Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Yes I know I'm horrible

For awhile I would feel extremely guilty about some of my filthy blog posts which were littered with references to poop and the chootia-esque things people would do. Especially since it was brought to my attention that my blog is being read by several teenage girls who really should not be acquainted with such terms. I also don't want my blog to be read simply by people who are looking to get cheap thrills out of me calling some celebrity a gaandoo. I want to be known for my writing. My content. My issues.

However. I say fuck it.

This is the filthiest blog post ever.

How to become an Expert Swearer.

In my everyday experience, I have come across many expert swearers. There are some who are real pros and some who just lack in the proper delivery. Here are my patented ways to swear properly. There are several different styles to choose from so you may use whatever suits you best.

Machine Gun Style:

This style of abuse may be confused with Tourette's Syndrome, but the trick here is to always keep a level head. You need to convey your frustration without having people think you are completely batshit insane. Your goal should be to let off a quick succession of abuse that will leave your victim both humiliated, confused and most importantly without a comeback. If done right, the machine gun attack can be brutal and highly effective.

The abuse can be in either Urdu or English but in my experience a combination of the two works best. For e.g. your co-worker has just messed up something important to you, you say

“You absolutely incompetent choot turd ass bastard gaandoo”

Notice how if you start with a large english word, the effect is even more devastating because now, not only have you called him a vagina you have implied that he is a mentally inferior one. Use of proper english words shows condescension and adds to the humiliation. Follow it up with a nice urdu swear to drive home the insult. e.g.

“Worthless gaandoo”
“Meritless lora”
“Despicable choot”
“Inexplicable tatta”

Ninja Style:

This style of abuse is best used when you are trying to show how you are superior in both class and style to the people around you. It is simple, yet devastatingly effective. You should wait while two or more people are having a stupid argument over something trivial. Then approach them stealthily and utter one single sentence or even better, one single word that will insult them all and make you look awesome for e.g. two idiots are fighting over something stupid like “What Pakistan needs is education'...quietly walk up them and say

“You're both dildos”

And then quickly walk away. A Ninja attack is never going to work if you stick around waiting for a response. The key is to not give a shit. You have passed your judgment on both these fools, simultaneously. Now you have the power. The more nonchalant you are the better it is. Single words are even better. Can you imagine two yuppie types arguing about the financial crunch? Now normally if you try to engage them in conversation they will look down on you since you know nothing about finance. The best defense is a good offense. It's also cool to lull them into a false sense of security, stand by like you're going to add to the conversation and then just say


Practice your walk away. For some color, while you turn your back to them, raise your wrist and give them the finger.

The Comeback Kid

Being armed with a litany of comebacks is always good practice. One should always be ready for insults coming their way so the best thing to do is to mentally stash a bunch of demeaning one liners. It is always good to invite somebody to do something they would normally not find pleasant, usually involving their lips and your ass. But what really spices things up is when you pretend to keep an appearance of polite manners. For e.g.

“How would you like to suck my balls?”
“Please, eat shit and die”
“Would you be interested in rating my poop?”

People are automatically inclined to be respond positively to good manners so this will really mess up your opponent because they really will feel the urge to rate your poop and will be disgusted with themselves. This will lead to dumbfounded silence where you laugh maniacally and tell them to suck it. Kicking someone when they are down is paramount to abuse survival.

The Dr. Doolittle.

A quick and easy method to be a creative insulter is to imply that your opponent is into deviant sex. This can quickly be achieved by adding “-fucker” to the end of any animal or household object. In animals you can start with domestic farm animals.

“Chicken Fucker”
“Goat Fucker”
“Sheep Fucker”
“Camel Fucker”

Cattle are inherently funny animals so the mental image is both hilarious and shocking. There's not much one can do after being called a camel-fucker except slink back into the shadows and live to fight another day.

If you don't want to use cattle, small rodents are also fair game
“Rat-Fucker”. This is especially effective because you have shown the person to not only be deviant but untrustworthy.

“Squirrel-Fucker”. While a personal favorite of mine, it can go either way because let's face it, no one wants to see a cute little squirrel get pounded by some dude. However, you will always have an opportunity to throw in a pun about how he likes nuts.

However some misguided souls get carried away and start using animals that are the opposite of insulting. For e.g. “Lion-Fucker”. This implies that either you have the sexual skills of a lion or you are just fucking insane enough to bone Mufassa. Both cases aren't really insulting, heck some people might even take it as a compliment.

And “Elephant-Fucker” just isn't a very likely scenario, so stay clear of that because people will spend more time wondering about the logistics of it rather getting insulted.

The Musician:

This requires some thought beforehand because the point is to insult someone using a song. Beginners can use nursery rhymes. For. e.g, use the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

“Ahmed is a

Ahmed is a
And sooo
is his Dad”

The advantage here is that you will create something unique and funny and people will be singing it for days. It is a truly rewarding insult method because of it's long lasting value.
Plus you will get complimented for your musical talent. This is a good way to show positive abuse. Any comeback that will happen will take too long as your opponent scrambles to come up with a reply. Even if he does, the effect will be lost. Throw in a couple of “suck my balls” for good measure while you high five your office co-workers.

*I realize that this may not be the best post to follow up to the one I wrote before. But this is my way of lightening the mood. By gratuitous swear words, I hope we can find peace :)*


Blogger Ahsan said...

I am disturbed by your homophobia. Why is "gay" an insult? And that too coming from someone who has made posting holier-than-thou comments on my blog into a virtual art form.

12:59 PM  
Blogger KM said...

*shaking my head in despair*

i'm tempted to resign from the post of your un-paid manager...potty mouthed rockstar, you need a soap bar to chew on.

but yes, the ninja attack did cheer me up.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Omar said...

Hey Ahsan. I can afford to be holier than thou on your blog because people actually come to you for an informed opinion. Plus it's more fun for someone as petulant as me to attack intelligent people.

I really don't think how you can take me seriously given that I devoted an entire paragraph to sex with cattle.

But if you are truly offended, I apologize. But only if you admit you chuckled at a few bits, since you were the inspiration for the Ninja Style response.:)

1:17 PM  
Blogger Omar said...

aaah and my mom both need to embrace the joy of a well chosen swear word. Although i'm pretty sure if my mom said "gaandoo" I would never recover.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I tend to keep mine primarily in english.Urdu swear words sound too cute

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is the worst thing to read in the office, i just loled like a maniac.

you should be paid bountifully for these treasures, seriously!

if anyone's familiar with islamabad, pothwari-meets-english swear words are outrageously genius too!

6:09 PM  
Blogger Saad Ibrahim said...

Cute? you sure? they are mostly female centric so i thought females don't like it

6:19 PM  
Blogger Saad Ibrahim said...

and if you really find it cute then i think i should start swearing in front of girls to impress them :D

6:20 PM  
Blogger divya chandramouli said...

Can you please be the President of Pakistan? See, we'd get funny sound bytes and people will crowd around for those sung renditions. :) Btw, I like your song, Nazar and I also vote for you guys to tour India(threats notwithstanding) as opposed to Atif Aslam or whoever else with a nasal voice.

7:25 PM  
Blogger divya chandramouli said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg hindustani bulawa! and anti atifness thrown in! insanity! i like it.

oh and hey OBA-san, talk about the Forum gig! you guys rocked! total devastation!

wow i am such a wannabe groupie.

6:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed this much in a looong time. you're hilarious! My favorite was the nursery rhyme. The tune keeps playing in my head with these new lyrics. I just hope I dnt start singing it out loud

10:36 AM  
Blogger ali said...

BEST POST EVER! i learnt so much :)

i feel bad for the guy that linked your blog on his anti terrorism website thing...

10:08 PM  
Blogger ali said...


i just read it again...

10:17 PM  
Blogger Saad Ibrahim said...

the *ahem* gaandoo *ahem* was buhat aala

12:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha that was a really fun read, you ARE multi-talented! Although that gay comment did annoy me a bit but I'll take it with a grain of salt because the rest of it was fucking hilarious.

3:49 AM  
Blogger Ahsan said...

One thing you're forgetting is the "Incomprehensible and incoherent, yet strangely arresting" style. For instance, combine two types of insults (something mother related, with something anatomically related) and you get something greater than the sum of its parts: maa kay loray, which makes no sense to anyone. Also, insults followed by the diametric opposite of the insult just used also work well (gandoo followed by chootia, for instance). Questioning the existence of someone's penis, and then asserting that they fuck their sister, is also filed under this category.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Scheherazade said...

Good show!!

I recently started a blog of mine. I would love it if you would add me to your blog roll and vice verse. http://luscious69.blogs

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha. Elephant-fucker.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

dude, get a contract as a playboy-editor or sumfin!!! lol

7:20 PM  
Blogger Tazeen said...

Mary's little lamb would never be the same for me, and i mean never!

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me give it a try!

Terminally Retro Douche bag? Good?

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is like south park :)

1:32 PM  
Blogger Sal said...

This reminds me of this joke someone texted me years ago - Here goes:

So this teacher asks the kids in the class "Wo kon si cheez hai jis kay baray mein suna to bohot hai magar dekha kabhi kisi ne bhi nahi?"

And sure enough, one of them goes, "Bhen ka Lora!"

4:49 AM  

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