Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Biggest Assholes of 2007

1) Saudis:
OK so maybe not Saudi people, but the Saudi government are definitely big on the list. These assholes are probably the only thing in the world Pakistanis and Americans can agree to collectively suck up too while they support terrorism and raise oil prices. Muslim brotherhood my ass. But that is not the sole reason for their asshole-ness. They recently "pardoned" a rape victim for getting raped. This is several months after they threw her in jail for getting raped in the first place, claiming she shouldn't have been alone with a non-relative male. Now they are acting all "look at us how merciful we are". Chootiay.

2) Expresso
This may be really petty, but it's my list and I'll do what I want. Now most of you in Karachi are familiar with Expresso the hoity toity cafe where the hoity toity people go. Now I have no problem with this. They also ban males-unaccompanied-by-women (aka mailas) after 7 pm, because apparently single guys will enter coffee shops after dark and attack the first thing with boobs they see. Doesn't matter if you are a respectable looking guy, who comes in there regularly with your decent educated friends, if you are male-without-girl, they assume you are going to jump in and wave your penis around.

With all this apartheid-esque policy, the waiters their have begun to slowly take their heads up their own asses. They now only respond to women.

As hard as this may be to believe, sometimes I cannot find a woman to go with me to Expresso, so I go there with my all-male best friends for brunch on a Sunday. We are a clean cut non-threatening party of 4. There is a rush, so we put ourselves on the waiting list and wait. As we wait we see three parties of hip-crowd type people go on upstairs with little or now wait. We tell ourselves maybe they were higher on the list. Then this gaggle of little teenage girlies who had arrived a good ten minutes after us go through. By this time my friend Sherry gets really irked and demands to see the list. The chubby asshole behind the counter says that those girls arrived before us. Sherry is barely able to control his rage, when he snatches the list and sees that people lower on the list have been crossed off before us. At this point I very politely ask CHUBS why he let people go before us. he starts stammering some excuse about seating arrangements while the other waiters gather around him in support like the Ninja Fucking Turtles.

At this point I should have kicked chubs in the left nut, but we decided we were too hungry and left. I made a vague vow of how I was gonna call up the owner but I havent yet.

Haven't seen CHUBS there recently, I think he got transferred. But I still go to Expresso. They have good coffee.

3) Younis Khan
OK let me make clear that I love Younis Khan, but sometimes he can be a real asshole. They offered him captaincy of the Pak Cricket Team. Twice. And twice he refused, pulling some serious Julius Caesar shit. Then he was forced to take it when everyone got sick. Then he said he doesn't want it because he wants to enjoy his cricket. Now he says he wants captaincy.
You know what Younis Khan? I would love it if you took the captaincy......right up your ass. Asshole.

4) People who have an I-Phone.
..........Just because.

5) Girls who are bitchy because they think skinny is beautiful.
I found this both tragic and asshole-ish. Especially when they bring down other girls for not being skinny. Let me clear this up right now, guys do not like girls who obsess about weight. It makes us feel like we are ogres who put unfair expectations on everyone.

Look, good food is inherently sexy. So a girl who enjoys good food is inherently sexy. And a girl you can enjoy good food with is golden.

BUT. It doesn't hurt to join a gym.

6) Omar Khalid, Imran Lodhi and me.
For picking on Yasir in every interview, TV appearance, blog post , social gathering, wedding, birthday party, concert, recording session, lunch, dinner, breakfast. And for also writing a song entitled, "Yasir, why don't you suck my balls".

7) Timbaland and Timberlake
Remember when pop music used to be good? Remember when songs had guitars and you would remember them forever and ever. In the old days we had Motown, The Monkees, The Beach Boys, Cliff Richards, Dusty Springfield. Then we had Michael Jackson and Madonna. Their songs were timeless and you could pop in “The Way You Make Me Feel” right now and still groove to it.

Now we have Timbaland and his asshole partners like Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado. We only have ourselves to blame because we keep playing his mind-numbingly hollow hits with his soulless electronic beats and his glorification of bad grammar. If that weren’t bad enough this asshole rubs it in our face reminding us how awesome he is and how much everyone else sucks and how he’s gonna be “banging bitches in the VIP while they still be aksing (not a typo) you fo’ ID”.

Can you imagine someone with real talent like Stevie Wonder pulling this kind of shit? So Justin Timberlake, you did not bring SexyBack, that stupid hat makes you look like a poof and Timbaland is nothing more than a glorified beat-boxer who makes a couple of clicks on his laptop and plagiarizes beats and tunes from other artists. But Nelly Furtado is hot and “promiscuous”, so she’s ok in my book.

8) Mobilink
Mobilink tried to buy everything this year. From phool-wallas to tourist spots to your grandmother, everything was branded with Indigo. If that weren't bad enough, we had to deal with their serialized television ads with Shaan and Vaneeza. This is actually a separate rant that you can read here.
Anyway, they forced The Jazz Budget single into all our collective consciousness and then they had a featurette showing "The Making Of" the stupid fucking Mobilink ads. ITS A TELEVISION COMMERCIAL. Unless it is a Victorias Secret Catalogue Shoot or something with extraordinary special effects I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HOW THEY MADE IT.

9) Journalists who can't stop writing about "Khuda Key Liay"
Look I know its a good movie. And we know your company funded it. But for fucks sake its been six months. Please shut the fuck up.

And finally, the award for the BIGGEST ASSHOLES OF 2007......
10) Music Channels, Telecom Companies and Artists who let Telecom Companies buy airtime to promote their video

Have you ever turned on the TV and seen a music video for a pretty mediocre song and then you switched the channel but that same video was playing. Then you switched again and that same video was playing. And again until you wanted to ram your head through the TV screen.

Artists these days are so insecure and make such crap music that they have to force their music video upon us by having their sponsor pay for airtime so that the video runs round the clock just like an ad. Where else in the world does this happen? It is almost equivalent to an artist paying somebody to come and watch him rather than the other way round.

Since our TV channels dont really care about quality or content or FUCKING entertaining programming, they gleefully accept the money and put the video on heavy rotation. Is anybody questioning them on this? They just shrug and say "Yaar we can't say no to a sponsor". Here is a list of asshole artists with their asshole sponsored videos.

1) Jal - Sajni (Warid)
2) Ali Zafar - Dekha (Lux)
3) Ali Zafar - Aasman (Telenor)
4) Ali Zafar - Masti (Telenor)
5) Overload - Dhamaal (Mobilink)
6) Strings - don't even know the fucking name (Mobilink)
7) Shehzad Roy - that abida parveen song, (Ufone). I don't care if its a public service message. You still paid top have it played every 5 mins on every channel.

I don't care if "artists need to eat too yaar" or whether you have good songs or not. All these people are true sell-outs without any justification. I am not against an artist being sponsored by a company or videos being funded by other companies. I am against these MUSIC videos being treated like advertisements.
Why should new artists even spend money on a music video? Unless you can pay music channels to play it, they wont put it in rotation. They wont even put it in their so called made up charts.
How is this country ever going to breed good musicians if the only ones who get on TV are the ones who can afford to pay for it? What kind of fucked up model is this? And who are the idiot audiences who are indulging TV channels in their mediocrity?
Hear me now. Music Channels are NOT promoting the music industry they are KILLING IT. Anyone who becomes successful is successful IN SPITE of them, not because of them.

To recap:
Artists who buy airtime = Insecure, spineless and unethical.
Music Channels = Inadequate, low quality and pandering.
Telecom Companies = Assholes.

If there are any assholes I have missed, please feel free to add to the list, am awaiting your comments.



Blogger Atta Khan said...

dude u frgt the biggest shitheads, OUR FUCKING GOVT!!!

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know it's eSpresso not expresso. And I so agree with the music channels shit.You know this freak copied Everybody's fool by Evanescence and the music channels are actually trying to promote her..Seriously.She changed the lyrics and does the song in urdu.It's pathetic. Oh and as far as getting the channels to play one song repetitively goes, the other day i had the radio on and they played Is Tanhai Ko like five times in twenty minutes.The only thing they played in between were those candy-obsessed commercials they're in love with. What do I know though, maybe 91 is just in love with your music or something of the sort, but it was annoying, the least they could've done was play sultanat and is tanhai ko for a little variation and change of pace, but nooo they had to - i shall shut up and go now.

12:32 AM  
Blogger Yasir said...

they did that??? awwww!! :P

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh,don't flatter yourself Yasir.You expect me to assume it had nothing to do with the fact that you work there?:P

7:13 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

maybe sarah and yasir have some issues!! anyways, espresso sucks, Cafe Coffee Day rules!!!!

8:46 PM  
Blogger Atta Khan said...

i just had the worst experience at CCD!!! i've come here to correct my previous comment!!!

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhh my sweet, sweet (no not really, omar) omar, worry not, there is good in the world. And well I don't like Saudi's 'planet @#$hole' (I quote the ever magnificent Saad)
back to the government, SEXISM!!!!
Oh well, espresso DOES have good coffee...but the waiters are jackasses...they take so looonnggg, once my dad and I were there, the guy stops making our coffee to talk on his mobile phone...seriously. And need to be jealous. And respectable looking guy? well...are we talking about darbuka bacha? and...well, you need a girlfriend, it would help a lot...some one desperate though, desperate enough to hang onto you everywhere you go...
and you are quite the feminist,girls would probably like that (ESPRESSO TIME!!)
and I hope JT dies. he can't even SING, if you see him live on tv, his voice is so paatla you can't even hear it...and the DANCE moves! AND I am so upset to hear that the most popular female artists are now ...hannahmontanamileycyrushilaryduffvanessahudgensashleytisdale
they have NO originality at ALL. they're bloody interchangeable. a girl at school asked me, do like hilary duff, I said I hated her and hannahmontanamileycyrushilaryduffvanessahudgensashleytisdale, she looked at me, eyes wide. And asked, have you gone mad? Then I asked if she liked Green Day, Sum 41, Nirvana, ADP (I did :D),Police, Nickelback, Motley Crue, the Red hot chili peppers, Fall out boy and she had only heard of Green Day...
PATHETIC. And well...Enrique watshisface makes me want to PUKE. as does rihanna. i hope they all die.
AND, everytime I try to call the STUPID radio to try and win tickets to any concert or cool thing, the stupid thingy puts me through to Mobilink Indigo...='( I HOPE IT DIES.
Shehzad Roy makes me ill... All people who use Ufone are the Red bull generation. 24-30 year olds, aik haath mein red bull, doosray haat mein cigarette, jeb mein ufone, aur tight jeans tight shirt, aur oopar se dupata. WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING THESE PEOPLE AT HOME?! If you fall into that category...I cannot help you...I can only say..if you really love me you'll forgive me...

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, that was long

12:35 AM  
Blogger Yasir said...

oh god!...what's up with this story little laila!! lol..

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I no longer love you darbuka ka bacha

5:37 PM  
Blogger Yasir said...

ahem...ok cool!

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

darbuka bacha:
I love how your response to almost everything I do or say is hysterical laughter and then 'oh don't worry, it's cool, it's cool'

9:25 PM  
Blogger KM said...

lovedthis post.
but i think you need a chat room to accomodate all these comments.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree with atta khan's first post that the thing that SUCKS first is the Govt, then the Media, and then finally the Telecom ppl. Reapeating the same add' atleast 10 times in 2 minutes, and yet again not to mention the increasing popularity of glamorous DOODH walay adds' be it Olpers, Tarang etc etc. And again thanks for mentioning the bitchiness of sticky gurls ;)

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh so many comments

2:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Miss: Laila, one thing to remind u its not Saudi Arabia which is an Asshole as u said, its the people who are, not even all just some of them. And Saudi Arabia is the country which is very respectable for us because it holds our beloved cities Mecca and Madinah.

Regarding skinny gals so it happens so they just show-off on their bones hanging in their jeans :P

Well not eating anythng imagine anythng come-on we want to eat if u dont want :P hehehehe

N ya there is another asshole party the rishta anties who come to see a gal n then ask such stupid question that u want to just kick their ass :P

Man its horrible

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Sir, even though I am not fond of swearing, I agree with you pretty much on everything here. Good point-outs.

2:41 PM  

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