Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ugly Babies and Advertising.

Hey there new parents, congratulations! You guys have a bouncing baby boy or a beautiful little girl. I am really happy for you. I love kids. I really do. I think your kids are beautiful. You guys look like a wonderful happy family.

So why would you ruin it by letting your kids come on television. Aah because they’re cute. I see. But here’s the deal. Your kid is ugly.

Advertising people take heed. You are using far too many ugly kids in your television/ print ads.

Now in Pakistani ads, the good looking hierarchy runs so. You make the lead female, usually 20-something perfect bahoo type, good looking, but not too hot because then we’ll think she’s slutty. Point in case, remember that time when walls decided that the best way to sell ice cream is to put up a picture of nice-looking model passionately fellating a choc-bar. This has caused several pile-ups on Zamzama and many uncomfortable moments between me and my mum while we’re driving.

Mother: Wow that is an uncomfortable ad. It looks likes she is sucking dick.
Me: DID YOU JUST SAY DI… *instant brain hemorrhage”

Ok so maybe that didn’t happen.

But I digress. My point is that it seems that advertising spends all their money on making the female hot but neglecting everyone else. Which is fine by me, sex sells etc. The men are predictably douche-bags. The husbands are almost always excruciatingly stupid. For e.g. take that ad for TREAT Biscuits. Here’s how it goes.

Husband: Bring me TREAT with chai (1st time)
Husband: Bring me chai with TREAT (2nd time)
Husband: Bring me TREAT as it is

Cue laughter.

Here’s how it probably would go.

Husband: Bring me TREAT with CHAI (1st time)
Wife: (comes back smiling and carrying massive pole).

*You can guess what happens next.

So fair enough, you choose total douche-bag guys to model alongside hottie women so that losers like us think we’re in with a chance. I appreciate it the way I appreciate thinking I have a shot with Kate Hudson after a bout of explosive diarrhea.

But yes. Coming back to my point. What is up with all the ugly babies? Man babies are supposed to be cute and cuddly. Instead we have these uggles lining up on tv selling diapers shaking their wrinkly asses and wiggling their unibrows. Fuck! I hate ugly babies...they creep me out almost as much as clowns. And the worst bit is ugly babies act all cool and shit, like they don’t know they ugly. They pick on the cute ones. Whatever uggle-muffin, I know you ugly, and I know you wax your back.

I’ll be sitting around, being happy, bouncing a cute baby on my knee when some uggle will come around looking for attention. This really ruins my high. So I’m all like “fuck off ugly baby! Go play with the dog!” And then I tie some chicken round its neck, cuz fuck me if the dog doesn’t need motivation.

*True story* Incidentally I recently dropped the f-bomb around my 1 year old niece when she was here. Well to be honest, it was much worse. It was actually the c-h-o-o-t-i-a bomb. I am hoping to god she never repeated it. She was sitting around playing with her toys. I was watching a hapless Pakistan team get schooled by India. And Younis Khan played a shot that made him look like Govinda on crystal meth. As he predictably got out I went into convulsions. To my credit I didn’t yell it…I just said it. With feeling. The moment I did I looked in horror at my niece, who had suddenly lost interest in her blocks and was now staring intently at her moron uncle who had just uttered a most delightful sounding word. I stared back at her willing her to forget the last few seconds. She knew I did a bad thing. I had the same expression on my face that she has when she poops. A tense standoff occurred, complete with rapid eye-closeups and wild west music. Then she gave in and went back to playing. But I could have sworn I saw her silently mouth the word to herself. I guess she’s going to give mommy a surprise one of these days. And mommy is in turn going to give me a surprise, which I’m pretty sure will involve gruesome violence.

Now that I have offended you all and ensured my place in hell…take care, till next time bubye!

*For those of you who didn’t guess it, the husband gets his TREAT. In the butthole.


Blogger KM said...

lol...i have on two different occasions blogged about the walls ads and babies in diaper ads.
though my posts are super kosher compared to yours.

your niece is cute.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

what's up dude....hahaha... just read your last 2 posts...u went from sappy, songwriter complaining about lack of inspiration, to sappy, songwriter complaining about ugly babies hahaha.....BEE a MAn, THEW the RIGHT THING (in crazy chinese accent)
congrats on the baby though
hope things are well, much love to the ADP up pics and stuff so i know whats happening with the gigs and all....tell ali alam i met sami khizilbash, and he is very tight with his new band....alriight rock n roll

10:06 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

the whole column was great, but that TREAT wife should have come with something better than a pole.......maybe a rusted pole, or a maybe a chainsaw, that oughta put an end to all endings :P

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a strange, STRANGE boy.

I like the weirdness :P!

And poor, poor Dania. Or poor you rather, if she ever uses that word :P.

1:33 PM  
Blogger tasha-ness said...

first of all, i applaud you on your usage of uggle muffin. i bow to you....*starry eyed groupie moment*

that aside.... you are a horrible horrible little man!


...ugg-os need love too....

5:17 AM  
Blogger ali said...

needless to say you totally misrepresented the facts to prove a point.
THAT is not how the treat ad goes.

its people like you that are cynical and hateful, and give pakistan a bad name.

unlike us party people who just wanna have fun.

will the lady from the previous post please invite me to the caramel clubbing thing.


i'm expecting a response from atta.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

and you succeded dearest ali.....YOU SUCCEEDED!!!!!!..i think i've mispelt "succeeded", feel free to sorrect me

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The politically-correct me wants to say: "Oh the profanity! Let the babies be!"

But here's what I really want to say while snickering in secret: "Oh lordy, that's funny."

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
*does victory dance*

11:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate ugly babies.. always cuming up to u, seeking attention.. and despite the fact the are ugly, their mommy wants the people to give attention to their babies.. who not only are ugly but also filthy little things putting hands in everything they see.. huh!
lol anyway, THAT WAS AWESOME! I loveeee yuuuu and I love ur posts! amayzing thinking you've got there.. lol! =p

9:06 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

wow i've been isolated from the net for the past 3 weeks, and this is how it all turns up............NOWHERE????? we're still stuck on ugly babies.......or maybe my worst fears have been conformed.........ADP BROKE UP!?!?!?!

2:38 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

atta! ADP hasn't broken up, we have a concert tommorow, Saturday May 24th at INdus Valley 8:30 pm tickets are Rs. 250 available at the there dude, don't miss us this time!

3:14 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

dude!!!!!!! i havent seen u guys in a long while now!!!! not even in defene!!! and i roam alot in defence!!!!! wtf mate???

3:23 AM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

i stand corrected.......just saw the whole ADP line up last night at gig over there!!!

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you don't know it...but because of you, world domination is mine.

11:30 PM  
Blogger for every reaction.... said...

u should consider writing a literary equivalent of playboy! Omar Hefner sounds good and very believable....By the way i dont have ascess o any of your music here in India! by the way u write i'm sure dying to hear your music...!Not vague badly shot home videos on you tube!
Good luck,
The lady in the water

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wats ur point man..............

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:31 AM  

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