Monday, November 10, 2008

Lux Style Awards i.e. The Great Atif Aslam Wank-Off

Man I laughed so hard when I read the reports on the Lux Style Awards. Now usually, I would be my bitter self and castigate our dysfunctional and tremendously stupid and petty celebrity types but I have to say that for sheer entertainment value, this Lux Style Awards ceremony was awesome! Apparently the whole thing turned into a "my dick is bigger than your dick" fiasco. Ali Azmat picking on Faakhir! Iman picking on Shaan! Good times.

Now for some reason, despite my warning to all journalists at the beginning of this year, Khuda Key Liye will just not go away. It seems that this one little movie is the only quality product we could squeeze out of our creative asses and now we'll continue to wash ourselves in its infinite glory. For fucks sake, can't we let it go? I swear if I have to read another report on how Fawad Khan is the greatest actor since Marlon Brando's left nut and how Iman Ali was incredible in her debut performance ( let's be honest here...her acting wasn't incredible) I am going to mail a box of my poop directly to Shoaib Mansoor.

But I digress. Since the Lux Style Awards is clearly about rewarding the talent in our entertainment industry. They seem to do a pretty good job with fashion, and television. But I'm glad that our music industry only has Atif Aslam and the band Atif Aslam used to be a part of. Because they really do deserve all the awards. And attention. I think our music industry should be relegated to a two party system, kinda like American politics, where you can either like Atif Aslam or Jal. Then the Lux Style Awards will not only be a valid representation of our tastes but it'll be like the political debates. And all of us Atif Aslam supporters will sneak over to the Jal side and shit on their supporters. And then Jal supporters will retaliate with attack ads on Atif's latent homosexuality.

You know I'm also glad that they don't let anyone else perform either. Because if its one thing this country needs, its more Atif Aslam. In fact, fuck the whole performance thing. They should just have Atif come on stage and masturbate furiously.

Oh and then there's Jal, who are kinda like Atif Aslam's retarded younger brother. You feel that everyone kinda keeps giving them the consolation prize after Atif bitch slapped them and ran away with their songs.

But my favorite comment about the whole thing came from Mustafa Zahid, the lead singer of Roxen. When asked about why Roxen didn't attend the ceremony he said something to the effect of "I'm 6"2 and I can't travel in economy because I don't fit in the seats, I asked them to send me a business class ticket, which they didn't so i didn't come".

Fuckin Ay! Thats right Mustafa Zahid lead singer of Roxen! Tell em to suck it hard! Man I gotta give this guy props. I mean life is obviously tough for a man of his Yeti-like proportions so if those asshats organizing the awards can't get him a BUSINESS CLASS TICKET then they can suck his balls. I'm with you on that one Mustafa. You gotta nip these things in the bud.

And check it...Ali Azmat puts the smackdown on Faakhir.

(Excerpts from the article in The News Instep Sunday Nov 9, 2008 by Aamna Haider Isani)

"Fakhir was obviously not prepared for the verbal assault in which Ali called him a "pretty boy" followed by a jibe that Fakhir was dressed like a waiter or rather a joker. "The waiters want their clothes back," Ali said, followed by, "Hey I'm acting like a joker and you're dressed like one."

Ooooooh SNAP! Waisey it would be pretty funny if Faakhir had in fact stolen the waiters clothes. Can you imagine the scene.

Waiter: Yaar tujhey kya hua? (Hey man what happened to you?)
Shivering naked other waiter: Bhainchod faakhir...phir kaprey ley gaya (Faakhir the sister-fucker stole my clothes again)

Waiter: Bhainchod...(Sister-fucker...he is)

And then Iman Ali went to town on Shaan. However, for the sake of entertainment and my twisted mind i am going to paraphrase their fight as it would have gone down in the ghetto

Iman: I catch you talkin' shit about me Im'a put ma boot so far up yo ass yo gon be flossin with ma heel son
Shaan: Bitch go make me a sandwich!
Iman: Sheeeit I shoulda pissed on you like R. Kelly
Shaan: Bitch go make me a sandwich

Waisey, I'm wondering how Mobilink haven't already had a shit fit already given that it's two biggest draws...(the chick who dances in the Jazz Budget video and the dude who killed his wife so that he could bone Vaneeza) aren't getting along.

For what it's worth, I for one am happy that our celebrities are not boring. So here's to our celebrities...may they be petty and mind numbingly stupid always, because otherwise we'd just be proud of them, and no one likes a gloater.


Blogger KM said...

all that rockstar rage should be channeled into making good music.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Omar said...

Yes yes I know....but this is so much fun. Besides I can't write any songs which have the word "bone' in them...

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey do you know where I can download a video of these awards?

2:18 PM  
Blogger Opinionated Jaahil said...

Yes you can write songs with the word bone in them.
People are stupid, remember?:P

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

....with a niknak paddy whack give the dog a .. HAAAWWWWW!!! mummy!!

this is one intelligent blog post covering LSA if any! loves it!
glad someone's sticking up for faakhir here and seriously ali azmat and shaan are like waaay over the hill now!

haha..'bitch make me a sandwich' hahaha!!

7:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are my new favorite celebrity journalist. ^^

3:38 PM  
Blogger Majaz said...

Good heavens, did he wear that on the LSA? He looks like a sasta stripper.

And you honestly shouldn't be worried about celebrity histrionics. That's one thing Pakistanis will never let go until they decide to get .. educated. Or something.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Tazeen said...


the tale of a wanker's wank off

wah wah

12:20 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hilarious, OBA you should start writing for me :D

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


i think LSA sucked big time..

and atif did look like a stripper wanna bee, but i guess no one would pay to see him strip!

And WTF was he given the award for best dressed fucker?


1:20 AM  

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