I'm not going out with her.
1) She has the crazy eyes.
Now this may come as no surprise to you guys, but here reality is, most hot girls who are single have 'the crazy eyes'. There's an old saying, (by old saying I mean 'read it on a t-shirt') that goes "Show me the hottest girl in the world, and I'll show you someone who is tired of her shit". And the sad bit is that guys like me can never see it! But I've seen it now. So next time you consider going out with this girl, look deep into her eyes. She may think you're being romantic. But look. More often than not you will see the vast blackness, a portal of neediness, possessiveness, PMS rage and moodswings.
There is apparently a scale that shows you have to be of a certain hotness to be that crazy. They are directly proportional, i.e. A girl is allowed to be pretty crazy the hotter she is. But if a girl batshit insane and not hot enough, run. No one wants to take shit from an uggles.
2) She hates the gym. But she loves the food.
Yep, this seems really shallow. But sometimes you know she's gonna get fat. Now I don't mind a woman putting on a few pounds. But I hate dealing with the awkward situations that arise after she has, like when she tries on her old clothes and finds herself not fitting into them. Sample conversation.
Girl: Omar! I can't fit into my old clothes! Why oh why! I'll never get them adjusted in time for the wedding/party/circumcision celebration.
Now one can react to this in a variety of ways.
Reaction #1: (Sweetly) Babe, it's OK, I think you look much better this way, even sexier...mmm I love your curves...let us kiss with tongue.
Analysis: Women can see lies much the same way men can spot the drunkest girl at the party. Quickly and clearly.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.
Reaction#2: (Rationally) Babe you haven't put on that much weight, you've still got time, let's join the gym and lay off the carbs for a while.
Analysis: Not only have you implied that she is a lazy bitch for not going to the gym before but you've decided to control her make-bad-feeling-go-bye-bye food intake. That means the next time she is depressed, rather than reaching for the comfort of cheesecake or ice-cream she is going to call your ass up and expect you to comfort her when you are doing something important like watching TV or having a furious wank.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.
Reaction #3: (Frankly) BITCH WHY YOU SO FAT!
Analysis: Now obviously one could have done a little better with this sentence. The inclusion of 'bitch', is demeaning. And technically you should have put an "are' between the 'why' and the 'you', so as to be clearer. This is basically a make or break, your honesty will show her that you are a brave person and willing to be the man to hold up a mirror to her. She nows you will always do the right thing.
Result: Passionate love making......just kidding.... death by asphyxiation you stupid choot.
3) She blatantly evaluates me for marriage.
Hey I'm all about getting married, but do you have to be freaking obvious about it? We will be having a random conversation about life and other fun things and then she will suddenly ask me, how many kids I want. And the worst is when they try to sneak this shit in the middle of a conversation so that it creeps up on you like a midget ninja.
Girl: Hahaha, I love watching the Simpsons!
Me: Wow that's awesome! I love watching the Simpsons too!
Girl: So are your parents Urdu-speaking?
Let's not forget when they spring hypothetical family situations on you. I will happily be enjoying a joke about pathans when she will pose this question to me,
"My uncle's wife is Pathan. And she's speaks with a lisp. She's kind of a midget. And she has a huge mole. Would you make fun of her too?"
4) She types LOL. And then she types 'HAHAH' right after.
This is pet peeve. I'm generally not a huge fan of LOL. It seems like you are too lazy to actually laugh. I feel like I have been cheated out of a reaction. I'm suspicious that she is not really laughing but in fact humoring me. But I understand this is the norm So I deal.
On the other hand a hearty "hahahahahaha" makes me elated. Especially if there is an exclamation mark or two after it. It seems genuine.
The problem arises when she types LOL and then HAHAHA in the same line. This seems shady. Like she is trying to hard. It might mean she is desperate for attention. or maybe she think LOL means something other than Laugh Out Loud. Bottom line, this is just plain redundant.
Other net abbreviation that will make me judge you include ROFL. Rolling On the Floor Laughing? You have no dignity.
LMAO: If you mention your ass. We will think about it.
LMFAO: A Lady does not speak this way.
Also any combination of ROFL, LMAO, is completely unacceptable. If you are truly tickled by what someone has said, use the vocabularly to express it. Or else I will have to come up with my own.
IOLCUH: I'm Only Laughing Cuz U Hot
ICBWI: I Could Be Wanking Instead.
TUDGTJBALA: Thinking You Didn't Get The Joke But Are Laughing Anyway
DOS: Dreaming of Suicide.
5) She's kinda like...my mom.
Freud fucked shit for us forever. Deal with it.
6) She asks me for my email password.
By far the worst thing a girl can do in order to get more couply is ask you for your email password. What the hell is this disturbing trend? When did couples feel the need to share every fucking thing? Don't be fooled if she comes up with a guilt inducing argument like "What do you have to hide?" I GOT PLENTY TO HIDE! I have emails from old girlfriends! I have dirty pictures my friends sent me! I have dirty jokes my friends sent me! I have emails of me bitching about your friends! I have sexist exchanges with my buddies!
This is an unacceptable breach of privacy. And even if she gives your her email password, don't fall for it. a) It's probably her dummy boring email account, not the real one where she still talks to her ex. b) Grow a fucking pair.