Yes I know I'm horrible
However. I say fuck it.
This is the filthiest blog post ever.
How to become an Expert Swearer.
In my everyday experience, I have come across many expert swearers. There are some who are real pros and some who just lack in the proper delivery. Here are my patented ways to swear properly. There are several different styles to choose from so you may use whatever suits you best.
Machine Gun Style:
This style of abuse may be confused with Tourette's Syndrome, but the trick here is to always keep a level head. You need to convey your frustration without having people think you are completely batshit insane. Your goal should be to let off a quick succession of abuse that will leave your victim both humiliated, confused and most importantly without a comeback. If done right, the machine gun attack can be brutal and highly effective.
The abuse can be in either Urdu or English but in my experience a combination of the two works best. For e.g. your co-worker has just messed up something important to you, you say
“You absolutely incompetent choot turd ass bastard gaandoo”
Notice how if you start with a large english word, the effect is even more devastating because now, not only have you called him a vagina you have implied that he is a mentally inferior one. Use of proper english words shows condescension and adds to the humiliation. Follow it up with a nice urdu swear to drive home the insult. e.g.
This style of abuse is best used when you are trying to show how you are superior in both class and style to the people around you. It is simple, yet devastatingly effective. You should wait while two or more people are having a stupid argument over something trivial. Then approach them stealthily and utter one single sentence or even better, one single word that will insult them all and make you look awesome for e.g. two idiots are fighting over something stupid like “What Pakistan needs is education'...quietly walk up them and say
“You're both dildos”
And then quickly walk away. A Ninja attack is never going to work if you stick around waiting for a response. The key is to not give a shit. You have passed your judgment on both these fools, simultaneously. Now you have the power. The more nonchalant you are the better it is. Single words are even better. Can you imagine two yuppie types arguing about the financial crunch? Now normally if you try to engage them in conversation they will look down on you since you know nothing about finance. The best defense is a good offense. It's also cool to lull them into a false sense of security, stand by like you're going to add to the conversation and then just say
Practice your walk away. For some color, while you turn your back to them, raise your wrist and give them the finger.
The Comeback Kid
Being armed with a litany of comebacks is always good practice. One should always be ready for insults coming their way so the best thing to do is to mentally stash a bunch of demeaning one liners. It is always good to invite somebody to do something they would normally not find pleasant, usually involving their lips and your ass. But what really spices things up is when you pretend to keep an appearance of polite manners. For e.g.
“How would you like to suck my balls?”
“Please, eat shit and die”
“Would you be interested in rating my poop?”
People are automatically inclined to be respond positively to good manners so this will really mess up your opponent because they really will feel the urge to rate your poop and will be disgusted with themselves. This will lead to dumbfounded silence where you laugh maniacally and tell them to suck it. Kicking someone when they are down is paramount to abuse survival.
The Dr. Doolittle.
A quick and easy method to be a creative insulter is to imply that your opponent is into deviant sex. This can quickly be achieved by adding “-fucker” to the end of any animal or household object. In animals you can start with domestic farm animals.
Cattle are inherently funny animals so the mental image is both hilarious and shocking. There's not much one can do after being called a camel-fucker except slink back into the shadows and live to fight another day.
If you don't want to use cattle, small rodents are also fair game
“Rat-Fucker”. This is especially effective because you have shown the person to not only be deviant but untrustworthy.
“Squirrel-Fucker”. While a personal favorite of mine, it can go either way because let's face it, no one wants to see a cute little squirrel get pounded by some dude. However, you will always have an opportunity to throw in a pun about how he likes nuts.
However some misguided souls get carried away and start using animals that are the opposite of insulting. For e.g. “Lion-Fucker”. This implies that either you have the sexual skills of a lion or you are just fucking insane enough to bone Mufassa. Both cases aren't really insulting, heck some people might even take it as a compliment.
And “Elephant-Fucker” just isn't a very likely scenario, so stay clear of that because people will spend more time wondering about the logistics of it rather getting insulted.
This requires some thought beforehand because the point is to insult someone using a song. Beginners can use nursery rhymes. For. e.g, use the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
“Ahmed is a
Ahmed is a
is his Dad”
The advantage here is that you will create something unique and funny and people will be singing it for days. It is a truly rewarding insult method because of it's long lasting value.
Plus you will get complimented for your musical talent. This is a good way to show positive abuse. Any comeback that will happen will take too long as your opponent scrambles to come up with a reply. Even if he does, the effect will be lost. Throw in a couple of “suck my balls” for good measure while you high five your office co-workers.
*I realize that this may not be the best post to follow up to the one I wrote before. But this is my way of lightening the mood. By gratuitous swear words, I hope we can find peace :)*