Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm not going out with her.

OK so I am totally not gonna go out with this girl. This is why.

1) She has the crazy eyes.

Now this may come as no surprise to you guys, but here reality is, most hot girls who are single have 'the crazy eyes'. There's an old saying, (by old saying I mean 'read it on a t-shirt') that goes "Show me the hottest girl in the world, and I'll show you someone who is tired of her shit". And the sad bit is that guys like me can never see it! But I've seen it now. So next time you consider going out with this girl, look deep into her eyes. She may think you're being romantic. But look. More often than not you will see the vast blackness, a portal of neediness, possessiveness, PMS rage and moodswings.

There is apparently a scale that shows you have to be of a certain hotness to be that crazy. They are directly proportional, i.e. A girl is allowed to be pretty crazy the hotter she is. But if a girl batshit insane and not hot enough, run. No one wants to take shit from an uggles.

2) She hates the gym. But she loves the food.

Yep, this seems really shallow. But sometimes you know she's gonna get fat. Now I don't mind a woman putting on a few pounds. But I hate dealing with the awkward situations that arise after she has, like when she tries on her old clothes and finds herself not fitting into them. Sample conversation.

Girl: Omar! I can't fit into my old clothes! Why oh why! I'll never get them adjusted in time for the wedding/party/circumcision celebration.

Now one can react to this in a variety of ways.

Reaction #1: (Sweetly) Babe, it's OK, I think you look much better this way, even sexier...mmm I love your curves...let us kiss with tongue.
Analysis: Women can see lies much the same way men can spot the drunkest girl at the party. Quickly and clearly.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction#2: (Rationally) Babe you haven't put on that much weight, you've still got time, let's join the gym and lay off the carbs for a while.
Analysis: Not only have you implied that she is a lazy bitch for not going to the gym before but you've decided to control her make-bad-feeling-go-bye-bye food intake. That means the next time she is depressed, rather than reaching for the comfort of cheesecake or ice-cream she is going to call your ass up and expect you to comfort her when you are doing something important like watching TV or having a furious wank.
Result: Death by asphyxiation.

Reaction #3: (Frankly) BITCH WHY YOU SO FAT!
Analysis: Now obviously one could have done a little better with this sentence. The inclusion of 'bitch', is demeaning. And technically you should have put an "are' between the 'why' and the 'you', so as to be clearer. This is basically a make or break, your honesty will show her that you are a brave person and willing to be the man to hold up a mirror to her. She nows you will always do the right thing.
Result: Passionate love making......just kidding.... death by asphyxiation you stupid choot.

3) She blatantly evaluates me for marriage.

Hey I'm all about getting married, but do you have to be freaking obvious about it? We will be having a random conversation about life and other fun things and then she will suddenly ask me, how many kids I want. And the worst is when they try to sneak this shit in the middle of a conversation so that it creeps up on you like a midget ninja.

Girl: Hahaha, I love watching the Simpsons!
Me: Wow that's awesome! I love watching the Simpsons too!
Girl: So are your parents Urdu-speaking?

Let's not forget when they spring hypothetical family situations on you. I will happily be enjoying a joke about pathans when she will pose this question to me,

"My uncle's wife is Pathan. And she's speaks with a lisp. She's kind of a midget. And she has a huge mole. Would you make fun of her too?"

Fuck.

4) She types LOL. And then she types 'HAHAH' right after.

This is pet peeve. I'm generally not a huge fan of LOL. It seems like you are too lazy to actually laugh. I feel like I have been cheated out of a reaction. I'm suspicious that she is not really laughing but in fact humoring me. But I understand this is the norm So I deal.
On the other hand a hearty "hahahahahaha" makes me elated. Especially if there is an exclamation mark or two after it. It seems genuine.
The problem arises when she types LOL and then HAHAHA in the same line. This seems shady. Like she is trying to hard. It might mean she is desperate for attention. or maybe she think LOL means something other than Laugh Out Loud. Bottom line, this is just plain redundant.

Other net abbreviation that will make me judge you include ROFL. Rolling On the Floor Laughing? You have no dignity.

LMAO: If you mention your ass. We will think about it.

LMFAO: A Lady does not speak this way.

Also any combination of ROFL, LMAO, is completely unacceptable. If you are truly tickled by what someone has said, use the vocabularly to express it. Or else I will have to come up with my own.

IOLCUH: I'm Only Laughing Cuz U Hot
ICBWI: I Could Be Wanking Instead.
TUDGTJBALA: Thinking You Didn't Get The Joke But Are Laughing Anyway
DOS: Dreaming of Suicide.

5) She's kinda like...my mom.

Freud fucked shit for us forever. Deal with it.

6) She asks me for my email password.

By far the worst thing a girl can do in order to get more couply is ask you for your email password. What the hell is this disturbing trend? When did couples feel the need to share every fucking thing? Don't be fooled if she comes up with a guilt inducing argument like "What do you have to hide?" I GOT PLENTY TO HIDE! I have emails from old girlfriends! I have dirty pictures my friends sent me! I have dirty jokes my friends sent me! I have emails of me bitching about your friends! I have sexist exchanges with my buddies!

This is an unacceptable breach of privacy. And even if she gives your her email password, don't fall for it. a) It's probably her dummy boring email account, not the real one where she still talks to her ex. b) Grow a fucking pair.

40 Comments:

Blogger Khizzy said...

*sigh*
this may seem like a sexist post...but having a male sibling helps one put things into perspective. and not smack you.
i have been unwilling audience to his 'encounters', have been victim to one of his hot/crazies...and i see friends try the "what caste are you?" question.
not being offended at this post comes from the same understanding that makes us not get pissed off anymore when we see men yelling, "WOMEN DRIVERS SHOULD BE SHOT" while driving...because when its our turn...sadly we yell the same thing. its my mom's favorite rant, except she stops at "women drivers...aaaargh!!!"

you will not die for this post, GF. atleast not at my hands.
:)

12:54 PM  
Blogger Aziza said...

IOLCUH. Otherwise you're a sexist pig.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Philistine said...

Circumcision should not be celebrated. Say NO to sexual violence.

3:42 PM  
Blogger root said...

hahaha.. By far the most hilarious post I have read this week !

You absolutely killed it amigo! ;)

And you women with your 'sexist' rubbish: Quit it, quit it now and accept the facts of life!

Men don't call women sexist as much as women call men sexist, and usually most men will have a very strong accusation to charge a woman with sexism, not a blog post that is seemingly 'sexist'.

"Oh look, being mean to a particular member of the opposite sex, not the entire species. SEXIST **** !! Death by asphyxiation !!"

Everyone has the right to express their opinions, and that includes men ! and their opinions about crazy girlfriend candidates! So what the bloody hell is so sexist about cracking a bit of humour!

Great post buddy, keep writing ;)

5:39 PM  
Anonymous zf said...

haha, nice post. Not your best, but thats only cause you've already set the bar so high!

However:-
"No one wants to take shit from an uggles."
This was kinda objectionable. I managed to ignore the rest.

6:05 PM  
OpenID sabaimtiaz said...

Tsk tsk, OBA. You should have credited Barney Stinson for the crazy eyes theory. Some of us do watch How I Met Your Mother y'know.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Omar said...

@khizzy: Thanks for the impassioned defense! Although I fear it may not be enough to save me from the judgement of

@Aziza: Sigh....yes i know...I'm awful.

@Philistine: I never did understand why the whole thing was such a celebration either..

@root: thanks! although I'd be quite surprised if people actually took me as seriously sexist...

@zf: I agree...not the best post...It was either this or a heartfelt tribute to Michael Jackson. I took the easy way out..

@saba: Funnily enough, me and my friends had been talking about the 'crazy eyes' long before the comedy show, so I was pleasant;y surprised to see Barney Stinson put it as eloquently as he did, so I'll give him credit there for the mathematical explanation :)

7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL @ me and my friends had been talking about the 'crazy eyes' long before the comedy show.

you should give more time to Music boi to come out with good music.

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious post. This will go far.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omar bhai, aap bare hu ker kya bana chahte hai??

10:19 PM  
Blogger Majaz said...

This was ... enchanting.

11:22 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

sadly enough the standard of humor has forever been deteriorating globally and it always boils down to men Vs women. It could've been a little more original but a good attempt nonetheless!

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post bought abt all 3 of the following:
LOL, LMAO & ROFL
:)

1:54 AM  
Anonymous lailaaa said...

Hello. I have an aunt named Shen (like what kind of name is THAT? SHEN. LOLROFLLMFAOHAHAHAHA)who I think might have crazy eyes, would you make fun of her too? Oh wait, I think you may already do so, never mind. Ps can I have your email password?

2:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm guessing ur not really sexist..but i'm also guessing you've not really been with a lot of these crazy girls..and while you call less 'hot' girls uggles..you actually would never go running from a girl who showed you this much interest? Am i right? all talk and less action i assume?

2:20 AM  
OpenID farooqk said...

the password seeking variety should be shot. Social service, you know.

type 2 i wouldnt mind, more cushion for the pushin'... :D

4:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anonymous 1: stop wasting your time on this blog and go study.

4:06 AM  
Blogger hushed said...

Loved every bit of this post, it's hilarious. Seems like I'll have to change a tag line I swear by "Women generally have a bad deal, world over"
seems like we are getting back at you somewhere
I say shoot all creatures men women or a bit o both who ask for your email password

5:53 AM  
Blogger blueroses said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:41 AM  
Blogger jammie said...

aww are the female fans getting to us then eh? :)

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Find a girl who was ugly as a child but is now pretty. That way she develops a personality but is now pretty.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crazy eyes...stop stealing from 'How I Met Your Mother'

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanna curse you.
Here goes..

*you will fall for a girl who is not hot and very fat
has crazy eyes and hacks your email account ... and u will just love her crazy for the rest of your life*

:D LOL hahahahahaha
hahahaha!!

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanna curse you.
Here goes..

*you will fall for a girl who is not hot and very fat
has crazy eyes and hacks your email account ... and u will just love her crazy for the rest of your life*

:D LOL hahahahahaha
hahahaha!!

9:44 PM  
Blogger .::FrOzEn::. said...

O-kay. that was crazy, hillarious yet quite true. Though I'm also a girl and I should defend the girls but I'm just being honest here :-P

It was good. Very well written and captured my attention with full concentration through out the read. Made me laugh, sigh, smile, and a lil bit angry too but thats okay.

It was a rattling good post.

PS, Don't ask how I came across it.

12:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good lord this blog is hilarious.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Ahsan said...

I can't wait for you to become an international rock star so I can copy and paste this and send it to everyone and ruin your career.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

hhahahaha!!!

Your Buffoonish drolling is funny... Sexist like shit...but funny! ...

I likes.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous gm said...

Interesting post and i agree with quite a few points, although i don't seem to favor the description of them. :)

IMO, this is exactly why a girl should have something beyond family life and marriage stuff...something to define her so that others can appreciate her for more than beauty.

And if there is a girl like that, then guys are totally terrified of her branding her as cold statue or as having not enough domestic skills.

All guys want is a confident,hotshot babe who can switch on/off based on his request. Nothing wrong...it's just so typical SouthAsian (Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi) :)

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Raza said...

man...i totally agree with the lol comment..good stuff!

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant. I don't care much for the music but by gaaaad, you make for fine comedic writer. I'm doing my bit to spread your blog across the border.

-VB

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since girls have problems
why dont u marry a boy? :)

5:04 AM  
Anonymous Kalsoom said...

You think girls are bad when they LOL. Try guys. And I hate when people write LOLZ or spell things wrong on purpose like "sum gurlz thinks dis is wrong." It's like nails on a chalkboard.


Great post. I "hahaha"ed the whole way through.

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Shivangi said...

Ooh, I like it. Funny enough for me to not point and say, 'YOU SEXIST PIG!'

And the thing about the crazy-eyes and the crazy-hot scale is totally How I Met Your Mother, yeah. Though I think someone else pointed it out before I could. Damn.

1:36 AM  
Blogger Lonely Perverted Soul said...

Hey funnny post.... it cracked me up... the first point i remember from a frnds episode...

7:38 PM  
Blogger Xeb said...

This was a hilarious post! :D

5:47 PM  
Blogger SAMMb said...

fucking funny ass post!!
... and loved anon's comment "Find a girl who was ugly as a child but is now pretty. That way she develops a personality but is now pretty." hahahahha

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lmao.. hilarious

2:32 AM  
Blogger Moonie said...

I think I was probably about to commit suicide when I stumbled across this. You make me laugh.

3:10 AM  
Anonymous Rooshanie said...

Fantastic blog, great post!

5:02 PM  

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