Monday, February 01, 2010

Reasons why Shahid Afridi bit the ball

Shahid Afridi decided to bite the ball during Pakistan's last one-day match against Australia. He has been accused of ball-tampering.

I for one, do not believe the allegations. Here I provide several reasons, which provide an alternative explanation for his actions.

1. Afridi was hungry.

Fed up with his limited eating options in non-halal Australia, Afridi was driven mad with hunger. He started hallucinating on the cricket field and when he was handed the cricket ball, he thought it was an apple laced with heroin and bit into it. Now most of us would probably have shattered our front teeth and realized that we weren't eating a apple laced with heroin. But since Boom Boom Afridi is awesome he probably bit a massive chunk out of it, chewed it, digested it and shit out an AK-47 and a pellet of naswar.

2. Afridi was showing aggression.

What could be more terrifying than seeing a member of the opposition act like he is going to savagely devour your testicles? Clearly a calculated move on Afridi's part. The Aussies must have collectively shit their pants when they saw Boom Boom gnawing away at that cricket ball like a deranged beaver. We might have even won the match if Afridi had started chewing on a bat handle...

3. Afridi was horny.

In an effort to show  that he was ready for mating, Afridi had to send out some signals. Here were his options:

  1. Masturbate furiously in the middle of the pitch

  2. Prove his virility by forcibly boning Peter Siddle. (mostly so he could make a rhyme about how he was able to “diddle Siddle”)

  3. Thump his chest and take a shit near the boundary.

  4. Bite a cricket ball to show his hunger for producing offspring.

Luckily for all of us, (and for Peter Siddle) he chose option 4.

4. Afridi is awesome.

Biting a cricket ball is merely the latest in a long list of awesome things Afridi has accomplished. A copy of his itinerary was found in the Pakistan teams dressing room yesterday. Here it is.

7:00 AM: Wake up, kick bitches out of room.
8:00 AM: Give team pep-talk. Threaten sodomy.
8:30 AM: Record new version of Nazia Hassan hit “Boom Boom”. Add “...will fuck you” to lyrics.
9:00 AM: Lead small Pathan village to revolution
10:00 AM: Audition for next Die Hard movie.
11:00 AM: Acknowledge awesomeness and laugh.
12:00 AM: Lunch: Find weakest member of Aussie Team and eat him.
1:00 PM: Start match. Go to Australian dressing room, rub testicles on all their gear.
2:00 PM: Score match winning 2 off one ball.
3:00 PM: Bite cricket ball
7:00PM: Find bitches.

5. Afridi is batshit fucking insane

How has this never occurred to anybody?
That's how Afridi rolls. He's unpredictable. He's loco. Insane in the membrane. Does he even know he's playing cricket? For all we know Boom Boom has no idea what the fuck he's doing in the middle of a stadium with 7,000 screaming fans. Heck he probably has no idea who the fuck Boom Boom is. Can you imagine the confusion? The poor terrified Afridi just wanted all those white people to stop yelling and that other white dude to stop hitting that fucking ball towards him all day. To make it stop, he picked up the ball and bit the fuck out of it. He was merely registering a legitimate, but ultimately, batshit-fucking-insane protest.


Blogger Sami said...

Dude, Afridi is a fucking warrior. He belongs in a gladiatorial arena, raping lions with a morning star. Our modern sensitive feelings-based culture is a pussy that he can finger-bang while battling a legion of Spartans and crushing the skulls of giants underfoot.

In ancient times he would be sat upon a throne made of his victim's skulls while we gifted him our women. Instead we moan like old women.


2:30 PM  
Blogger Moonie said...

batshit-fucking-insane. haha. i will use this in front of someone just to show off.

haha. its the funniest..i cant stop saying it over and over in my head.

2:55 PM  
Blogger KM said...

i grudgingly give you some points for making me laugh with this post.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Alpha Za said...

Afridi is batshit fucking insane, but I think your missing the point. You see Afridi wasn't trying to tamper the ball, the team was merely fucking with him, tell him that it was an apple and that everyone could bite into it and if Afridi didn't he'd be a total fucking wuss. Afridi did it for his manhood, his wife, his family and his flipping country. Be more grateful!

3:34 PM  
Blogger ishma said...

You're just jealous 'cause nobody refers to you as 'boom boom'anything.

3:49 PM  
Blogger I'm that girl said...

maybe he was just goofing off with the boys.
and no one got the joke.

4:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your stoopid funny dude. Lol points for the laughter factor.

12:35 AM  
Anonymous Mo Baba said...

You should be in the running for a solid PCB post, and later the Prez of IRP.

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Afridi, knew the team was about to lose and thus bite the dust. He just took the meaning literally and jumped at the first opportunity that presented itself. What better way to bite some dust when some just registered itself a beaten out white orb!

10:57 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

He just wanted to advertise his brand of toothpaste, you people dont get it

3:59 AM  
Blogger anoop said...

I think this will lead to a phrase- "OH Shit I bit the ball" meaning "I cheated in spite of knowing the risks of getting caught with my pants down"..

I'll try to use this phrase as often as humanely possible and spread the usage.. :P

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friend, you are a fellow lunatic. You are desperately needed here:

It is a tribute site where we recognise what a bad insaan Shahid Afridi he is, what a real life boar he is.

3:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Afridi fans, you belong here:

Join us.

1:19 AM  
Anonymous UTP said...

ufff....fricking hilarious man...!!!

1:51 AM  
Blogger hushed said...

this is INSANE
I am having trouble keeping a straight face at work.

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Omar Bilal Akhtar is a son of a bitch............... cant say more to him..... but he deserve more than that..... fuck u bilal akhtar...

10:15 PM  
Blogger mun said...

Proud to be an Aunty and I say to you young man, YOU'RE HILARIOUS! i LOVE your humour! can't stop laughing! :D

10:27 AM  
Blogger Jason B.D.K. Alliman said...

hahaha dude, you're hilarious. i'm following you just 'cause of this post!

11:09 PM  
Blogger Jason B.D.K. Alliman said...

what?! no 'follow' option?? guess not then... booo

11:11 PM  

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