Monday, December 29, 2008

When Writers Attack

Now as many of you know, we performed with The Munchkins at PACC last weekend. I haven't blogged about the show, or the one with Zeb and Haniya, well basically because I'm a lazy bastard. More on that later. Anyway, it was interesting to see two wildly different accounts of the concert in the press.

Here's what Saba Imtiaz had to say about us from The News Instep Saturday Dec 27th, 2008

"Aunty Disco Project - which now features the enhanced line-up of Ali Alam along with Omar Bilal Akhtar, Yasir Qureshi and Omer Khalid - were the opening act for The Munchkins. And this performance - had such remarkable energy - down to the synchronized guitaring between Omar and Ali or Omar jumping onstage, in true rock star glory. And the rock star moves transcended from the attitude to the stage to. Ali dedicated a song to a concertgoer who had earlier cribbed on Facebook about the high ticket price saying, "He spent a lot of money to get here and I'm sorry I couldn't help him." The tickets were priced at 500 rupees a head, to which Gumby's explanation was "inflation." Unfortunately, inflation has also hit the concertgoer, yet most event tickets are priced at 500 rupees or above.

Ali has clearly added a lot to the band and one can see that quite clearly, and it defnitely fantastic to be able to hear Ali performing his single 'Raat Jaagi' live. Omar Bilal Akhtar of ADP agrees - he thinks the band has become a lot more "confident and professional since Ali joined. It has become a more concentrated effort."

And Aunty Disco Project was definitely loud (despite hiccups from the sound engineer) and loving it - and their finale, featuring a melange of drums, darbouka and guitar sounds definitely ended their set on a high note.....

......The Munchkins' set seemed more cocky and self-assured, performing a number of songs that they always cover. And in terms of stage passion, the younger, original ADP beat them hands down that night."

Not bad right? Now take a look at this. Madeeha Syed from Dawn Images Dec. 28th, 2008

"Another change this time around was also the introduction of an opening act, which was none other than the Aunty Disco Project (ADP). With Imran Lodhi away at college out of the country, the current ADP lineup consists of Yasir Quraishi on darbuka, Omar Bilal Akhtar (Oba) on lead guitar and vocals, Ali Alam on bass and vocals and Omar Khalid (OK) on drums.

During ADP’s performance, the sound levels seemed oddly out of sync which lked to the instruments and the vocals sounding all over the place. Among other songs, they performed the popular Sultanat as well as Oba’s solo single, the haunting Nazar. Some female members in the audience thought to add to the atmosphere by collectively singing a note or two with him, which invited laughter from the rest. They also tried their hand at covers, one of which was Baba O’Reily by The Who. Disappointingly, they didn’t perform the signature guitar solo that comes towards the end of the song.

Another thing that has to be mentioned here is that Oba literally seemed to take it upon himself to embody the spirit and the enthusiasm of the entire band. He jumped numerous times on the tiny little stage while performing with expressions that were determined to force his fervor on the audience — whether they liked it or not — and he swung his arm repeatedly around the guitar. Unfortunately, at a venue such as the PACC and with songs that didn’t match his passion for exhibitionism, his ‘performance’ seemed very much over the top."

Whoa? What did I ever do to her? I mean I just feel really targeted. This second article has no pictures of us and there's no mention of the rest of the band or what they did. I don't mind being criticized over a lacklustre performance or bad singing or songs, that's part of the deal. but to get criticized for jumping around on stage? Would she I rather just stand still and stare off into space? I also love how she's turned the fact that the crowd was singing along to my song into some sort of thing where they are mocking us. Yes thats a great way for us to be mocked. Sing along to our song.

Let's not forget my "passion for exhibitionism". Obviously the writer has spent enough time with me to know about my regular weekend practice of displaying my wang to old ladies at Sunday Bazaar.

Once again, being in public and displaying your work to an audience always means criticism is going to come your way. But these comments seem to come from a really dark place. Almost like someones fishing for criticism.

"Look at that bastard OBA...all jumping on stage...enjoying himself...trying to get the crowd them a show worth their money...what an exhibit
ionist. I'm going to call it a 'performance' while uneccessarily putting that word in quotes."

Anyway, here are links to both the articles. Make what you will of them.

The News Instep

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Yes I know I'm horrible

For awhile I would feel extremely guilty about some of my filthy blog posts which were littered with references to poop and the chootia-esque things people would do. Especially since it was brought to my attention that my blog is being read by several teenage girls who really should not be acquainted with such terms. I also don't want my blog to be read simply by people who are looking to get cheap thrills out of me calling some celebrity a gaandoo. I want to be known for my writing. My content. My issues.

However. I say fuck it.

This is the filthiest blog post ever.

How to become an Expert Swearer.

In my everyday experience, I have come across many expert swearers. There are some who are real pros and some who just lack in the proper delivery. Here are my patented ways to swear properly. There are several different styles to choose from so you may use whatever suits you best.

Machine Gun Style:

This style of abuse may be confused with Tourette's Syndrome, but the trick here is to always keep a level head. You need to convey your frustration without having people think you are completely batshit insane. Your goal should be to let off a quick succession of abuse that will leave your victim both humiliated, confused and most importantly without a comeback. If done right, the machine gun attack can be brutal and highly effective.

The abuse can be in either Urdu or English but in my experience a combination of the two works best. For e.g. your co-worker has just messed up something important to you, you say

“You absolutely incompetent choot turd ass bastard gaandoo”

Notice how if you start with a large english word, the effect is even more devastating because now, not only have you called him a vagina you have implied that he is a mentally inferior one. Use of proper english words shows condescension and adds to the humiliation. Follow it up with a nice urdu swear to drive home the insult. e.g.

“Worthless gaandoo”
“Meritless lora”
“Despicable choot”
“Inexplicable tatta”

Ninja Style:

This style of abuse is best used when you are trying to show how you are superior in both class and style to the people around you. It is simple, yet devastatingly effective. You should wait while two or more people are having a stupid argument over something trivial. Then approach them stealthily and utter one single sentence or even better, one single word that will insult them all and make you look awesome for e.g. two idiots are fighting over something stupid like “What Pakistan needs is education'...quietly walk up them and say

“You're both dildos”

And then quickly walk away. A Ninja attack is never going to work if you stick around waiting for a response. The key is to not give a shit. You have passed your judgment on both these fools, simultaneously. Now you have the power. The more nonchalant you are the better it is. Single words are even better. Can you imagine two yuppie types arguing about the financial crunch? Now normally if you try to engage them in conversation they will look down on you since you know nothing about finance. The best defense is a good offense. It's also cool to lull them into a false sense of security, stand by like you're going to add to the conversation and then just say


Practice your walk away. For some color, while you turn your back to them, raise your wrist and give them the finger.

The Comeback Kid

Being armed with a litany of comebacks is always good practice. One should always be ready for insults coming their way so the best thing to do is to mentally stash a bunch of demeaning one liners. It is always good to invite somebody to do something they would normally not find pleasant, usually involving their lips and your ass. But what really spices things up is when you pretend to keep an appearance of polite manners. For e.g.

“How would you like to suck my balls?”
“Please, eat shit and die”
“Would you be interested in rating my poop?”

People are automatically inclined to be respond positively to good manners so this will really mess up your opponent because they really will feel the urge to rate your poop and will be disgusted with themselves. This will lead to dumbfounded silence where you laugh maniacally and tell them to suck it. Kicking someone when they are down is paramount to abuse survival.

The Dr. Doolittle.

A quick and easy method to be a creative insulter is to imply that your opponent is into deviant sex. This can quickly be achieved by adding “-fucker” to the end of any animal or household object. In animals you can start with domestic farm animals.

“Chicken Fucker”
“Goat Fucker”
“Sheep Fucker”
“Camel Fucker”

Cattle are inherently funny animals so the mental image is both hilarious and shocking. There's not much one can do after being called a camel-fucker except slink back into the shadows and live to fight another day.

If you don't want to use cattle, small rodents are also fair game
“Rat-Fucker”. This is especially effective because you have shown the person to not only be deviant but untrustworthy.

“Squirrel-Fucker”. While a personal favorite of mine, it can go either way because let's face it, no one wants to see a cute little squirrel get pounded by some dude. However, you will always have an opportunity to throw in a pun about how he likes nuts.

However some misguided souls get carried away and start using animals that are the opposite of insulting. For e.g. “Lion-Fucker”. This implies that either you have the sexual skills of a lion or you are just fucking insane enough to bone Mufassa. Both cases aren't really insulting, heck some people might even take it as a compliment.

And “Elephant-Fucker” just isn't a very likely scenario, so stay clear of that because people will spend more time wondering about the logistics of it rather getting insulted.

The Musician:

This requires some thought beforehand because the point is to insult someone using a song. Beginners can use nursery rhymes. For. e.g, use the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

“Ahmed is a

Ahmed is a
And sooo
is his Dad”

The advantage here is that you will create something unique and funny and people will be singing it for days. It is a truly rewarding insult method because of it's long lasting value.
Plus you will get complimented for your musical talent. This is a good way to show positive abuse. Any comeback that will happen will take too long as your opponent scrambles to come up with a reply. Even if he does, the effect will be lost. Throw in a couple of “suck my balls” for good measure while you high five your office co-workers.

*I realize that this may not be the best post to follow up to the one I wrote before. But this is my way of lightening the mood. By gratuitous swear words, I hope we can find peace :)*