Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Are You Dating A Crazy Woman?

In my travels, I have come across many species of women. There are many things I have learned and many more things I wish I never had to learn. One of those things is the ability to spot, at a great distance, and with great accuracy, a Crazy Woman.

The Crazy Woman is one of nature's most devastating forces, especially since they are so difficult to spot. Most guys spend their time making apologies or rationalizing the behavior of the Crazy Woman they are dating because they just assume “she's difficult” or “she's opinionated' or “she has a tiny but adorable tendency to be a raging bitch'. Crazy Women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always, hot. This coupled with Male Stupidity and Male Horniness increases the likelihood of a Crazy Woman preying on a Nice Guy with alarming frequency.

Normal Women however can spot a Crazy Woman from miles away, because Crazy Women tend to be their number one competition in finding a good man. Sadly in the world of Crazy Women, everything is upside down. Nice Guys never listen to Normal Women who tell them about Crazy Women. In an cruel twist, if Normal Women complain about Crazy Women, they in turn are labeled Crazy Women.

So I have, in my vast experience observed both the behavior of Crazy Women and listened to the advice of Normal Women. I used graphs, bar charts and rigorous statistical analysis and found that Crazy Women do in fact exhibit an extremely predictable pattern. Here are my 10 surefire signs to spot and avoid a Crazy Woman. Now in isolation, any one of these 10 points may be harmless or insignificant. But taken as a whole, you've got yourself one huge pile of batshit that you need to eliminate from your life. If you spot more than five of the following signs you're dating a Crazy Woman.

1.She hates your friends. And loves your enemies.

That's right, she not only hates your 'bros' but makes it a point to hang out with the assholes you hate. She avoids hanging out with you and the guys, gets quiet when she calls you and you're out with them, she glares when you narrate some awesome anecdote about the last time you were with them and subtly drops hint that she thinks your buddies are tiny little shit pieces. Now, most of you rational women will protest because hey, let's face it, most of your boyfriends have at least a couple of douchebag friends that you don't like. There's a key difference. No one likes a douchebag. But a Crazy Woman will hate the nice friends or the extra friendly friends even more because they represent someone who is more pleasant/nicer than her. Conversely, they will enjoy the company of people you cannot stand. It will scare you how accurate this is. Oh and you know the guys you can't stand because they always think they have a shot with her when she's with you, she'll definitely want to hang out with them the most.

You know what you should do right? You should tell her that you have a problem with this, because open communication is the best thing for any relationship.

Haha. No. You're an idiot.

2. She can dish it out, but she can't take it

Crazy Women claim they have a great sense of humor. They usually do. When it's at the expense of somebody other than them. They will constantly berate you and insult you in front of your friends under the guise of “oh c'mon, can't you take a joke?”. She'll bring up embarrassing times when you've tried to be romantic, draw attention to your stress acne and make fun of your failures. Because she is hot, people around her will laugh. You, being the schmuck that you are will be lulled into a false sense of “oh my girlfriend is so cool, we can totally make fun of each other” and you will try to retaliate by playfully teasing her about something. Hey, looks like she's been getting a little round, so you affectionately put your arms around her waist and whisper “I love your chubs”. Haha. You're an idiot. Hell hath no fury as a woman's chubs discovered. She will remove her shoes and beat your testicles with them, while screaming incoherently about carbs and happiness.

3. She has crazy moodswings without being pregnant

When a woman is pregnant, all bets are off. You need to shut the fuck up and be there for her, no matter how crazy she gets. Us men understand this. We give you women that license. However, you may not under any circumstances receive pregnancy treatment if in fact you are not, pregnant and are in fact, Crazy. Does your girl go from laughing to crying within five seconds? Does she make a joke about fat people but when you laugh, does she turn the tables on you by saying “do you think I'm fat?” Does she appear amorous and romantic one minute and switch to Lorena Bobbit the next? Yup. You're dating a crazy girl. And you're fucked.

4. She has a scary laugh

Does her laugh make your junk shrivel? A beautiful woman laughing is one of the best sounds any guy can hear. However, a Crazy Woman laughing might be the most terrifying thing to hear. The way to certify this is to look at her eyes. Do you feel like you're staring at Satan's butthole? Is there a vast chasm of emptiness, blackness and terror. Go ahead. Listen to her laughing closely. Is it joy? Or a prelude to torture. When she laughs, can you imagine her waterboarding you?

5. When she 'playfully' hits you, she leaves bruises.

It's awfully cute when girls playfully punches you in the shoulder when you're teasing them or gently smack you on your thigh when you crack an inappropriate joke. It's a sign of affection.
Crazy Women however, will beat you like Chris Brown. They will never ever hit you if they're feeling genuine affection for you. However, if you tease them, or crack a joke that mildly offends them they will beat you like they caught you breaking into their house. The worst part, they'll make sure they do it in public so that you can't admit that it actually hurts when their delicate little hands turn into tiny little estrogen fueled fists of rage.

6.She hates your mom

You know how most girls think it's endearing when guys have a healthy, warm relationship with their mum (unless that mom is desi). Crazy girls hate your mum. They consider her the root of all your prejudices and complexes about “liberated women” or “free thinking”. They are of course, right. You see most moms, used to be Normal Women. And as I have mentioned before, Normal Women are able to identify Crazy Women faster than frat boys can spot the drunkest girl at the party.

7.She hates her mom

Crazy Women do not have good relationships with their mothers. Their worst fear is that they will turn out exactly like their mothers. Most of the time, they already have. If you are dating a crazy girl who constantly has fights with her mother, complains about how her mother doesn't understand her or has her mom saved on her phone as “Controlling Bitch Birth Canal Person” you need to run the fuck away.

8.They will find a way to be the victim

Did she beat your ass in public, yet you find yourself apologizing? Did she yell at you in front of all your friends, yet you find yourself grovelling? Did she flirt with some other guy at a party yet you're the one begging for forgiveness? Crazy Women will always find a way to make you the fascist, misogynistic mullah in the relationship. If she does anything to upset you, it's because of your inability to handle a 'strong independent woman'. Anytime you cast so much as a disapproving fart in her direction, she will snarl at you while lobbing the eternally despised morality loophole “HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME”

9.They will take over your Facebook page.

You know how most animals pee in a large circle to mark their territory? Crazy Women will do the same thing to your Facebook page. She will flood your wall with inane comments that will start off fairly innocuously with cutesy, humorous little quips followed by smileys or their immoral cousins, winky smileys. e.g
“Call me today :)”
“I miss you!”
“Haha..this picture of yours is silly:)”

They may seem harmless but they are in fact none-too-subtle messages to the public that she keeps your manhood locked in an old shoebox under her bed. This graduates to more sociopathic behaviour:
'Why are you ignoring me?”
“I hate you”
“Fuck you. Call me”

10. Her ex is visibly relieved to not be dating her

Usually it's always a tense situation when you meet your girlfriend's ex. You start sizing him up, comparing yourself to him, wondering what she liked about him and whether he still has feelings for her. If however, you mention her name and the guy's expression glazes over like he's having a Vietnam flashback you need to be worried. Is he overly enthusiastic about meeting you? Does he give you a man hug and repeatedly confirm whether you and the girl are still together? Does he walk away from you while singing and clicking his heels together like a guy who's just been given free nachos ? You need to be worried. Very worried.


Blogger Winter Song said...

Hahahaha, Omar.This was hilarious and so true. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :)

12:06 PM  
Anonymous sadsid said...

looks like u just got rid of one crazy gf. good for u. FYI- all women are crazy except for me , but then again im from another planet

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Ahmed Hashim said...

Hilarious! Great writing OBA.

12:46 PM  
Blogger uikhan said...

Spot on man! Couldn't be more accurate :-D

1:11 PM  
Anonymous faizan said...

Hahahahaha, good one yar.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Nefer said...


4:09 PM  
Blogger Scientist?IR Student? Sophia said...


4:38 PM  
Blogger Mahwash said...

weirddddddddddddddd, even normal girl will show some of these characteristics.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read you through CloudKhizzy on and off but this one is a masterpiece!!!! Please copyright all of it!

Absolutely brilliant!!!

11:17 PM  
Blogger Zahra said...

Love it!!

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Yumna said...

This is brilliant. Only crazy women can find it hilarious.

7:42 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

nice effort ofcourse it works. LADY GAGA TO SUE BREAST MILK ICE CREAM

8:44 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

hhmmm. so many g.f are crazy... Cricket World Cup 2011 SMS Jokes Messages

8:47 PM  
Anonymous owra said...

you forgot #11, great in bed.

4:37 AM  
Anonymous Habiba Shah said...

Hahaha OMG this is hilarious and so true!

7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man great thoughts... But sometimes i think you should be a wirter then singer.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous kay without a tee said...

I am one of those Crazy Women. I try not to be, but I just cannot help it. I tell guys that I am but those doofuses dont believe me until they are well down the lane! I've had more guys doing their toba-astaghfaar after a couple of months with me, than I care to count! :D

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thoroughly enjoyed it :)

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Mango-man said...

Hallelujah. I am a believer.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Waheeda Kanwal said...

Loved the realities & such a deep analysis ;)

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Omar, it was funny indeed. I like this unedited version better, it explains some stuff missing from the tribune blog.

But listen, if you go after "ms hotness", who knows she has the entire world at her feet to begin with, of course she would expect you to put up with all the nakhras and tamashas! It's taken for granted, so why complain.

One quick question: why don't the nice or even the bad boys ever go for the non-hot, normal girl ever? I read such write-ups and I feel it's almost a crime to be 'non-hot'.

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i counted. since i exhibit less than 5 of the above mentioned traits, i think i can post this on my fb wall without my guy making this his checklist for "is she off her rocker?"

4:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...nicely written man. Totally agree with it word by word.

8:50 AM  
Blogger sk said...


10:00 PM  
Anonymous shabana said...

<Are you dating a crazy man?
I have not had the luxury to travel that much or have I had the luxury (or perhaps the charm) to come across many men. But my perception and observations from afar have also gifted me with the ability to spot at a distance with equal precision, and avoid – the Crazy Man.The Crazy Man is one of nature's second most devastating forces, especially since he leave so much wreck and havoc behind. Most girls spend their time being drawn to, or making excuses for the behavior of the Crazy Man they are dating because they just assume “he’s different ” or “ he’s hot or “he has a tiny but adorable tendency to be a raging b******'. Crazy Men are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always NEVER hot. The reason why women date the Crazy Man is, yet, unexplained.I don’t need to use graphs, bar charts and rigorous statistical analysis and found that Crazy Men do in fact exhibit an extremely predictable pattern. Here are my 10 surefire signs to spot and avoid a Crazy Man.
1.He alienates you from all your friends. And loves his.
2. He so can dish it out, but he can't take it

3. He will blame everything on “mood swings “ or “pms”

The normal man will give himself undue credit for everything and never take responsibility for anything. So when his girlfriend or wife fights with him over something justified he will blame it on pms but nevertheless get the point and make the necessary amends. The Crazy man is a bit extreme. When his girlfriend and/or wife ( the Crazy Man is 75% of the time, also found to be cheater) fights with him over something justified and rational, he will blame it on pms or her normal “mood swings” and never make amends. A normal woman will be stupid enough to think he will change after the first few days of the relationship and with enough love, care and guidance. But she’s Crazy too if she’s still waiting. ……4. He doesn’t know how to laugh
This is a sure shot sign- the Crazy Man cannot laugh!!!!! Sometimes it will be a feminine squeak or sometimes something so loud you will cringe. But it will make you want to be as far as him as possible.
5. When he wants to “massage you” he leaves bruises.
6. He will be afraid of your dad
All insincere and bad intention harboring guys will be scared of your dad or big brother right? The Crazy Man is exceptionally scared of your dad. If he starts sweating profusely upon your ancestor’s mention to the point of having epilepsy or makes you walk to his car parked two streets away from your home when he picks you for a date, you know he has crossed the line into the Crazy zone.
7. He is unusuallyyyy close to his mom.Girls actually love their guy’s mothers contrary to the general belief. They sometimes are more fond of them than the guy himself. They also love a guy who loves his mom-shows great family values. But if he sleeps with a picture of her under his pillow and talks about her 24/7, he’s a Crazy Man.8.They will find a way to be the victim
A normal guy will find a way to make you into the guilty party when he his in trouble. It’s the oldest and easiest trick in the book, you will find yourself apologizing for things you never did. A Crazy Man will actually start believing the stuff he has made up to get out of soup. 9.They will stalk your Facebook page.No ,not normal stalking to see if their girlfriend is behaving or how there ex-girlfriend is faring without them . They will hack, steal and connive all sorts tot mean to stalk your Facebook page. 10. His ex’s situation.The Crazy Man’s ex will be dead, tragically ill, at her therapist’s office 24/7 or too far away to be located. But thanks to early signs of detection, some may be fine. But still too far away to be located.

1:44 AM  
Anonymous shabana said...

1:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahahahha shabana pwnd you man

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Daud Khan said...

it is very nice post, i m enjoy to read it

4:57 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

hahaha , Nice

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No s__t about the crazy cackle laugh. It's absolutely true. As far as hotness; as they say,
Crazy in bed, crazy in the head." Crazy women are usually great in bed because they have nothing else to offer. Sex is their only asset.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As my Dad still says to this day, "If they didn't have a pussy, there would be a bounty on them". ;)

6:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A crazy woman Never Ever Blames herself! Theres is no way to Ever Reason with these people because it Defies any Logic. You will find it easier and less painfull to run full spead straight into a wall! It is the most frustrating thing ever. I always tell my clients at work to calm their nerves about other difficult suppliers. "not to worry, you can't fight logic." Always works. That is until you run into the Crazy Person. Rule no.1!!! If there is any pattern of logic amiss, RUN and keep Runing, don't look fuckin back. Even Dwane Johnson, AKA "the Rock" would crack with one of these. You know the saying, gotta sometimes fight evil with evil. Crazy people usually won't mess with you if they realise that you even crazier than them. Why is that, even the nutters Know that its not LOGICAL to fucken mess with an ILLOGICAL unpredictable entity!!

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, so true!! I am a female dealing with a crazy, malicious friend....but you described everything about her, perfectly. Great job!

12:11 PM  

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