to a really high standard as an entertainer. I know he's an easy target because he prances around in Telenor ads, and yes I have lambasted artists like him for letting their sponsors buy airtime for videos, but from what I know of him, he's a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders.

Shallum (Fuzon): I've been fortunate enough to have jammed with Shallum and Immu from Fuzon and even performed a one off show with them along with Gumby and Khalid from Aaroh. Let me tell you this, Shallum is a guy who takes his music really seriously...
So we were at this little celebration thrown by Zeb and Haniya celebrating the launch of their album in Karachi. I went over to the food table to get some munchies and I met Shallum picking on some chips. He greeted me warmly, and I asked him how the shows were going and if we were gonna see him perform in Karachi soon. He replied that Fuzon were mostly performing in India now because concerts in Pakistan were too difficult to organize. He then asked me how ADP was going. So I did my usual obnoxious bit about how great it is to be a rockstar and how I was all about the chicks. Now I thought I was fairly obvious with my joke and I was expecting an amused response. Instead, I looked over at Shallum who had suddenly gone rigid and was now giving me an icy stare. He looked me straight in the eye, and put down his plate of fried shrimp and said

"It is NOT about the chicks"

Now I could have just agreed and let it go. But the asshole in me decided to push it a little further because I was determined to let him know it was a joke! So I persisted, along with a not-so-welcome backslap

"Awww c'mon Shallum, it's a little about the chicks...c'mon...*wink* *wink*

Shallum was having none of it. Once again, an icy glare, and he repeated, quite obviously annoyed

"It's NEVER about the chicks. if that's what you're here for, you'll never make it".

So I slunk away, thoroughly confused. And then it dawned on me, "Did I just inadvertently offend Shallum Xavier from Fuzon?". Wow, talk about train wreck. Anyway Shallum, buddy if you're reading this, I apologize if you were offended by my crass humor. But for me it has and always will be about the chicks.

And finally a story that always makes me happy was when I met Ali Noor. Now Noori are one of the few Pakistani bands whose concerts I would attend and whose music I would actually buy. They were my idols and when I saw them at this get together, I was genuinely starstruck. I kept avoiding them because I was so painfully shy, but desperate to meet them at the same time. Seeing this, Ali Alam just grabbed me and forced an introduction. So I met Ali Noor and we exchanged intros, while I babbled some cliches about how I was such a big fan. At this point he was still a little aloof, like he had heard it all before. But then Ali Alam said, "Omar's a musician too, you've probably heard of his band The Aunty Disco Project". At which point Ali Noor's entire demeanor changed and he gave me a warm bear hug saying "Arrey yaar why didn't you say so, I love you guys and your song Sultanat!" At which point I was too dumb struck and I remember thinking..."I can't believe he's heard of us!". After that he gave me a few pointers about the music industry and and how we should embrace being promoted on television even though we might not like the way it's done, every musician has to go through it. I'll remember that.

*Ali Azmat: Is in a separate category because although I have seen him around a lot of times and shook hands with him once, I've never actually said anything to him because...the guy is my idol. For me Junoon were in the same category as Led Zeppelin and The Who. I own everything they ever released...every single album and I followed them from the day they first formed to the day they broke up. To me Ali Azmat isn't just some Pakistani celebrity, he's an icon who respect tremendously and just plain old look up to. I'm afraid if i meet him, and if he turns out to be a total douche or a huge sleaze bag, the way a lot of people say he is, it'll ruin my image of him and his music forever. It's my dream to share the stage with him someday, or maybe open for him. To me, he's still a living legend, and thats just how i would like to keep him in my head.

Lux Style Awards i.e. The Great Atif Aslam Wank-Off

2008-11-10T12:56:00.000+05:00

Man I laughed so hard when I read the reports on the Lux Style Awards. Now usually, I would be my bitter self and castigate our dysfunctional and tremendously stupid and petty celebrity types but I have to say that for sheer entertainment value, this Lux Style Awards ceremony was awesome! Apparently the whole thing turned into a "my dick is bigger than your dick" fiasco. Ali Azmat picking on Faakhir! Iman picking on Shaan! Good times.

Now for some reason, despite my warning to all journalists at the beginning of this year, Khuda Key Liye will just not go away. It seems that this one little movie is the only quality product we could squeeze out of our creative asses and now we'll continue to wash ourselves in its infinite glory. For fucks sake, can't we let it go? I swear if I have to read another report on how Fawad Khan is the greatest actor since Marlon Brando's left nut and how Iman Ali was incredible in her debut performance ( let's be honest here...her acting wasn't incredible) I am going to mail a box of my poop directly to Shoaib Mansoor.

But I digress. Since the Lux Style Awards is clearly about rewarding the talent in our entertainment industry. They seem to do a pretty good job with fashion, and television. But I'm glad that our music industry only has Atif Aslam and the band Atif Aslam used to be a part of. Because they really do deserve all the awards. And attention. I think our music industry should be relegated to a two party system, kinda like American politics, where you can either like Atif Aslam or Jal. Then the Lux Style Awards will not only be a valid representation of our tastes but it'll be like the political debates. And all of us Atif Aslam supporters will sneak over to the Jal side and shit on their supporters. And then Jal supporters will retaliate with attack ads on Atif's latent homosexuality.

You know I'm also glad that they don't let anyone else perform either. Because if its one thing this country needs, its more Atif Aslam. In fact, fuck the whole performance thing. They should just have Atif come on stage and masturbate furiously.

Oh and then there's Jal, who are kinda like Atif Aslam's retarded younger brother. You feel that everyone kinda keeps giving them the consolation prize after Atif bitch slapped them and ran away with their songs.

But my favorite comment about the whole thing came from Mustafa Zahid, the lead singer of Roxen. When asked about why Roxen didn't attend the ceremony he said something to the effect of "I'm 6"2 and I can't travel in economy because I don't fit in the seats, I asked them to send me a business class ticket, which they didn't so i didn't come".

Fuckin Ay! Thats right Mustafa Zahid lead singer of Roxen! Tell em to suck it hard! Man I gotta give this guy props. I mean life is obviously tough for a man of his Yeti-like proportions so if those asshats organizing the awards can't get him a BUSINESS CLASS TICKET then they can suck his balls. I'm with you on that one Mustafa. You gotta nip these things in the bud.

And check it...Ali Azmat puts the smackdown on Faakhir.

(Excerpts from the article in The News Instep Sunday Nov 9, 2008 by Aamna Haider Isani)

"Fakhir was obviously not prepared for the verbal assault in which Ali called him a "pretty boy" followed by a jibe that Fakhir was dressed like a waiter or rather a joker. "The waiters want their clothes back," Ali said, followed by, "Hey I'm acting like a joker and you're dressed like one."

Ooooooh SNAP! Waisey it would be pretty funny if Faakhir had in fact stolen the waiters clothes. Can you imagine the scene.

Waiter: Yaar tujhey kya hua? (Hey man what happened to you?)
Shivering naked other waiter: Bhainchod faakhir...phir kaprey ley gaya (Faakhir the sister-fucker stole my clothes again)
Waiter: Bhainchod...(Sister-fucker...he is)

And then Iman Ali went to town on Shaan. However, for the sake of entertainment and my twisted mind i am going to paraphrase their fight as it would have gone down in the ghetto

Iman: I catch you talkin' shit about me Im'a put ma boot so far up yo ass yo gon be flossin with ma heel son
Shaan: Bitch go make me a sandwich!
Iman: Sheeeit I shoulda pissed on you like R. Kelly Shaan: Bitch go make me a sandwich

Waisey, I'm wondering how Mobilink haven't already had a shit fit already given that it's two biggest draws...(the chick who dances in the Jazz Budget video and the dude who killed his wife so that he could bone Vaneeza) aren't getting along.

For what it's worth, I for one am happy that our celebrities are not boring. So here's to our celebrities...may they be petty and mind numbingly stupid always, because otherwise we'd just be proud of them, and no one likes a gloater.

What They Said About Us In The Papers

2008-11-04T10:45:00.000+05:00

Read Khaver Siddiqui's article on "Nazar" from Dawn Images

Read Maheen Sabeeh's interview with me from The News Instep

We take over the airwaves

2008-11-04T10:44:00.000+05:00

For the last two weeks we have been whoring ourselves to any and all media. But willingly. I realized that blatant self-promotion really was the only way to get people to see our video. So we took any offers for appearances that came our way. In the span of two weeks we appeared on the following shows:

1) Mera MTV: With Ali Safina

Now Ali's a crazy character and we go way back. He used to be Yasir's roomate, so bless his heart he was one of the first guys to call and tell us how much he loved the video and song and that we should come on his show. He's wildly popular and we're used to his manic style so the interview was a lot of fun, especially the part where the power went out in the Mtv studios and you could hear us for a couple of seconds going "Bijli chalee gaee? Naheen yaar..." in pitch darkness. Yasir and I got to rock out and jam on the air as well as play bits of "Sultanat" and "Nazar'. Good times.

2) Weekends with Mahirah

Mahirah is a complete sweetheart and really was quite generous about having us and promoting us on her show. Now we've been collectively crushing on her for a long time so we were really looking forward to it. She has a special place in our hearts because she was the first VJ to play "Sultanat" on the air. The interview really was one of our best and most fun. it was really spontaneous and Mahirah and her crew were extremely supportive. (The fact that they didn't manage to get the "Nazar" video on the show is different matter...) For the three of us, it was also our funniest interview, and we kinda let loose at some of the clueless callers who called in. Most of them of course had never heard of us, which always makes for awkward moments,

Girl Caller: " Menay in ka kabhi nahin suna" (I've never heard of these guys)
Me: "Hum ney bhi aap ka kabhi nahin suna" (We've haven't heard of you either)

For me the funniest moment was when Mahirah asked Omar what his least favourite word was and he replied "The Urdu word for 'vest'".
Don't know if he meant "Banyaan" or "Jhangia".They're both pretty foul.

At least it wasn't "Chaddi".

3) Dial 9 with Sehrish

So we got to do an interview with another cute VJ. Life could be worse :) Yes yes... I know but I assure you we were completely professional. Except Yasir, he's a real sexual harassment panda in waiting. I think it was one of our most relaxed interviews because Sehrish is a genuine fan of ours and she actually knows a lot about us and what we're all about. Plus this was our second interview with her, you can read about the first here. My favorite part of the interview was the rapid fire questions she asked all of us. For once, I got the easy questions, although when she asked me about the three things I couldn't live without, I somehow included "cheese" as one of my answers. This was not an intellectually high point for me.