Wednesday, March 09, 2011
In my travels, I have come across many species of women. There are many things I have learned and many more things I wish I never had to learn. One of those things is the ability to spot, at a great distance, and with great accuracy, a Crazy Woman.
The Crazy Woman is one of nature's most devastating forces, especially since they are so difficult to spot. Most guys spend their time making apologies or rationalizing the behavior of the Crazy Woman they are dating because they just assume “she's difficult” or “she's opinionated' or “she has a tiny but adorable tendency to be a raging bitch'. Crazy Women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always, hot. This coupled with Male Stupidity and Male Horniness increases the likelihood of a Crazy Woman preying on a Nice Guy with alarming frequency.
Normal Women however can spot a Crazy Woman from miles away, because Crazy Women tend to be their number one competition in finding a good man. Sadly in the world of Crazy Women, everything is upside down. Nice Guys never listen to Normal Women who tell them about Crazy Women. In an cruel twist, if Normal Women complain about Crazy Women, they in turn are labeled Crazy Women.
So I have, in my vast experience observed both the behavior of Crazy Women and listened to the advice of Normal Women. I used graphs, bar charts and rigorous statistical analysis and found that Crazy Women do in fact exhibit an extremely predictable pattern. Here are my 10 surefire signs to spot and avoid a Crazy Woman. Now in isolation, any one of these 10 points may be harmless or insignificant. But taken as a whole, you've got yourself one huge pile of batshit that you need to eliminate from your life. If you spot more than five of the following signs you're dating a Crazy Woman.
1.She hates your friends. And loves your enemies.
That's right, she not only hates your 'bros' but makes it a point to hang out with the assholes you hate. She avoids hanging out with you and the guys, gets quiet when she calls you and you're out with them, she glares when you narrate some awesome anecdote about the last time you were with them and subtly drops hint that she thinks your buddies are tiny little shit pieces. Now, most of you rational women will protest because hey, let's face it, most of your boyfriends have at least a couple of douchebag friends that you don't like. There's a key difference. No one likes a douchebag. But a Crazy Woman will hate the nice friends or the extra friendly friends even more because they represent someone who is more pleasant/nicer than her. Conversely, they will enjoy the company of people you cannot stand. It will scare you how accurate this is. Oh and you know the guys you can't stand because they always think they have a shot with her when she's with you, she'll definitely want to hang out with them the most.
You know what you should do right? You should tell her that you have a problem with this, because open communication is the best thing for any relationship.
Haha. No. You're an idiot.
2. She can dish it out, but she can't take it
Crazy Women claim they have a great sense of humor. They usually do. When it's at the expense of somebody other than them. They will constantly berate you and insult you in front of your friends under the guise of “oh c'mon, can't you take a joke?”. She'll bring up embarrassing times when you've tried to be romantic, draw attention to your stress acne and make fun of your failures. Because she is hot, people around her will laugh. You, being the schmuck that you are will be lulled into a false sense of “oh my girlfriend is so cool, we can totally make fun of each other” and you will try to retaliate by playfully teasing her about something. Hey, looks like she's been getting a little round, so you affectionately put your arms around her waist and whisper “I love your chubs”. Haha. You're an idiot. Hell hath no fury as a woman's chubs discovered. She will remove her shoes and beat your testicles with them, while screaming incoherently about carbs and happiness.
3. She has crazy moodswings without being pregnant
When a woman is pregnant, all bets are off. You need to shut the fuck up and be there for her, no matter how crazy she gets. Us men understand this. We give you women that license. However, you may not under any circumstances receive pregnancy treatment if in fact you are not, pregnant and are in fact, Crazy. Does your girl go from laughing to crying within five seconds? Does she make a joke about fat people but when you laugh, does she turn the tables on you by saying “do you think I'm fat?” Does she appear amorous and romantic one minute and switch to Lorena Bobbit the next? Yup. You're dating a crazy girl. And you're fucked.
4. She has a scary laugh
Does her laugh make your junk shrivel? A beautiful woman laughing is one of the best sounds any guy can hear. However, a Crazy Woman laughing might be the most terrifying thing to hear. The way to certify this is to look at her eyes. Do you feel like you're staring at Satan's butthole? Is there a vast chasm of emptiness, blackness and terror. Go ahead. Listen to her laughing closely. Is it joy? Or a prelude to torture. When she laughs, can you imagine her waterboarding you?
5. When she 'playfully' hits you, she leaves bruises.
It's awfully cute when girls playfully punches you in the shoulder when you're teasing them or gently smack you on your thigh when you crack an inappropriate joke. It's a sign of affection.
Crazy Women however, will beat you like Chris Brown. They will never ever hit you if they're feeling genuine affection for you. However, if you tease them, or crack a joke that mildly offends them they will beat you like they caught you breaking into their house. The worst part, they'll make sure they do it in public so that you can't admit that it actually hurts when their delicate little hands turn into tiny little estrogen fueled fists of rage.
6.She hates your mom
You know how most girls think it's endearing when guys have a healthy, warm relationship with their mum (unless that mom is desi). Crazy girls hate your mum. They consider her the root of all your prejudices and complexes about “liberated women” or “free thinking”. They are of course, right. You see most moms, used to be Normal Women. And as I have mentioned before, Normal Women are able to identify Crazy Women faster than frat boys can spot the drunkest girl at the party.
7.She hates her mom
Crazy Women do not have good relationships with their mothers. Their worst fear is that they will turn out exactly like their mothers. Most of the time, they already have. If you are dating a crazy girl who constantly has fights with her mother, complains about how her mother doesn't understand her or has her mom saved on her phone as “Controlling Bitch Birth Canal Person” you need to run the fuck away.
8.They will find a way to be the victim
Did she beat your ass in public, yet you find yourself apologizing? Did she yell at you in front of all your friends, yet you find yourself grovelling? Did she flirt with some other guy at a party yet you're the one begging for forgiveness? Crazy Women will always find a way to make you the fascist, misogynistic mullah in the relationship. If she does anything to upset you, it's because of your inability to handle a 'strong independent woman'. Anytime you cast so much as a disapproving fart in her direction, she will snarl at you while lobbing the eternally despised morality loophole “HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME”
9.They will take over your Facebook page.
You know how most animals pee in a large circle to mark their territory? Crazy Women will do the same thing to your Facebook page. She will flood your wall with inane comments that will start off fairly innocuously with cutesy, humorous little quips followed by smileys or their immoral cousins, winky smileys. e.g
“Call me today :)”
“I miss you!”
“Haha..this picture of yours is silly:)”
They may seem harmless but they are in fact none-too-subtle messages to the public that she keeps your manhood locked in an old shoebox under her bed. This graduates to more sociopathic behaviour:
'Why are you ignoring me?”
“I hate you”
“Fuck you. Call me”
10. Her ex is visibly relieved to not be dating her
Usually it's always a tense situation when you meet your girlfriend's ex. You start sizing him up, comparing yourself to him, wondering what she liked about him and whether he still has feelings for her. If however, you mention her name and the guy's expression glazes over like he's having a Vietnam flashback you need to be worried. Is he overly enthusiastic about meeting you? Does he give you a man hug and repeatedly confirm whether you and the girl are still together? Does he walk away from you while singing and clicking his heels together like a guy who's just been given free nachos ? You need to be worried. Very worried.